I (25M) have become self destructive when things start to get serious. How to stop this? Think I know the why but feel free to add other thoughts.

I've (25M) taken a break from dating, not tried anything in over 1yr till recently.

Reason being I'm pretty self destructive in the sense that at first it's all good but as soon as it starts to get more serious (going from casual dating/hanging out to starting an actual relationship) I kinda shut down, stop being interested in hangout with them/when I do find it very draining and kindo of go in a state of being very tired/lethargic/unmotivated. But only when I'm around them. Not a conscious thing, might even be initially excited that its getting more serious but then soon after (like a few days/week later) one day I just wake up and feel like that and then that's pretty much it.

Thought taking a break would fix it (and I know it's cruel to the other person to try anyway knowing how I end up so didn't want to lead anyone on) but after casually talking to some people I stop (like within a couple of days of talking to them) because that "state" ends up coming back and made me realise if anything it's now worse in the sense of it happens when it's still just casually talking before graduating to casually dating/hanging out.

That's the main stuff. Anyone know what I'm on about/got any suggestions?

Following not needed by is why I think I'm like this/might add context. Feel free to add any additional thoughts/perspectives.

I think it's because I've not "gotten over" my first Ex. Not in a "oh I still love them" kind of way. More in a scared another relationship will end up like that one only this time I end up having a kid with them so can't truly escape. I think the "shut down" is a subconscious defence thing. Think especially as it was my first relationship, was very serious (together 3yr and lived together) and started when I was still pretty young/my brain starting to become less smooth. Plus my following actual relationships (before I had started having my problem) have been pretty stressful/draining.

Will try to keep it short was with that person from when I was 16-19. She had severe anger issues and I didn't know how to emotionally support her the way she needed. So when something upset her (ie college or later on work) it would go like this.

She'd get angry about something, she'd then start yelling about it, I'd try to calm her down/suggest solutions, she'd then get angry with me as well, she'd then get angry with herself for being angry at me especially as I don't shout (never shouted at her in our relationship). Trying to help I'd say something like "do you want ice cream, pizza etc" as she'd also often be hungry from college/work. Which would make her more angry. Looking back I realise that this was effectively rubbing salt in the wound. And looking back she needed someone who'd let her yell about what made her angry, get it out her system/calm herself down. Then depending on what it was either just leave it or suggest solutions afterwards. Which I never let her do. This would happen at least 5 days a week.

We also could never talk about her anger issues as if I'd bring it up she'd get hysterical convinced I'm breaking up with her, when I wasn't. So we never found a solution.

We started living together early on, neighbours in college so turned my room into study/storage. So basically lived together for the 3yr we were together and despite that after breaking up (eventually listened to the advice from her family) my immediate reaction wasn't being upset/sad but instead relife/felt lighter/happy. Then by the next morning wasn't thinking of her. Not oh she popped in my head best to think/do something else. She just wouldn't come to mind unless if something specifically reminded me of her.

I think what also didn't help was the following relationships.

The next relationship I had was with someone who had a lot of anxiety problems and knew me a long time, knew eachother before I met my ex so she knew about her. She never was yelling/aggressive but if she got slightly annoyed with something (like her mum) and I was around she'd get severe panick attacks (had to go to hospital a couple times because of them) as she'd get herself in a state convinced she's being like my ex even though she wasn't. And would be sobbing while apologizing while nearly dying from lack of oxygen.

The next person was also very anxious/easily stressed and would cry most days. Like if she was popping to the shops and asked if I wanted her to get anything and they had none in stock she'd start hysterically crying and wouldn't be able to function. I'd normally get a call from a store worker using her phone to come and pick her up. The corner shop workers ended up having my number....

The next/last person I had an actual relationship with (before I started having my current problem) genuinely believed she was a Witch.

So I think it's mainly fear of repeating my first relationship but then the following ones added on to the feeling that if I settle down with someone my life will be constant stress. So when things look like they might get serious my mind shuts it down by becoming self destructive.

Submitted October 08, 2023 at 11:59PM

I've (25M) taken a break from dating, not tried anything in over 1yr till recently.Reason being I'm pretty self destructive in the sense that at first it's all good but as soon as it starts to get more serious (going from casual dating/hanging out to starting an actual relationship) I kinda shut down, stop being interested in hangout with them/when I do find it very draining and kindo of go in a state of being very tired/lethargic/unmotivated. But only when I'm around them. Not a conscious thing, might even be initially excited that its getting more serious but then soon after (like a few days/week later) one day I just wake up and feel like that and then that's pretty much it.Thought taking a break would fix it (and I know it's cruel to the other person to try anyway knowing how I end up so didn't want to lead anyone on) but after casually talking to some people I stop (like within a couple of days of talking to them) because that "state" ends up coming back and made me realise if anything it's now worse in the sense of it happens when it's still just casually talking before graduating to casually dating/hanging out.That's the main stuff. Anyone know what I'm on about/got any suggestions?Following not needed by is why I think I'm like this/might add context. Feel free to add any additional thoughts/perspectives.I think it's because I've not "gotten over" my first Ex. Not in a "oh I still love them" kind of way. More in a scared another relationship will end up like that one only this time I end up having a kid with them so can't truly escape. I think the "shut down" is a subconscious defence thing. Think especially as it was my first relationship, was very serious (together 3yr and lived together) and started when I was still pretty young/my brain starting to become less smooth. Plus my following actual relationships (before I had started having my problem) have been pretty stressful/draining.Will try to keep it short was with that person from when I was 16-19. She had severe anger issues and I didn't know how to emotionally support her the way she needed. So when something upset her (ie college or later on work) it would go like this. She'd get angry about something, she'd then start yelling about it, I'd try to calm her down/suggest solutions, she'd then get angry with me as well, she'd then get angry with herself for being angry at me especially as I don't shout (never shouted at her in our relationship). Trying to help I'd say something like "do you want ice cream, pizza etc" as she'd also often be hungry from college/work. Which would make her more angry. Looking back I realise that this was effectively rubbing salt in the wound. And looking back she needed someone who'd let her yell about what made her angry, get it out her system/calm herself down. Then depending on what it was either just leave it or suggest solutions afterwards.Which I never let her do.This would happen at least 5 days a week.We also could never talk about her anger issues as if I'd bring it up she'd get hysterical convinced I'm breaking up with her, when I wasn't. So we never found a solution.We started living together early on, neighbours in college so turned my room into study/storage. So basically lived together for the 3yr we were together and despite that after breaking up (eventually listened to the advice from her family) my immediate reaction wasn't being upset/sad but instead relife/felt lighter/happy. Then by the next morning wasn't thinking of her. Not oh she popped in my head best to think/do something else. She just wouldn't come to mind unless if something specifically reminded me of her.I think what also didn't help was the following relationships.The next relationship I had was with someone who had a lot of anxiety problems and knew me a long time, knew eachother before I met my ex so she knew about her. She never was yelling/aggressive but if she got slightly annoyed with something (like her mum) and I was around she'd get severe panick attacks (had to go to hospital a couple times because of them) as she'd get herself in a state convinced she's being like my ex even though she wasn't. And would be sobbing while apologizing while nearly dying from lack of oxygen.The next person was also very anxious/easily stressed and would cry most days. Like if she was popping to the shops and asked if I wanted her to get anything and they had none in stock she'd start hysterically crying and wouldn't be able to function. I'd normally get a call from a store worker using her phone to come and pick her up. The corner shop workers ended up having my number.... The next/last person I had an actual relationship with (before I started having my current problem) genuinely believed she was a Witch.So I think it's mainly fear of repeating my first relationship but then the following ones added on to the feeling that if I settle down with someone my life will be constant stress. So when things look like they might get serious my mind shuts it down by becoming self destructive.