She “loves me, but is scared”

I (34m), have been reconnecting with an ex girlfriend (33f). We dated 18 months ago and she ended things suddenly. I was heartbroken and fought for her, but ended up moving on and going NC after repeated failed attempts to reconcile.

18 months later we’ve reconnected and have been “dating” again for 4 months. She’s hot and cold. When its good, its so good. We’re in love, plain and simple. Then it flips and she’s distant and is difficult to decipher and hard to nail down.

Not that I put too much stock in attachment theory, but in this particular case - and for the first time in my life - I’m clearly anxiously attached to her. I love her, want a family and the whole 9. She means the world to me and bc of that I feel the fear of losing her (for the second time).

She seems like a classic avoidant. It’s always push/pull—I will tell her how I feel, make my feelings very well known, and make sure she feels loved. But when I do this too much I feel her pull away.

She’s told me that she has a tendency to sabotage, that she “loves me, but is scared” and that she romanticizes the idea of me, but is freaked out by how intense it is when we’re together. We can’t just relax and enjoy each others company because it’s always fruitless conversations about the nature of our relationship (that I want her, and that she isn’t ready). Right now we’re more than friends, but not in a relationship.

I feel like the sensible advice is to just move on- but there’s too much here for me to walk away. I recently asked her point blank if there’s a chance we make this work; she replied “yes there’s a good chance.” When you hear that from the person you love it’s impossible to give up.

Please help me rationalize this and figure out what to do!

Submitted January 09, 2022 at 12:15AM

I (34m), have been reconnecting with an ex girlfriend (33f). We dated 18 months ago and she ended things suddenly. I was heartbroken and fought for her, but ended up moving on and going NC after repeated failed attempts to reconcile.18 months later we’ve reconnected and have been “dating” again for 4 months. She’s hot and cold. When its good, its so good. We’re in love, plain and simple. Then it flips and she’s distant and is difficult to decipher and hard to nail down.Not that I put too much stock in attachment theory, but in this particular case - and for the first time in my life - I’m clearly anxiously attached to her. I love her, want a family and the whole 9. She means the world to me and bc of that I feel the fear of losing her (for the second time).She seems like a classic avoidant. It’s always push/pull—I will tell her how I feel, make my feelings very well known, and make sure she feels loved. But when I do this too much I feel her pull away.She’s told me that she has a tendency to sabotage, that she “loves me, but is scared” and that she romanticizes the idea of me, but is freaked out by how intense it is when we’re together. We can’t just relax and enjoy each others company because it’s always fruitless conversations about the nature of our relationship (that I want her, and that she isn’t ready). Right now we’re more than friends, but not in a relationship.I feel like the sensible advice is to just move on- but there’s too much here for me to walk away. I recently asked her point blank if there’s a chance we make this work; she replied “yes there’s a good chance.” When you hear that from the person you love it’s impossible to give up.Please help me rationalize this and figure out what to do!