Lack of Chemistry - What to do?

Background: I (30F) and my husband (31M) have been together for 10 years, married for 3. I had an abusive childhood and my barometer for a healthy relationship was way off. My husband is the kindest, most patient person I've ever met and with his help and with therapy, I've become a much better partner. We generally communicate well and when we spend time together, we have fun.

Over the past year, I've been feeling unhappy. My husband and I have a great friend group and we spend time with them as often as possible while socially distancing these days. If we do anything as a group, he is excited and would bend over backward to see them. If I suggest we do something just the two of us, he is resistant. He wants to be sold on why it's worth his time. When I bring up this double standard, he agrees that it's present, but doesn't see a problem with it. It makes me wonder if he enjoys hanging out with me. When I bring up these concerns, he's surprised that I feel that way.

And, I suppose like any marriage, we are intimate less often. When we have sex, it's formulaic and frankly, boring, and I'm not interested. I've told him this. This is made worse because we rarely touch one another at home. I asked if we could hug/kiss one another more frequently and he's obliged. This hasn't helped, and I speculate it's because of a lack of passion. I've been imagining have sex with other men (fantasies or people I have no contact with).

The word "divorce" has been circling in my head and it upsets me. I think of him with tenderness and he would make an excellent father, but imagining these problems persisting with children makes me feel a lot of dread.

I would really appreciate any advice or encouragement. I'm feeling stuck, and I don't know what to do.

Submitted September 27, 2020 at 11:34PM

Background: I (30F) and my husband (31M) have been together for 10 years, married for 3. I had an abusive childhood and my barometer for a healthy relationship was way off. My husband is the kindest, most patient person I've ever met and with his help and with therapy, I've become a much better partner. We generally communicate well and when we spend time together, we have fun.Over the past year, I've been feeling unhappy. My husband and I have a great friend group and we spend time with them as often as possible while socially distancing these days. If we do anything as a group, he is excited and would bend over backward to see them. If I suggest we do something just the two of us, he is resistant. He wants to be sold on why it's worth his time. When I bring up this double standard, he agrees that it's present, but doesn't see a problem with it. It makes me wonder if he enjoys hanging out with me. When I bring up these concerns, he's surprised that I feel that way.And, I suppose like any marriage, we are intimate less often. When we have sex, it's formulaic and frankly, boring, and I'm not interested. I've told him this. This is made worse because we rarely touch one another at home. I asked if we could hug/kiss one another more frequently and he's obliged. This hasn't helped, and I speculate it's because of a lack of passion. I've been imagining have sex with other men (fantasies or people I have no contact with).The word "divorce" has been circling in my head and it upsets me. I think of him with tenderness and he would make an excellent father, but imagining these problems persisting with children makes me feel a lot of dread.I would really appreciate any advice or encouragement. I'm feeling stuck, and I don't know what to do.