Fearful avoidant boyfriend

I (F33) am polyamorous and have been dating my boyfriend (43) for a few months now. We normally see each other once every 1-2 weeks, which suits us well as I am married to M42 (yes, he knows) and my BF has a super busy job and is a single parent with sole custody. My BF is fearful avoidant and has a tendency to engage in sabotaging behaviours, and he himself admits that he finds it difficult to get close to people. At the same time, he is deeply sensitive and afraid of rejection. I am a pretty patient and understanding person, and I am willing to put in some effort to help him become more secure in our relationship.

His sabotaging behaviour tends to take the form of going silent for a few days. In the past he has always resurfaced and been remorseful about giving me the silent treatment. I accept that this is part of his attachment style, and I don’t take it personally.

We had plans to meet tomorrow (his idea), and on Friday I messaged him on WhatsApp asking him to call me in the afternoon when he was free. He read the message and blocked me after a few hours. I haven’t heard from him since, but he did not block me on KIK (we sometimes talk there).

I am beginning to understand that those with fearful avoidant attachment tend to test their partners by pulling these kind of stunts. So my question is - should I message him on KIK, saying something compassionate like ‘I hope you’re doing ok’? Or wait for him to resurface with an explanation?



Submitted October 04, 2020 at 11:37PM

I (F33) am polyamorous and have been dating my boyfriend (43) for a few months now. We normally see each other once every 1-2 weeks, which suits us well as I am married to M42 (yes, he knows) and my BF has a super busy job and is a single parent with sole custody. My BF is fearful avoidant and has a tendency to engage in sabotaging behaviours, and he himself admits that he finds it difficult to get close to people. At the same time, he is deeply sensitive and afraid of rejection. I am a pretty patient and understanding person, and I am willing to put in some effort to help him become more secure in our relationship.His sabotaging behaviour tends to take the form of going silent for a few days. In the past he has always resurfaced and been remorseful about giving me the silent treatment. I accept that this is part of his attachment style, and I don’t take it personally.We had plans to meet tomorrow (his idea), and on Friday I messaged him on WhatsApp asking him to call me in the afternoon when he was free. He read the message and blocked me after a few hours. I haven’t heard from him since, but he did not block me on KIK (we sometimes talk there).I am beginning to understand that those with fearful avoidant attachment tend to test their partners by pulling these kind of stunts. So my question is - should I message him on KIK, saying something compassionate like ‘I hope you’re doing ok’? Or wait for him to resurface with an explanation?
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