Never being a first or true love: seeking advice for grappling with retroactive jealousy and insecurity.

I (20F) never experienced adolescent love; I was quiet and asocial. Now that I am opening myself to relationships and sexual connections, I know that I will never be someone's first love, likely not their first relationship. People often cast a rosy light over former relationships. In my case, this is especially true, as his (22M) first relationship was awful, second near-perfect (ended by extrinsic circumstances), his experience of "real, unconditional love". (This is a more general problem, however, with being an inexperienced woman.) It is childish, but the stabbing thought comes each time: I will never be enough, he will always wish for that one to be rekindled, I am a limp, inadequate replacement for what he would truly prefer. I can never offer the wholeheartedness of those past loves. (This is perhaps aggravated by the fact that this is currently a casual, non-exclusive relationship.)

How can I manage these feelings, this futile retroactive envy? In my healthier moments, I consider (a) that past experience has made him mature and brought him to his current self and (b) that I have the gift of a kaleidoscopic person in front of me, a compound of other lives and loves. I do wish this wasn't such a thorn in my side, for it's self-indulgent and unproductive.

TLDR: As someone with no relationship history, how can I healthily approach love with more experienced men?

Submitted March 23, 2023 at 01:06AM

I (20F) never experienced adolescent love; I was quiet and asocial. Now that I am opening myself to relationships and sexual connections, I know that I will never be someone's first love, likely not their first relationship. People often cast a rosy light over former relationships. In my case, this is especially true, as his (22M) first relationship was awful, second near-perfect (ended by extrinsic circumstances), his experience of "real, unconditional love". (This is a more general problem, however, with being an inexperienced woman.) It is childish, but the stabbing thought comes each time: I will never be enough, he will always wish for that one to be rekindled, I am a limp, inadequate replacement for what he would truly prefer. I can never offer the wholeheartedness of those past loves. (This is perhaps aggravated by the fact that this is currently a casual, non-exclusive relationship.)How can I manage these feelings, this futile retroactive envy? In my healthier moments, I consider (a) that past experience has made him mature and brought him to his current self and (b) that I have the gift of a kaleidoscopic person in front of me, a compound of other lives and loves. I do wish this wasn't such a thorn in my side, for it's self-indulgent and unproductive.TLDR: As someone with no relationship history, how can I healthily approach love with more experienced men?