I try to please my wife so much that I neglect myself

Hey folks.

My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years (we have been dating for 11). We have a great relationship overall and our friends/family always tell us how they aspire to have a solid relationship like we have. We have never had an argument in our entire marriage and in general we are just really laid back, quiet people.

But in the past few years I have been finding out that my willingness to make my wife happy is causing me really neglect myself. Over our relationship we made some really big decisions together that really were one sided. For example:

  • She says she doesn't want kids, I have never ruled it out and have never said I don't want kids. But to keep the peace I never really pushed the issue of perhaps wanting to have kids one day. It's not a deal breaker for me, but I don't talk about it all just to keep the peace.
  • I wanted to move to another state for my career. Instead that didn't happen, as she decided she wanted to be closer to her parents as they retire. I understand, family is family, but I can't help to feel like I was playing second fiddle in this big decision
  • I have put on too much weight. I have had start and stop diets through our entire relationship. I have gently tried to get her on board so that we can be successful together and she is never in. She never exercises and when I try to eat leaner she never joins and we end up going out and wrecking my diet. I just want to be setup for success but I never am. She admits flat out that she's too lazy to join.
  • She wanted to buy a house, I wanted to keep renting. This has been a big issue for us. I have been renting for 15 years and while it's not always ideal I managed to stash away a ton of money. We moved into a house I really didn't want, to a city I didn't really want to live in, and now 75% of my savings will have vanished in just a few months.

I really love my wife but it's very clear to me that making her happy is costing me my own happiness. She is not intentionally being selfish and I'd say she doesn't intend to make things so one sided. But she does.... and it's having a big impact on me. Any advice?



Submitted November 22, 2019 at 09:50PM

Hey folks.My wife and I have been married for almost 7 years (we have been dating for 11). We have a great relationship overall and our friends/family always tell us how they aspire to have a solid relationship like we have. We have never had an argument in our entire marriage and in general we are just really laid back, quiet people.But in the past few years I have been finding out that my willingness to make my wife happy is causing me really neglect myself. Over our relationship we made some really big decisions together that really were one sided. For example:She says she doesn't want kids, I have never ruled it out and have never said I don't want kids. But to keep the peace I never really pushed the issue of perhaps wanting to have kids one day. It's not a deal breaker for me, but I don't talk about it all just to keep the peace.I wanted to move to another state for my career. Instead that didn't happen, as she decided she wanted to be closer to her parents as they retire. I understand, family is family, but I can't help to feel like I was playing second fiddle in this big decisionI have put on too much weight. I have had start and stop diets through our entire relationship. I have gently tried to get her on board so that we can be successful together and she is never in. She never exercises and when I try to eat leaner she never joins and we end up going out and wrecking my diet. I just want to be setup for success but I never am. She admits flat out that she's too lazy to join.She wanted to buy a house, I wanted to keep renting. This has been a big issue for us. I have been renting for 15 years and while it's not always ideal I managed to stash away a ton of money. We moved into a house I really didn't want, to a city I didn't really want to live in, and now 75% of my savings will have vanished in just a few months.I really love my wife but it's very clear to me that making her happy is costing me my own happiness. She is not intentionally being selfish and I'd say she doesn't intend to make things so one sided. But she does.... and it's having a big impact on me. Any advice?
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