When is it the right time to throw someone a curveball?

For perspective I am a Man who dates Men (or masc-presenting persons, if that ever comes up. Hasn't yet.)

It is often my policy to, during a first date conversation, throw someone a curveball. This is mostly to save myself time possibly wasted on a second or third date for those who can't catch it. These curveballs are relatively large parts of my life or things I think about at least twice a week that I notice are not always present in many other people's lives (no value judgement from me either way, just need some common ground). These curveballs can include, but are not limited to:

-Obscure hobbies or topics, like Dungeons and Dragons, SCP articles, Nature Conservation, Historical topics circa 5000 BCE-1800 CE, Musical movements from 1400 to 1950, local mythology/legends/folklore from the last two centuries, etc. I am very nerdy and that covers a lot of ground, factual and fictional.

-How open they are to alternative religious views outside of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc. OR how well do they know their faith if they are part of a major religion? I consider myself an amateur theologian and Spirituality (particularly alternative spirituality) is a huge part of my life that can't be avoided by anyone who wants to be in my life.

-The intersections of Psychology, Sociology, and Cultural Studies, individual awareness of social cues, different measurements of intellect, sociological or cultural influences that shape how we perceive each other, etc. Community Tradition vs individual innovation. I'm always thinking about how people function individually and as a group.

To sum up, I'm dropping curveballs like this to try and find someone I can have good conversation with. If we don't have that much to talk about, this is never going to work. If all a person can converse about is the everyday stuff most people encounter, I'm going to be bored out my skull with them inside of a month.

That being said, I rarely get a positive response for this tactic. Most people get awkward, or their eyes glaze over and I can see them pull away (*not metaphorical, they almost always lean back and stop making eye contact), or some similar nonverbal rejection.

I've tried the alternative way of broaching the topic by asking them things like "What's the most interesting thing about you?" to see if I can get them to open up and find something to serve as a basis for a more stimulating or engrossing interaction, and I've nearly always found myself at a loss as they talk about something that happened when they were 9 that they think is really weird but is actually a somewhat common occurrence, or how they always wanted to visit Japan/Germany/Brazil because it seems really cool, or how they read "The Secret" once and it seemed really interesting, or how they're still very involved in their fraternity or other childhood social group....That's all well and great for them if that's the life they love, but that's about the point where my eyes glaze over and I just smile and nod as they launch into a 20 minute one-sided conversation I am desperately trying to care about. I find it less painful if they pull away, as I have a hard time letting them know I'm bored without being rude.

Am I being rude when I do this? Are my standards too high? Is there an alternative, perhaps more understanding or considerate way to engage in this kind of screening? Would speed-dating be better?

Submitted March 13, 2023 at 12:13AM

For perspective I am a Man who dates Men (or masc-presenting persons, if that ever comes up. Hasn't yet.)It is often my policy to, during a first date conversation, throw someone a curveball. This is mostly to save myself time possibly wasted on a second or third date for those who can't catch it. These curveballs are relatively large parts of my life or things I think about at least twice a week that I notice are not always present in many other people's lives (no value judgement from me either way, just need some common ground). These curveballs can include, but are not limited to:-Obscure hobbies or topics, like Dungeons and Dragons, SCP articles, Nature Conservation, Historical topics circa 5000 BCE-1800 CE, Musical movements from 1400 to 1950, local mythology/legends/folklore from the last two centuries, etc. I am very nerdy and that covers a lot of ground, factual and fictional.-How open they are to alternative religious views outside of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc. OR how well do they know their faith if they are part of a major religion? I consider myself an amateur theologian and Spirituality (particularly alternative spirituality) is a huge part of my life that can't be avoided by anyone who wants to be in my life.-The intersections of Psychology, Sociology, and Cultural Studies, individual awareness of social cues, different measurements of intellect, sociological or cultural influences that shape how we perceive each other, etc. Community Tradition vs individual innovation. I'm always thinking about how people function individually and as a group.To sum up, I'm dropping curveballs like this to try and find someone I can have good conversation with. If we don't have that much to talk about, this is never going to work. If all a person can converse about is the everyday stuff most people encounter, I'm going to be bored out my skull with them inside of a month.That being said, I rarely get a positive response for this tactic. Most people get awkward, or their eyes glaze over and I can see them pull away (*not metaphorical, they almost always lean back and stop making eye contact), or some similar nonverbal rejection.I've tried the alternative way of broaching the topic by asking them things like "What's the most interesting thing about you?" to see if I can get them to open up and find something to serve as a basis for a more stimulating or engrossing interaction, and I've nearly always found myself at a loss as they talk about something that happened when they were 9 that they think is really weird but is actually a somewhat common occurrence, or how they always wanted to visit Japan/Germany/Brazil because it seems really cool, or how they read "The Secret" once and it seemed really interesting, or how they're still very involved in their fraternity or other childhood social group....That's all well and great for them if that's the life they love, but that's about the point where my eyes glaze over and I just smile and nod as they launch into a 20 minute one-sided conversation I am desperately trying to care about. I find it less painful if they pull away, as I have a hard time letting them know I'm bored without being rude.Am I being rude when I do this? Are my standards too high? Is there an alternative, perhaps more understanding or considerate way to engage in this kind of screening? Would speed-dating be better?