How to deal with trauma baggage in new relationship?

I started seeing this new guy for three months now - he’s great and I can see myself with him in the long term. Except we went drinking with friends last night and he came home very drunk and when he tried to initiate in bed I wasn’t really having it...and while he didn’t force himself on me, he asked “why are you resisting?” And it triggered some bad memories of a prior relationship from a decade ago. And I took my stuff and went to the second bedroom where I felt “safe” even though I knew he would never actually hurt me but the trigger was enough for me to go into flight mode.

We haven’t spoken much about our past relationships- and it’s painful and I almost feel ashamed - and yes I’ve seen therapists in the past but it hasn’t helped with these situations where I get transported back emotionally. I tried to tell this new guy (ineloquently I’m sure) and he said “it sounds like you’re alluding to some past abuse or assault” and I shut down because it felt like he just threw a label on it and it’s never just that simple of a feeling. But now it feels like we’ve “talked about it” and I don’t know how to bring it up again.

How do you tell the new guy that you need him to be extra sensitive around certain behaviors because someone else did a number on you?



Submitted September 27, 2020 at 11:56PM

I started seeing this new guy for three months now - he’s great and I can see myself with him in the long term. Except we went drinking with friends last night and he came home very drunk and when he tried to initiate in bed I wasn’t really having it...and while he didn’t force himself on me, he asked “why are you resisting?” And it triggered some bad memories of a prior relationship from a decade ago. And I took my stuff and went to the second bedroom where I felt “safe” even though I knew he would never actually hurt me but the trigger was enough for me to go into flight mode.We haven’t spoken much about our past relationships- and it’s painful and I almost feel ashamed - and yes I’ve seen therapists in the past but it hasn’t helped with these situations where I get transported back emotionally. I tried to tell this new guy (ineloquently I’m sure) and he said “it sounds like you’re alluding to some past abuse or assault” and I shut down because it felt like he just threw a label on it and it’s never just that simple of a feeling. But now it feels like we’ve “talked about it” and I don’t know how to bring it up again.How do you tell the new guy that you need him to be extra sensitive around certain behaviors because someone else did a number on you?
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Add Comments, Posts, Links... etc.

Popular posts from this blog

The difference between being right and being understood

My boyfriend and I are 28. We’ve been together for about 1.5 years and recently moved in together. He’s a pretty patient and easygoing person (Type B) whereas I’m more particular (Type A). Of course there are two sides to every trait, and my Type A nature benefits us in some ways too. Like all couples, we have differences in perspective or preference. When this happens, he will usually say something like “I disagree (with your perspective) but fine.” I tend to push the issue in an attempt to get him to understand where I’m coming from. This escalates the disagreement into a fight because he perceives it as me trying to be “right”. I truly just want to be understood (and I want to understand where he’s coming from) so I’m looking for more of a dialogue whereas he avoids conflict and just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. His general approach is “agree to disagree” but that doesn’t make sense to me when it’s an issue that will keep coming up and requires compromise. I’m n...
Read more

My (27f) gf (27f) is getting tired of me not sharing intimate/ personal info about me

I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love with her, however I can not seem to open up... and I can tell it’s frustrating to her by the way she tells me it bothers her that she feels she’s the only one committed and the one that’s always sharing... At this point I don’t even know if it is that I’ve gotten too used to it, to the point I’ve became lazy to talk about myself or give any genuine personal opinion... it sucks, really, I need to communicate better... Where do I start? Tl;dr: I can’t be completely intimate with my gf and its frustrating her, I need to communicate better because I really love her... where to start? Submitted April 25, 2019 at 06:02AM I’ve always been extremely private and introverted. We have more than a year together and we’ve been living together for like 6 months, we get along pretty good and I’m really in love ...
Read more

My (23M) girlfriend (25F) relationship is confusing to me. I might be the problem, or maybe we are just incompatible.

I met my girlfriend after a few serious breakups that led me to change both intentionally and unintentionally over a few years. For better and for worse. She had just gotten out of an engagement with a verbally and physically abusive man who had a cocaine problem. We have been together about 8 months now. We hit it off and spent a lot of time together but she began to push our relationship as if there were a time clock for milestones. I was pressed beyond my comfort zone and went with it because of my affection for her. My living situation fell apart and I lost a few thousand dollars to shit roommates right around the time she and I met and she offered to let me stay with her. I agreed with some resistance. I pay for food, help her with bills, and throw money toward rent while trying to get back on my feet. As long as we have been together she has gotten more possessive, angry, and irrational. She is dealing with shit from her engagement and I feel shes looking for a level of seriou...
Read more