Am I Overreacting or Are These Big Red Flags

Ummm, I’ll do my very best to keep it as short as possible but I apologize in advance if it’s long. (Sorry for mobile)

I (F27) left an abusive relationship almost two years ago, and just recently my therapist said she thought it would be good for me to start dating again. I really struggle to identify if something is a red flag or I’m overthinking because of trauma.

I started talking to this guy 30M we’ll call John. John and I really hit it off. Had a ton in common, held good conversations, really sweet. We moved from Tinder to messaging on Snapchat and it was going smoothly. I asked him after a few days if he wanted to plan to meet up and he said he wasn’t ready yet, he was kinda nervous and self conscious and wanted to wait a little longer. I completely understood. I’m usually really shy too. I reassured him and we kept just messaging and talking on the phone.

He started to get clingy and really sappy and at first it was kind of nice. It was sweet. But it’s gotten to a point it’s way too much for me. We haven’t even met yet, and I told him I’m not looking to rush anything from the start. It just started to get awkward and felt forced, at least on my end.

He brought up meeting after a couple more days, asked if I wanted to essentially come Netflix and chill at his house. This was a red flag, so I asked him why he wanted to do that. He said he was again, nervous and self conscious and felt like he’d be more comfortable if it was at his house. He was adamant we wouldn’t sleep together was fine with going out, but it seemed like he was flustered and nervous about it. I felt bad, so I said we could meet at his place. I take almost every safety precaution and he seems harmless. A little awkward but not dangerous. Nothing was set in stone, we were talking about maybe doing it Tuesday or Wednesday of this week after I got off work but no set date or time.

A very good friend of mine who is a man just got back into town after being gone for over 8 months. He travels most of the year and I very rarely get to see him but we always keep in touch. He invited me on a trip to the mountains with him on Tuesday and Wednesday. It was originally for him and a few buddies but they canceled and he didn’t wanna lose the deposit. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get off work last minute, but it all worked out. We have separate rooms, and plan to explore some on our own, and do a few things together, like a magic show. His ticket is free with what he paid for the cabin. I’m paying for my own tickets.

Originally John was really sweet about it. Super excited for me. But he brought it up again not much later and said

J: “But I gotcha on the trip, I suppose that means we will push back another week for meeting too. I'm so excited for you ❤️”

It had been a few days since he had even mentioned meeting and it had slipped my mind we talked about meeting one of those days because nothing was set. It felt like a maybe still. But I apologized and his response was

“Oh my love it's totally fine! I'd much rather you go on your trip instead of hanging out with ol me haha, you're going to have a blast. It's nothing to feel bad for! Sorry if I made you feel bad” and again, it just feels like his demeanor is different and he’s upset but doesn’t wanna outwardly say it. So I asked him flat out. And he reassured me no, he wasn’t upset.

At this point, I’m starting to notice this doesn’t feel right. I’ve talked to this dude for not even two weeks.

I have hermit crabs. I have an intricate setup for them and they’re a pet and a hobby for me. I forget how it came up but he said “it’s dorky but it’s cute” and I’m probably over reacting but it annoyed me a bit. I playfully responded “it’s not dorky 😤” and he doubled down with “it’s kinda dorky but still cute” and I dropped it.

I can’t tell if I’m overreacting because I’m annoyed with him right now and he’s just a socially awkward guy who really likes me. Or these are huge red flags and it’s going to continue downhill. I don’t see my therapist until I get back Wednesday but this is really bothering me and some other opinions would be great.

Submitted November 20, 2023 at 12:17AM

Ummm, I’ll do my very best to keep it as short as possible but I apologize in advance if it’s long. (Sorry for mobile) I (F27) left an abusive relationship almost two years ago, and just recently my therapist said she thought it would be good for me to start dating again. I really struggle to identify if something is a red flag or I’m overthinking because of trauma. I started talking to this guy 30M we’ll call John. John and I really hit it off. Had a ton in common, held good conversations, really sweet. We moved from Tinder to messaging on Snapchat and it was going smoothly. I asked him after a few days if he wanted to plan to meet up and he said he wasn’t ready yet, he was kinda nervous and self conscious and wanted to wait a little longer. I completely understood. I’m usually really shy too. I reassured him and we kept just messaging and talking on the phone. He started to get clingy and really sappy and at first it was kind of nice. It was sweet. But it’s gotten to a point it’s way too much for me. We haven’t even met yet, and I told him I’m not looking to rush anything from the start. It just started to get awkward and felt forced, at least on my end. He brought up meeting after a couple more days, asked if I wanted to essentially come Netflix and chill at his house. This was a red flag, so I asked him why he wanted to do that. He said he was again, nervous and self conscious and felt like he’d be more comfortable if it was at his house. He was adamant we wouldn’t sleep together was fine with going out, but it seemed like he was flustered and nervous about it. I felt bad, so I said we could meet at his place. I take almost every safety precaution and he seems harmless. A little awkward but not dangerous. Nothing was set in stone, we were talking about maybe doing it Tuesday or Wednesday of this week after I got off work but no set date or time.A very good friend of mine who is a man just got back into town after being gone for over 8 months. He travels most of the year and I very rarely get to see him but we always keep in touch. He invited me on a trip to the mountains with him on Tuesday and Wednesday. It was originally for him and a few buddies but they canceled and he didn’t wanna lose the deposit. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to get off work last minute, but it all worked out. We have separate rooms, and plan to explore some on our own, and do a few things together, like a magic show. His ticket is free with what he paid for the cabin. I’m paying for my own tickets. Originally John was really sweet about it. Super excited for me. But he brought it up again not much later and said J: “But I gotcha on the trip, I suppose that means we will push back another week for meeting too. I'm so excited for you ❤️” It had been a few days since he had even mentioned meeting and it had slipped my mind we talked about meeting one of those days because nothing was set. It felt like a maybe still. But I apologized and his response was “Oh my love it's totally fine! I'd much rather you go on your trip instead of hanging out with ol me haha, you're going to have a blast. It's nothing to feel bad for! Sorry if I made you feel bad” and again, it just feels like his demeanor is different and he’s upset but doesn’t wanna outwardly say it. So I asked him flat out. And he reassured me no, he wasn’t upset. At this point, I’m starting to notice this doesn’t feel right. I’ve talked to this dude for not even two weeks. I have hermit crabs. I have an intricate setup for them and they’re a pet and a hobby for me. I forget how it came up but he said “it’s dorky but it’s cute” and I’m probably over reacting but it annoyed me a bit. I playfully responded “it’s not dorky 😤” and he doubled down with “it’s kinda dorky but still cute” and I dropped it. I can’t tell if I’m overreacting because I’m annoyed with him right now and he’s just a socially awkward guy who really likes me. Or these are huge red flags and it’s going to continue downhill. I don’t see my therapist until I get back Wednesday but this is really bothering me and some other opinions would be great.