Resentment moving forward

How do you deal with resentment and at what point do you call a quits for things you can’t seem to get over from the past and current struggles?

A little background. I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, married 2 years. I’m 28f, he’s 30m. I have a lot of pent up resentment towards him. I can admit, I’ve put his feelings before mine a lot. I believe I ignored a lot of red flags in the beginning and I blame myself. He is a very nice man and great father, but I feel like I’ve just put so much in and am not getting much out. A big part of me is still trying because of our sons (2 & 3yrs) and me having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that things may not pan out how I always imagined.

Our trust was broken early on. Even after me disclosing I was cheated on in my previous relationship. I saw inappropriate messages and pictures in his phone (not snooping btw). I decided to snoop after and saw more. He has been caught in really stupid lies, and others that had more of an impact. I decided to give another chance anyways because we all make mistakes. But I still find myself thinking about the hurt.

A lot of the things that make me resent him are financial/him not sticking to his word. His credit was poor and I put something in my name with him saying he would make the payments. He never did, I paid it off myself. He asked to borrow a large sum of money that he’d pay back, never did. He wrecked my car and said he’d pay the balance I was left with. He never did. He asked me to get a couple loans in my name with the promise to pay them off, he never did. There are a lot of things financially that he would promise and never follow up with. I won’t name all the scenarios, but there are quite a few. As a result my credit that was great before I met him, is poor. I resent him for using me like that and taking advantage. I do take accountability for me continuing to give chances.

The way we got married holds resentment as well. I was never proposed to, I was sent a text. Even though I’ve always talked about how much I love proposals and constantly showed them to him. I also never received a ring. I guess I just feel like I wasn’t worth any of that to him? Or he was already complicit with doing the bare minimum? He wasn’t doing great financially, but I feel like if he really wanted to buy me a ring like he said then he would’ve by now, it’s been 2 years after the wedding. At one point I said I’d even accept a Walmart $20 ring just to have something on my finger. I sent him a picture of it and told him I’d accept it if he bought it...a year ago. Still nothing, so am I really not worth it? Idk.

In our marriage, he doesn’t make much effort with anything. I began questioning if he’s showed me this all along, but I was blinded by love. He doesn’t plan anything for us or me. He will say things like “I have something special planned for us Saturday.” and I’ll get excited. Then he’ll ask me what I want to do, or eat, or go and it’ll turn into me planning the “something special”. He’ll say things that he’d love to do for me or us. But I’ve noticed that that’s all he’s willing to do, just say the things that sound nice. I’ll do small and big things to show him he’s appreciated and loved. I’ll do small notes, planned weekend getaways, buy him little things, cook something that I know he loves, plan date nights, send him songs that make me think of him. I’ve sat him down and given him examples of things I’d love. I even told him I made a board on my Pinterest for him to pick ideas from. Still nothing so far, that was last July. His efforts with helping with the home or with the kids is barely there either. I feel like I’m a single parent of 3 at times instead of a married mother of 2. It would be different if I actually felt appreciated for all I do.

This post paints him in such an ugly light, but it’s the flat out truth. It hasn’t all been horrible, he really is a nice guy in general and doesn’t abuse me or anything. He works hard too and can be sweet. I just don’t think it’s enough anymore.

At this point I feel like I’ve began to fall out of love. But I want it for our boys and because I love my family. At the same time, I’m wondering if we’re just 2 completely different people and maybe I need to move on. Advice?

Submitted June 24, 2020 at 12:00AM

How do you deal with resentment and at what point do you call a quits for things you can’t seem to get over from the past and current struggles?A little background. I’ve been with my husband for 6 years, married 2 years. I’m 28f, he’s 30m. I have a lot of pent up resentment towards him. I can admit, I’ve put his feelings before mine a lot. I believe I ignored a lot of red flags in the beginning and I blame myself. He is a very nice man and great father, but I feel like I’ve just put so much in and am not getting much out. A big part of me is still trying because of our sons (2 & 3yrs) and me having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that things may not pan out how I always imagined.Our trust was broken early on. Even after me disclosing I was cheated on in my previous relationship. I saw inappropriate messages and pictures in his phone (not snooping btw). I decided to snoop after and saw more. He has been caught in really stupid lies, and others that had more of an impact. I decided to give another chance anyways because we all make mistakes. But I still find myself thinking about the hurt.A lot of the things that make me resent him are financial/him not sticking to his word. His credit was poor and I put something in my name with him saying he would make the payments. He never did, I paid it off myself. He asked to borrow a large sum of money that he’d pay back, never did. He wrecked my car and said he’d pay the balance I was left with. He never did. He asked me to get a couple loans in my name with the promise to pay them off, he never did. There are a lot of things financially that he would promise and never follow up with. I won’t name all the scenarios, but there are quite a few. As a result my credit that was great before I met him, is poor. I resent him for using me like that and taking advantage. I do take accountability for me continuing to give chances.The way we got married holds resentment as well. I was never proposed to, I was sent a text. Even though I’ve always talked about how much I love proposals and constantly showed them to him. I also never received a ring. I guess I just feel like I wasn’t worth any of that to him? Or he was already complicit with doing the bare minimum? He wasn’t doing great financially, but I feel like if he really wanted to buy me a ring like he said then he would’ve by now, it’s been 2 years after the wedding. At one point I said I’d even accept a Walmart $20 ring just to have something on my finger. I sent him a picture of it and told him I’d accept it if he bought it...a year ago. Still nothing, so am I really not worth it? Idk.In our marriage, he doesn’t make much effort with anything. I began questioning if he’s showed me this all along, but I was blinded by love. He doesn’t plan anything for us or me. He will say things like “I have something special planned for us Saturday.” and I’ll get excited. Then he’ll ask me what I want to do, or eat, or go and it’ll turn into me planning the “something special”. He’ll say things that he’d love to do for me or us. But I’ve noticed that that’s all he’s willing to do, just say the things that sound nice. I’ll do small and big things to show him he’s appreciated and loved. I’ll do small notes, planned weekend getaways, buy him little things, cook something that I know he loves, plan date nights, send him songs that make me think of him. I’ve sat him down and given him examples of things I’d love. I even told him I made a board on my Pinterest for him to pick ideas from. Still nothing so far, that was last July. His efforts with helping with the home or with the kids is barely there either. I feel like I’m a single parent of 3 at times instead of a married mother of 2. It would be different if I actually felt appreciated for all I do.This post paints him in such an ugly light, but it’s the flat out truth. It hasn’t all been horrible, he really is a nice guy in general and doesn’t abuse me or anything. He works hard too and can be sweet. I just don’t think it’s enough anymore.At this point I feel like I’ve began to fall out of love. But I want it for our boys and because I love my family. At the same time, I’m wondering if we’re just 2 completely different people and maybe I need to move on. Advice?