Her previous boyfriend cheated on her. She still keeps in touch with him from time to time? Is it a red flag?

I've been seeing this girl long distance for half a year now. I'm 31, she's 26. She told me quite early on that she had two serious relationships before. One when she was a teenager, and one only a few years ago. This last boyfriend, she was together with for 2-3 years or something.

Last time i visited her, around a month ago, we talked about exclusivity, and at that point she told me that she had some issues with trusting guys, and it had mainly to do with the fact that her previous boyfriend cheated on her. She said that he had cheated very early on in the relationship and lied to her about it for probably almost two years or something (don't know the exact details). She said she gave him several chances of coming clean, but he didn't until she finally confronted him. She told me about how angry it made her (she's a very calm and shy person). She told me that she wanted me to be completely honest with her, and that i had to tell her if i was hiding something.

Some weeks later, she visited me for a weekend. During this time we talked a bit at night, and i asked her about her ex and if she still talked to him. She then said that they sent snapchats from time to time. She didn't make it seem like they talked often, but i still felt weird about it. I don't understand why you would keep in touch with an asshole that cheated on you and lied about it for years? She told me that she was the one that broke up (obviously..) and when i proned more about it, she said that he was "likely hoping that they could be back together again". I then said "But you will not allow that?", and she said "No.". I told her that i thought it was a bit weird, and she said she could see how it might look weird from my perspective.

I then talked to my female friend, who is also friends with this girl. When she visited me, they were together a bit while i was at work. She told me that they had talked about relationships, because she was struggling herself with the guy she was seeing who had kids, and she wasn't sure i she wanted to enter a relationship with someone who was already a dad. The girl i'm seeing had then told her that "he will always put his children first, you will always be second etc", and she said she spoke from experience. So she said that her previous boyfriend had two children when they dated. She has never told me this. To be fair, i have never asked about that specifically, but i kinda feel like this is a significant thing to tell me about, or am i being silly? I asked her if they lived together, and she said "sort of", as she travelled a lot and stuff, but when the opportunity was there they lived together. Got me thinking she has probably met his children, maybe even gotten to know them a bit? I find it a bit ironic that she pushed me for honesty with her, when she could have been honest to me about her ex? Again, she would probably have told me if i asked specifically, but how was i supposed to know..

I kinda want to ask her about it, but that would compromise my friend, as they shared things they didn't want to tell other people. If i asked her, she would know that our mutual friend is not trustworthy. Also, we are not "official" and we are long-distance, although she has agreed that we are "basically a couple". Thoughts about this? I'm thinking that if we were officially together, and living together, i would not accept her keeping in touch with her ex, but i don't really have that leverage right now? She doesn't live in the same city as her ex..

Submitted December 01, 2022 at 01:12AM

I've been seeing this girl long distance for half a year now. I'm 31, she's 26. She told me quite early on that she had two serious relationships before. One when she was a teenager, and one only a few years ago. This last boyfriend, she was together with for 2-3 years or something.Last time i visited her, around a month ago, we talked about exclusivity, and at that point she told me that she had some issues with trusting guys, and it had mainly to do with the fact that her previous boyfriend cheated on her. She said that he had cheated very early on in the relationship and lied to her about it for probably almost two years or something (don't know the exact details). She said she gave him several chances of coming clean, but he didn't until she finally confronted him. She told me about how angry it made her (she's a very calm and shy person). She told me that she wanted me to be completely honest with her, and that i had to tell her if i was hiding something.Some weeks later, she visited me for a weekend. During this time we talked a bit at night, and i asked her about her ex and if she still talked to him. She then said that they sent snapchats from time to time. She didn't make it seem like they talked often, but i still felt weird about it. I don't understand why you would keep in touch with an asshole that cheated on you and lied about it for years? She told me that she was the one that broke up (obviously..) and when i proned more about it, she said that he was "likely hoping that they could be back together again". I then said "But you will not allow that?", and she said "No.". I told her that i thought it was a bit weird, and she said she could see how it might look weird from my perspective.I then talked to my female friend, who is also friends with this girl. When she visited me, they were together a bit while i was at work. She told me that they had talked about relationships, because she was struggling herself with the guy she was seeing who had kids, and she wasn't sure i she wanted to enter a relationship with someone who was already a dad. The girl i'm seeing had then told her that "he will always put his children first, you will always be second etc", and she said she spoke from experience. So she said that her previous boyfriend had two children when they dated. She has never told me this. To be fair, i have never asked about that specifically, but i kinda feel like this is a significant thing to tell me about, or am i being silly? I asked her if they lived together, and she said "sort of", as she travelled a lot and stuff, but when the opportunity was there they lived together. Got me thinking she has probably met his children, maybe even gotten to know them a bit? I find it a bit ironic that she pushed me for honesty with her, when she could have been honest to me about her ex? Again, she would probably have told me if i asked specifically, but how was i supposed to know..I kinda want to ask her about it, but that would compromise my friend, as they shared things they didn't want to tell other people. If i asked her, she would know that our mutual friend is not trustworthy. Also, we are not "official" and we are long-distance, although she has agreed that we are "basically a couple". Thoughts about this? I'm thinking that if we were officially together, and living together, i would not accept her keeping in touch with her ex, but i don't really have that leverage right now? She doesn't live in the same city as her ex..