Processing a recent dating experience

After a while of not even putting myself out there for dating I ventured back to the dating apps. I matched with a guy, we messaged, then video chatted, and had a really great first in-person date. Prior to this experience the dates usually ended up with people talking at me, or they were just putting the time to get some action. Usually I left feeling very deflated, exhausted, and ultimately annoyed. These experiences were so pervasive that I started believing that I was incapable of being in love again or even be interested in the idea of loving someone. It had also been a VERY long time that I had the physical feeling of attraction to someone.

This experience was so different. Talking to him was exciting and I would be happy to get a message from him. When we were talking and later kissing (COVID be damned I guess?) my body was responding in a way that I hadn't felt since my 20's (I'm in my late 30's).

The second date came and needed to be rescheduled so he could tend to some father responsibilities. For the second date, we were both excited to see each other. I felt increasingly nervous as the time approached. I also got my period the day before and that always really affects the way I feel about myself. My confidence completely depletes. I was feeling shy. I didn't like any of the clothes I had to wear and thus felt uncomfortable. I felt outside of myself and not able to engage in anyway. I did let him know that I was feeling that way and he was very compassionate and kind and we continued on our date. On the way home I cried the whole time. I think I knew.

A couple days later after a couple texts he let me know that he really enjoyed getting to know me, and he decided he wanted to continue his search. It was very respectful and he impressed me by being honest and NOT ghosting me...which we all know is rare these days. I'm feeling pretty sad about it and of course I'm going through a lot of trying to figure out what I did wrong. And I also know this is a huge opportunity for growth for me personally and it also still stings and it quickly pulled me back into the old narratives. I'm also grateful for this better experience.

Also, now that I'm diving back in I have matched with 4 guys with the same name...which is weird and something that keeps this superstitious gal weirded out.

I guess I'm looking for some reassurance and some motivation to keep at it and/or some folks that might be willing to help process more about it so I can maybe glean some insights from other perspectives.

Submitted July 25, 2020 at 08:22PM

After a while of not even putting myself out there for dating I ventured back to the dating apps. I matched with a guy, we messaged, then video chatted, and had a really great first in-person date. Prior to this experience the dates usually ended up with people talking at me, or they were just putting the time to get some action. Usually I left feeling very deflated, exhausted, and ultimately annoyed. These experiences were so pervasive that I started believing that I was incapable of being in love again or even be interested in the idea of loving someone. It had also been a VERY long time that I had the physical feeling of attraction to someone.This experience was so different. Talking to him was exciting and I would be happy to get a message from him. When we were talking and later kissing (COVID be damned I guess?) my body was responding in a way that I hadn't felt since my 20's (I'm in my late 30's).The second date came and needed to be rescheduled so he could tend to some father responsibilities. For the second date, we were both excited to see each other. I felt increasingly nervous as the time approached. I also got my period the day before and that always really affects the way I feel about myself. My confidence completely depletes. I was feeling shy. I didn't like any of the clothes I had to wear and thus felt uncomfortable. I felt outside of myself and not able to engage in anyway. I did let him know that I was feeling that way and he was very compassionate and kind and we continued on our date. On the way home I cried the whole time. I think I knew.A couple days later after a couple texts he let me know that he really enjoyed getting to know me, and he decided he wanted to continue his search. It was very respectful and he impressed me by being honest and NOT ghosting me...which we all know is rare these days. I'm feeling pretty sad about it and of course I'm going through a lot of trying to figure out what I did wrong. And I also know this is a huge opportunity for growth for me personally and it also still stings and it quickly pulled me back into the old narratives. I'm also grateful for this better experience.Also, now that I'm diving back in I have matched with 4 guys with the same name...which is weird and something that keeps this superstitious gal weirded out.I guess I'm looking for some reassurance and some motivation to keep at it and/or some folks that might be willing to help process more about it so I can maybe glean some insights from other perspectives.