/u/distressedguest on Are you asexual? – FAQ

I need some help. Me (26 F) and my partner (29 M) have been together for 2.5 years, but we have not started to have sex or had any sexual contact. As time has progressed, I've seen signs that may point to him being asexual, but he has adamantly denied being asexual and says he is just uncomfortable and anxious about starting sex, the unknown of how it'll go, and it's something he knows he needs to get over. He denies having sex repulsion and I know he masturbates on occasion. He claims to be sexually attracted to me yet has never initiated sexual ideas or actions. He finds the idea of me touching his genitals or seeing me naked as uncomfortable. Is it possible that someone gradually 'becomes' more comfortable with those things with more contact, or is this a sign of asexuality that will probably not change? The furthest we have gone thus far is cuddling with some belly skin contact, and we're trying to get him more used to holding me under the shirt, skin across waist, back, etc.

My biggest problem is that even bringing up the topic or sex or intimacy is like pulling teeth. That's why it's been so long and I'm still trying to figure this out. He gets real upset if I try to push the conversation for long, saying I'm asking really difficult questions (e.g "What do you think of making out? What kind of sexual fantasies do you have? What would you be comfortable with us doing to move forward in our intimacy?"), so I've learned to bring it up in spaced out, extremely small doses, NOT full drawn out discussions. With him, it's always a one-sided "me" drive to the conversation in this topic. I've always hoped that we would become more comfortable talking about it over time, but it hasn't. He appears very unmotivated to talk about sex or even self-reflect on it. I've become really gentle in bringing it up now, too. He says "it's just not fun" to talk about, yet acknowledges its importance to me and the relationship. He mood drops like a brick and he'll shut down for a while. I know that asking him to read stuff on sexuality would probably not go well if he already responds in this way. I just don't know what to do. And it's exasperating not knowing why he is not on the same page even in willingness to converse on the topic.

September 10, 2020 at 11:47PM