How to feel secure in a relationship?

I (32F) haven't got much experiences in terms of relationship. Got out of a 9 years LTR (married 2 years, then divorced, no kids, he was my first and vice versa), I left because I was feeling so unmotivated and frankly speaking I felt like I hadn't truly experienced life. I also fell for someone else while being married (didn't cheat - at least not sexually) - and so I took my stuff and moved out, didn't take anything financially.

Then I started seeing this guy I fell for for 4 months, one month in and I said the L word to which he said I love you too (out of courtesy, as I found out much later) but never mentioned it again until he broke up with me because he couldn't commit. For 6 months after I tried really hard to get over him. The relationship wasn't great but I was very much motivated to become a better version of myself, learned how to live independently in a foreign country on my own, became more knowledgeable, making more friends, learned a lot more about how the world works and about myself, my values, etc. Things I would never have done had I stayed with my first ex. And so I felt both guilty and content with my life decision, even though there were really tough times.

Then I opened an OLD account where I met this wonderfully kind and smart guy, and we clicked so well in almost every aspect - personalities (we're both introverts and geeky types, I'm a software developer and he's taking a master degree in computer science), values (family, virtues, we both LOVE dogs), we largely agree on so many political viewpoints (even though many of them are highly controversial), he doesn't smoke, drink, play computer games or has tattoos which are the things I might find unattractive. He's also the best sexual partner I have had so far... So, one month after we met the first time he asked me to be his girlfriend, to which I said yes because I really liked him, even though at that point I wasn't quite sure if I had fell in love. I was very much cautious about falling in love too fast, especially consider what had happened before.

But then he went back to his hometown for a month, going through the loss of his grandfather. I learned more about how much he loves his family, especially his grandparents, I heard him crying on the phone when he told me the news of his grandfather being hospitalized. That was the moment I realized that I irrevocably fell in love with this man.

We're 3 months in the relationship now, and I couldn't help it so I told him I was falling in love with him, and he said the same. But then, no more mention of it, I can feel he's not ready, he thinks it's too early to tell. On the outside I try to be as chill about it as possible, never appear to be needy, never ask for anything more than he can offer, never get angry or upset. One time we had sex and the condom broke, he freaked out even though I assured him I was in the "safe" period of my cycle - but I did what he politely asked me to do as precautions anyways - I went to wash up, and went to buy the morning after pill and took it, even though I don't like pills in general. He has a short internship in Switzerland so he's there for 2 weeks, and originally we planned to travel together there for another week before coming back home, but he ended up aborting it because he couldn't afford it as a student (I said I can pay for eveything since I have a full time job and lots of savings, but I understood he doesn't like the idea of sugar mama). So here I am sitting at home dreaming about Switzerland and feeling a bit lonely and jealous while he's there (just working).

I feel like I am always going out of my way for the person I love. I enjoy giving and the older I get the more tolerant I become when it comes to people changing their mind or not meeting my expectations or not giving me what I want. Not that I don't get upset or bothered by it, I just never let it show. Deep down I always feel this insecurity that, like the previous guy, he might someday realize that it's just an infatuation and that I'm not the one he wants. I never felt this in my first relationship, because my ex said very early on that he loved me - and apparently that was one of the things that gave me security.

But I have also learned so much more about human nature now compared to 10 years ago. That love can be a fleeting feeling. That even when you think all the stars in the universe are aligned with you, there's still this possibility that one morning you wake up and you're left alone, heart broken. I have been the one who left and the one who was left behind. In both cases nothing explosive happened, no big fights, no major life-altering events, love just fizzled out and died. I can't say I really believe in love after all that.

Yet here I am, on the precarious perch of falling so madly deeply in love again. And I am truly afraid, knowing I can't help it and also can't do anything if the worst happens. Every time I fall in love, I keep thinking I will never find someone quite like this person again. I keep putting them on a pedestal and try to please and to be liked. I really don't know what I can do, maybe it's just a change in mindset I need to tweak? Or should I detach myself, or play some kind of game, or be more demanding?

I'm sorry for the long post. If you make it here, I truly appreciate it.

Submitted July 25, 2020 at 08:25PM

I (32F) haven't got much experiences in terms of relationship. Got out of a 9 years LTR (married 2 years, then divorced, no kids, he was my first and vice versa), I left because I was feeling so unmotivated and frankly speaking I felt like I hadn't truly experienced life. I also fell for someone else while being married (didn't cheat - at least not sexually) - and so I took my stuff and moved out, didn't take anything financially.Then I started seeing this guy I fell for for 4 months, one month in and I said the L word to which he said I love you too (out of courtesy, as I found out much later) but never mentioned it again until he broke up with me because he couldn't commit. For 6 months after I tried really hard to get over him. The relationship wasn't great but I was very much motivated to become a better version of myself, learned how to live independently in a foreign country on my own, became more knowledgeable, making more friends, learned a lot more about how the world works and about myself, my values, etc. Things I would never have done had I stayed with my first ex. And so I felt both guilty and content with my life decision, even though there were really tough times.Then I opened an OLD account where I met this wonderfully kind and smart guy, and we clicked so well in almost every aspect - personalities (we're both introverts and geeky types, I'm a software developer and he's taking a master degree in computer science), values (family, virtues, we both LOVE dogs), we largely agree on so many political viewpoints (even though many of them are highly controversial), he doesn't smoke, drink, play computer games or has tattoos which are the things I might find unattractive. He's also the best sexual partner I have had so far... So, one month after we met the first time he asked me to be his girlfriend, to which I said yes because I really liked him, even though at that point I wasn't quite sure if I had fell in love. I was very much cautious about falling in love too fast, especially consider what had happened before.But then he went back to his hometown for a month, going through the loss of his grandfather. I learned more about how much he loves his family, especially his grandparents, I heard him crying on the phone when he told me the news of his grandfather being hospitalized. That was the moment I realized that I irrevocably fell in love with this man.We're 3 months in the relationship now, and I couldn't help it so I told him I was falling in love with him, and he said the same. But then, no more mention of it, I can feel he's not ready, he thinks it's too early to tell. On the outside I try to be as chill about it as possible, never appear to be needy, never ask for anything more than he can offer, never get angry or upset. One time we had sex and the condom broke, he freaked out even though I assured him I was in the "safe" period of my cycle - but I did what he politely asked me to do as precautions anyways - I went to wash up, and went to buy the morning after pill and took it, even though I don't like pills in general. He has a short internship in Switzerland so he's there for 2 weeks, and originally we planned to travel together there for another week before coming back home, but he ended up aborting it because he couldn't afford it as a student (I said I can pay for eveything since I have a full time job and lots of savings, but I understood he doesn't like the idea of sugar mama). So here I am sitting at home dreaming about Switzerland and feeling a bit lonely and jealous while he's there (just working).I feel like I am always going out of my way for the person I love. I enjoy giving and the older I get the more tolerant I become when it comes to people changing their mind or not meeting my expectations or not giving me what I want. Not that I don't get upset or bothered by it, I just never let it show. Deep down I always feel this insecurity that, like the previous guy, he might someday realize that it's just an infatuation and that I'm not the one he wants. I never felt this in my first relationship, because my ex said very early on that he loved me - and apparently that was one of the things that gave me security.But I have also learned so much more about human nature now compared to 10 years ago. That love can be a fleeting feeling. That even when you think all the stars in the universe are aligned with you, there's still this possibility that one morning you wake up and you're left alone, heart broken. I have been the one who left and the one who was left behind. In both cases nothing explosive happened, no big fights, no major life-altering events, love just fizzled out and died. I can't say I really believe in love after all that.Yet here I am, on the precarious perch of falling so madly deeply in love again. And I am truly afraid, knowing I can't help it and also can't do anything if the worst happens. Every time I fall in love, I keep thinking I will never find someone quite like this person again. I keep putting them on a pedestal and try to please and to be liked. I really don't know what I can do, maybe it's just a change in mindset I need to tweak? Or should I detach myself, or play some kind of game, or be more demanding?I'm sorry for the long post. If you make it here, I truly appreciate it.