Yikes, did I make a toxic mistake or set a healthy boundary

I've never posted before so bear with me please, but I'm stuck in a weird situation that I've not experienced before and could use some objective interpretation.

A week ago, my partner(26nb) and I(23nb) split up after two months of dating because I asked them to increase our communication when we weren't together.

Background, we hung out a few times a week and I was becoming pretty good friends with their roommate(26F) as well, and I thought things were going great. But about a little over a month in, communication started to fall off. They were texting me less through out the day, offering to hang out less and less, and even when we were together, were becoming less physically affectionate and conversationally involved. I didn't mind at first, because I knew they were stressed with some intense life circumstances, obviously the honeymoon phase ends, and I was really falling for them and wanted to be with them. They then got into a pretty serious car accident, which they didn't immediately tell me about (I found out from a comment on a YouTube video they had left), and became much more withdrawn. I was very worried about them, because they told me they were exhibiting pretty scary PTSD symptoms from the accident and it hurt to see someone I loved so withdrawn. The communication fell off more and more after the accident and I started to get worried about 1. Their mental health and 2. Their opinion of our relationship. This is when I began to notice that their Snapchat Map would update their location and "last seen" without me receiving any messages from them, which means they were messaging others, but not me. After about a week of falling down that rabbit hole and getting more and more paranoid, I realized that was not healthy at all and just sent them a message saying basically, I was concerned about the lack of communication to me and that I wished they would let me know when they were busy so I wasn't waiting around for a message I wasn't going to get. I'll admit, the tone of the text was pretty confrontational and they immediately messaged back conceding that they hadn't been as communicative as they'd like to be, but also telling me that they were out with a friend and would be home later.

Later, things felt normal at first, but then I invited them to my place and they refused because they felt "on edge" after my previous messages. Of course, I wanted to unpack this and work out the issue. They expressed that they were upset with my confrontation because they had really been struggling mentally, had been trying to stay off their phone more anyways in order to focus on creative projects, and felt like I was interrogating them because I had asked a few times who they were hanging out with, but they hadn't answered. This is where I'm not sure if I made a mistake, because I got very defensive, very fast. I tried to explain that I knew they were on their phone but not texting me and they continuously refuted that, to the point where I just said I knew they were lying because of SnapMaps. I asked again who they had been hanging out with earlier and they told me it was a friend (F) of theirs who they had met on Tinder around the same time we matched who they had stopped a possible relationship with in order to date me. To me, the fact that I had to press for this information made me really scared and I expressed this to them, to which they asked if it was a masculine friend if I would feel the same. I responded yes, because hiding where you are from your partner no matter why seems a little suspect to me. This is when it all devolved and they accused me of gaslighting them and mistreating them and they ended the relationship. It just got nasty with each of us accusing the other of manipulation and I just decided to end it and remove them on SnapChat.

About an hour or so later, I received a text from them asking if I was okay and reiterating that the reasons they broke up with me were the manipulation and interrogation. I simply responded that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, especially without seeing my regular therapist who I have been working on relationship building with and they knew this. They responded by insulting my mental health (saying I needed "serious help" and they were "sick" about my "obvious manipulation" ) and that they had shown their roommate everything and she knew how terrible of a person I was now. I ended this conversation quickly and deleted their number.

I guess my question is, did I actually mess it up with my confrontation, accusations, and defensiveness? Or were they not willing to meet my needs/boundaries and made me feel like it was my fault? Because, I'm one to get over toxic people quick, and I'm still stuck on them and crying every day because I miss them. We had a really strong bond and I thought they were the healthiest person I've dated in a long time; I thought we were really good together. Was this a case of toxicity on my part, their part, or just actually a huge misunderstanding?

Submitted September 10, 2021 at 11:58PM

I've never posted before so bear with me please, but I'm stuck in a weird situation that I've not experienced before and could use some objective interpretation.A week ago, my partner(26nb) and I(23nb) split up after two months of dating because I asked them to increase our communication when we weren't together.Background, we hung out a few times a week and I was becoming pretty good friends with their roommate(26F) as well, and I thought things were going great. But about a little over a month in, communication started to fall off. They were texting me less through out the day, offering to hang out less and less, and even when we were together, were becoming less physically affectionate and conversationally involved. I didn't mind at first, because I knew they were stressed with some intense life circumstances, obviously the honeymoon phase ends, and I was really falling for them and wanted to be with them. They then got into a pretty serious car accident, which they didn't immediately tell me about (I found out from a comment on a YouTube video they had left), and became much more withdrawn. I was very worried about them, because they told me they were exhibiting pretty scary PTSD symptoms from the accident and it hurt to see someone I loved so withdrawn. The communication fell off more and more after the accident and I started to get worried about 1. Their mental health and 2. Their opinion of our relationship. This is when I began to notice that their Snapchat Map would update their location and "last seen" without me receiving any messages from them, which means they were messaging others, but not me. After about a week of falling down that rabbit hole and getting more and more paranoid, I realized that was not healthy at all and just sent them a message saying basically, I was concerned about the lack of communication to me and that I wished they would let me know when they were busy so I wasn't waiting around for a message I wasn't going to get. I'll admit, the tone of the text was pretty confrontational and they immediately messaged back conceding that they hadn't been as communicative as they'd like to be, but also telling me that they were out with a friend and would be home later.Later, things felt normal at first, but then I invited them to my place and they refused because they felt "on edge" after my previous messages. Of course, I wanted to unpack this and work out the issue. They expressed that they were upset with my confrontation because they had really been struggling mentally, had been trying to stay off their phone more anyways in order to focus on creative projects, and felt like I was interrogating them because I had asked a few times who they were hanging out with, but they hadn't answered. This is where I'm not sure if I made a mistake, because I got very defensive, very fast. I tried to explain that I knew they were on their phone but not texting me and they continuously refuted that, to the point where I just said I knew they were lying because of SnapMaps. I asked again who they had been hanging out with earlier and they told me it was a friend (F) of theirs who they had met on Tinder around the same time we matched who they had stopped a possible relationship with in order to date me. To me, the fact that I had to press for this information made me really scared and I expressed this to them, to which they asked if it was a masculine friend if I would feel the same. I responded yes, because hiding where you are from your partner no matter why seems a little suspect to me. This is when it all devolved and they accused me of gaslighting them and mistreating them and they ended the relationship. It just got nasty with each of us accusing the other of manipulation and I just decided to end it and remove them on SnapChat.About an hour or so later, I received a text from them asking if I was okay and reiterating that the reasons they broke up with me were the manipulation and interrogation. I simply responded that I didn't want to talk about it anymore, especially without seeing my regular therapist who I have been working on relationship building with and they knew this. They responded by insulting my mental health (saying I needed "serious help" and they were "sick" about my "obvious manipulation" ) and that they had shown their roommate everything and she knew how terrible of a person I was now. I ended this conversation quickly and deleted their number.I guess my question is, did I actually mess it up with my confrontation, accusations, and defensiveness? Or were they not willing to meet my needs/boundaries and made me feel like it was my fault? Because, I'm one to get over toxic people quick, and I'm still stuck on them and crying every day because I miss them. We had a really strong bond and I thought they were the healthiest person I've dated in a long time; I thought we were really good together. Was this a case of toxicity on my part, their part, or just actually a huge misunderstanding?