Dating after healing and dealing with my shit - realizing everyone I meet has not dealt with their shit

Its frustrating. Im a 30 year old woman. Ive been in different relationships throughout my 20s. Toxicity in partners and toxicity in myself. Worked hard on myself the last 10 years. The last couple of years it began paying off. I know myself well, Ive dealt with my triggers, worked with my attachment, I take responsibility for myself, my nervoussystem and emotional regulation. I make myself happy. I found love for myself and life. So I thought dating again, being my unproblematic self, would be easier but the men (very wonderful men indeed) I have dated - they have not dealt with their past wounds or traumas and are not in awareness. Ive tried dated men in their 40s instead - same experience. Ive tried to sit with them in vulnerability, in their fear of loving again - or whatever their wounds are - but they are not the same place as I am, and have not done the work - and I dont want to end up in anything codependent/ me having to be their therapist.

The guys Ive dated have seemed very into me, expressed their feelings for me and plans for the future. But still showcase hot/cold behaviour, avoidant deactivation, unrational anxiety. All the kind of stuff I used to do myself until I realized it was my responsibility to deal with those feelings.

Am I just meeting the "wrong people" or is this how it generally is and will be? Because then I prefer being on my own. I realize Im not meeting guys with secure attachment even though thats my goal when I ask someone out. I look for if they are communicative, open, vulnerable and takes initiative. But then a month in, their insecure attachment peeks out and I feel like I missed something earlier on.

Submitted August 12, 2022 at 10:33AM

Its frustrating. Im a 30 year old woman. Ive been in different relationships throughout my 20s. Toxicity in partners and toxicity in myself. Worked hard on myself the last 10 years. The last couple of years it began paying off. I know myself well, Ive dealt with my triggers, worked with my attachment, I take responsibility for myself, my nervoussystem and emotional regulation. I make myself happy. I found love for myself and life. So I thought dating again, being my unproblematic self, would be easier but the men (very wonderful men indeed) I have dated - they have not dealt with their past wounds or traumas and are not in awareness. Ive tried dated men in their 40s instead - same experience. Ive tried to sit with them in vulnerability, in their fear of loving again - or whatever their wounds are - but they are not the same place as I am, and have not done the work - and I dont want to end up in anything codependent/ me having to be their therapist.The guys Ive dated have seemed very into me, expressed their feelings for me and plans for the future. But still showcase hot/cold behaviour, avoidant deactivation, unrational anxiety. All the kind of stuff I used to do myself until I realized it was my responsibility to deal with those feelings.Am I just meeting the "wrong people" or is this how it generally is and will be? Because then I prefer being on my own. I realize Im not meeting guys with secure attachment even though thats my goal when I ask someone out. I look for if they are communicative, open, vulnerable and takes initiative. But then a month in, their insecure attachment peeks out and I feel like I missed something earlier on.