How do I (33m) gracefully end a casual sexual relationship that sneakily evolved into more?

I (33m) met this really unique, cool girl (26f) on a dating site a couple of years ago. We've always had kind of a strange chemistry. I think there's a lot of natural attraction, but our personalities are completely different, and it's not difficult for us to tread into a conversation that gets us both in complete disagreement. Over the past couple of years we've had multiple conversations about how we are just not right for each other, but the basic sexual attraction keeps us popping back into each other's dm's and we'd end up "hanging out" again. Multiple times we'd start hooking up and hanging out again, only to get into another disagreement and not see each other again for a few months. Each time we fought, despite disagreeing, we always seem to come out of it with a bit of a mutual understanding about each other and our boundaries and stuff. Although of course the core disagreement would always remain, and it would just be another reason to add to why the long-term relationship would just never work between us.

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Because both of us are pretty respectful, these fights never spiraled into anything especially toxic, like name calling or belittling. We just fundamentally disagreed. And on top of that have completely different personalities and interests. But those fights, despite them causing us to fall out for a couple of months, always seemed to add a little bit more of a deeper understanding of each other when we'd eventually start hanging out again.

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Cut to the most recent time that we started hanging out again. The fights don't seem to be happening anymore. We both just seem to avoid topics that we know the other will disagree with. That sucks, because it can feel like you're hanging out with somebody that you can't be yourself with, and can't share ideas with. I don't feel like I'm getting to know any of the fun parts of this other person. It's just not conducive to a healthy, long-term relationship. If you haven't guessed by now, the sex is incredible, and seems to be the single thing that keeps us both coming back again. This time around is no different, and because there hasn't been any fighting, it seems like emotionally she is going to that next step. She has started dropping the L word at times when it's difficult to shut down (like when I'm going down on her, etc), and have been just returning muffled "love yous". I'm not saying that I don't love this human being that I've known somewhat intimately for two years, but I'm not in-love with her, and have certainly not been on the emotional journey to get there with her.

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I guess my question is just that I'm looking for a neutral party who can tell me if I'm just an idiot for treading into this expecting that this was just casual sexual attraction? We've openly said that we are not right for each other, so I've always felt like our hanging out was just mutual attraction being acted on because we're both single and trust each other, etc. The next part of this question is what are ways that I can delicately shut this thing down and allow us both to move on amicably?



Submitted March 20, 2023 at 12:20AM

I (33m) met this really unique, cool girl (26f) on a dating site a couple of years ago. We've always had kind of a strange chemistry. I think there's a lot of natural attraction, but our personalities are completely different, and it's not difficult for us to tread into a conversation that gets us both in complete disagreement. Over the past couple of years we've had multiple conversations about how we are just not right for each other, but the basic sexual attraction keeps us popping back into each other's dm's and we'd end up "hanging out" again. Multiple times we'd start hooking up and hanging out again, only to get into another disagreement and not see each other again for a few months. Each time we fought, despite disagreeing, we always seem to come out of it with a bit of a mutual understanding about each other and our boundaries and stuff. Although of course the core disagreement would always remain, and it would just be another reason to add to why the long-term relationship would just never work between us.​Because both of us are pretty respectful, these fights never spiraled into anything especially toxic, like name calling or belittling. We just fundamentally disagreed. And on top of that have completely different personalities and interests. But those fights, despite them causing us to fall out for a couple of months, always seemed to add a little bit more of a deeper understanding of each other when we'd eventually start hanging out again.​Cut to the most recent time that we started hanging out again. The fights don't seem to be happening anymore. We both just seem to avoid topics that we know the other will disagree with. That sucks, because it can feel like you're hanging out with somebody that you can't be yourself with, and can't share ideas with. I don't feel like I'm getting to know any of the fun parts of this other person. It's just not conducive to a healthy, long-term relationship. If you haven't guessed by now, the sex is incredible, and seems to be the single thing that keeps us both coming back again. This time around is no different, and because there hasn't been any fighting, it seems like emotionally she is going to that next step. She has started dropping the L word at times when it's difficult to shut down (like when I'm going down on her, etc), and have been just returning muffled "love yous". I'm not saying that I don't love this human being that I've known somewhat intimately for two years, but I'm not in-love with her, and have certainly not been on the emotional journey to get there with her.​I guess my question is just that I'm looking for a neutral party who can tell me if I'm just an idiot for treading into this expecting that this was just casual sexual attraction? We've openly said that we are not right for each other, so I've always felt like our hanging out was just mutual attraction being acted on because we're both single and trust each other, etc. The next part of this question is what are ways that I can delicately shut this thing down and allow us both to move on amicably?
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