How to deal with trauma baggage in new relationship?

I started seeing this new guy for three months now - he’s great and I can see myself with him in the long term. Except we went drinking with friends last night and he came home very drunk and when he tried to initiate in bed I wasn’t really having it...and while he didn’t force himself on me, he asked “why are you resisting?” And it triggered some bad memories of a prior relationship from a decade ago. And I took my stuff and went to the second bedroom where I felt “safe” even though I knew he would never actually hurt me but the trigger was enough for me to go into flight mode.

We haven’t spoken much about our past relationships- and it’s painful and I almost feel ashamed - and yes I’ve seen therapists in the past but it hasn’t helped with these situations where I get transported back emotionally. I tried to tell this new guy (ineloquently I’m sure) and he said “it sounds like you’re alluding to some past abuse or assault” and I shut down because it felt like he just threw a label on it and it’s never just that simple of a feeling. But now it feels like we’ve “talked about it” and I don’t know how to bring it up again.

How do you tell the new guy that you need him to be extra sensitive around certain behaviors because someone else did a number on you?



Submitted September 27, 2020 at 11:56PM

I started seeing this new guy for three months now - he’s great and I can see myself with him in the long term. Except we went drinking with friends last night and he came home very drunk and when he tried to initiate in bed I wasn’t really having it...and while he didn’t force himself on me, he asked “why are you resisting?” And it triggered some bad memories of a prior relationship from a decade ago. And I took my stuff and went to the second bedroom where I felt “safe” even though I knew he would never actually hurt me but the trigger was enough for me to go into flight mode.We haven’t spoken much about our past relationships- and it’s painful and I almost feel ashamed - and yes I’ve seen therapists in the past but it hasn’t helped with these situations where I get transported back emotionally. I tried to tell this new guy (ineloquently I’m sure) and he said “it sounds like you’re alluding to some past abuse or assault” and I shut down because it felt like he just threw a label on it and it’s never just that simple of a feeling. But now it feels like we’ve “talked about it” and I don’t know how to bring it up again.How do you tell the new guy that you need him to be extra sensitive around certain behaviors because someone else did a number on you?
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