She can’t decide what she wants and I’m stuck in limbo wondering if my relationship is over or not

My fiancé [22F] and I [22M] have been together 7 years. We have been doing semi long distance (4 hours away) for the past 4 year while she finishes up college. I’m a firefighter so my schedule let me visit often. But recently we have been going through a very bad rough patch. We couldn’t have a conversation without it ending in a fight and we were both starting to develop a little bit of resentment toward each other. So we decided that we need to shit down and have a hard conversation. The rules were;

1- you don’t speak over each other and the person speaking needs to stay calm and collected.

2- we tell each other EVERYTHING no matter how hard it is to say and the other person can not get upset and blow up they have to listen and be calm

3- We have to LISTEN, no putting walls up because something upset you and no getting defensive because you feel attacked.

The conversation was extremely hard to have on both ends, but it was pack with so much information and we both learned a lot. So that’s the backstory.

Now here is one of my problems. Yes, we both learned a lot but there are still a lot of underlying issues that aren’t getting fixed. Her and I have only every “been” with each other. And she told me that one reasons we are having these issues is because she doesn’t feel like she knows who she is, she says it’s always been her and I . She also says she feels like she has to choose between two things she really wants, either a future with me, or learning about who she is. But I don’t understand why she can’t learn about who she is with me still in the picture.

She also feels like she has missed out on her college years (she has 2 semesters left before she is done). And she never got to experience being single. And I totally understand that because I haven’t been single during my party times either. And I also can relate to wanting to know what it’s like to just go to a bar and hookup with a stranger and stuff, it’s only natural. But I am prepared to give up that stuff for our relationship and she says she is too but she just can’t stop thinking about it. So I know I can’t make control what she chooses but the problem is she can’t make a decision so I’m left in this limbo wondering if my 7 year relationship is going to end or not and it’s eating me up.

It’s been two weeks and when I ask her about what she wants she still says i want us to work, but I also don’t want to have regrets when I’m older, so I have to go back to pretending like everything is okay when I’m actually getting fucked up by waiting.

We have great communication so she knows how I feel about this but she still can’t choose.

If she leaves then she leave I can’t control that but she needs to make a decision. I know she loves me and I know she wants that future with me but I feel like she can’t commit and she can’t stop looking over her shoulder at another life she could have.

I know this is long but I appreciate you guys listening

Submitted July 08, 2019 at 11:43PM

My fiancé [22F] and I [22M] have been together 7 years. We have been doing semi long distance (4 hours away) for the past 4 year while she finishes up college. I’m a firefighter so my schedule let me visit often. But recently we have been going through a very bad rough patch. We couldn’t have a conversation without it ending in a fight and we were both starting to develop a little bit of resentment toward each other. So we decided that we need to shit down and have a hard conversation. The rules were;1- you don’t speak over each other and the person speaking needs to stay calm and collected.2- we tell each other EVERYTHING no matter how hard it is to say and the other person can not get upset and blow up they have to listen and be calm3- We have to LISTEN, no putting walls up because something upset you and no getting defensive because you feel attacked.The conversation was extremely hard to have on both ends, but it was pack with so much information and we both learned a lot. So that’s the backstory.Now here is one of my problems. Yes, we both learned a lot but there are still a lot of underlying issues that aren’t getting fixed. Her and I have only every “been” with each other. And she told me that one reasons we are having these issues is because she doesn’t feel like she knows who she is, she says it’s always been her and I . She also says she feels like she has to choose between two things she really wants, either a future with me, or learning about who she is. But I don’t understand why she can’t learn about who she is with me still in the picture.She also feels like she has missed out on her college years (she has 2 semesters left before she is done). And she never got to experience being single. And I totally understand that because I haven’t been single during my party times either. And I also can relate to wanting to know what it’s like to just go to a bar and hookup with a stranger and stuff, it’s only natural. But I am prepared to give up that stuff for our relationship and she says she is too but she just can’t stop thinking about it. So I know I can’t make control what she chooses but the problem is she can’t make a decision so I’m left in this limbo wondering if my 7 year relationship is going to end or not and it’s eating me up.It’s been two weeks and when I ask her about what she wants she still says i want us to work, but I also don’t want to have regrets when I’m older, so I have to go back to pretending like everything is okay when I’m actually getting fucked up by waiting.We have great communication so she knows how I feel about this but she still can’t choose.If she leaves then she leave I can’t control that but she needs to make a decision. I know she loves me and I know she wants that future with me but I feel like she can’t commit and she can’t stop looking over her shoulder at another life she could have.I know this is long but I appreciate you guys listening