How can I fix our communication: my husband is incredibly critical, and I think I'm taking it too personally

I want to preface this by saying I'm sorry that this is so long-- it's probably more of a validation-seeking rant, but I've brought this up a million times with my husband and it always falls on deaf ears (or rather "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was doing it", and no conscious effort to make a change-- he is not big on "self-development" to the point where he doesn't see the value in a therapist or even an executive coach). I also want to be clear that I use all the "I feel" statements that my therapist recommends and that I read about in all the marriage/relationship books.

Very often, I feel incredibly micromanaged and controlled and inadequate when my husband criticizes me, even if he thinks it's constructive. I always clean the kitchen and the dishes. He verrrry rarely cleans up after himself when he cooks, and yet, after I clean the dishes he'll come back and say they're not clean enough. Sometimes he's right, especially when I've had a massive pile of his tupperware and plates from meal prepping, but sometimes it seems like white-gloving. I did the whole "if you don't like how I do it, you do it!" and it just... didn't work. Then, I got us a magnificent $750 dishwasher. And now he doesn't like the way I use it: for example, he doesn't like putting the Tupperware in the dishwasher because the dry cycle doesn't fully dry them and then I have to hand dry them (not him, he rarely empties the dishwasher, of course, lol).

I also get a lot of snarky comments about sweeping the house. Keep in mind, we both have pretty demanding full time jobs-- we actually have the same job, in different departments. Because of the nature of my job, we've had to shut down a lot of operations for COVID so I partially WFH (aka, I still have to go in and out for work but our main headquarters is shut down so I have even more time wasted commuting), while he still commutes. When I'm at home and I have a lull, I'll do the laundry, sweep, or whatever day to day house maintenance. When he's at work and has a lull, he'll go workout or get lunch (never groceries, though). I leave all the big cleaning for Saturdays because that's how we've always done it. Last Saturday, he starts sweeping and he goes "Wow! Whoever swept last time really didn't get anything, there's so much dust and sand"-- mind you, it's just me and my husband. I commented on that and he did the whole "I'm just teasing! Maybe you're right, this is how dirty it gets in one week." And then this past Saturday, sweeping again, he goes "Wow! I am barely home and somehow the house gets so dirty again!" I snapped back at him this time and he just says "You just think everything is directed at you!"

We're very involved in remodeling our home, but he has to micromanage everything to the point where it's just such a mental drain for me to be a part of it and I feel like crying (I'll admit, I'm a little sensitive). If I paint the walls I'm "just slapping it on" and he gets frustrated, if I am hanging cabinets and I go get a different, more secure bracket, he snaps at me and refuses to listen to my justification and gets moody about it. Twice I've picked out a color for one of the rooms, asked him repeatedly if he is ok with it, painted the whole room, and then he says he doesn't like it. I bought brand new sheets and quilts for our bed, he didn't like the way they felt, so I got new ones, and he didn't like the way they looked (and yes, I asked him before I got them and no, I don't think I should even have to ask him for something that minor). I have to run laundry detergents, superglue brands, towel purchases, peanut butter brands by him if I want some peace. He doesn't express his opinion with "Next time, can you get the X type of Y? I didn't know when I asked you to get it before, but after using this one, I don't like it as much." Instead, he just starts acting huffy and then says things like "god these sheets are awful!" I take it personally-- but maybe I shouldn't?

He also is weirdly critical of my body. Not that I should have to justify it, but both of us are in very good shape, look the same as we did when we were college athletes, and eat well and workout together. He is, of course, a young guy and naturally has a little more wiggle room with what he eats than I do. I have always been pretty meticulous about what I eat, and he probably grabs fast food burritos or sushi (the cheap kind with tons of sugar and mayonnaise) two or three times a week, which is all totally cool because he always eats anything I make for him and loves it. I always whistle at him jokingly and tell him how good he looks, which he loves. He rarely does that to me, which doesn't bother me a ton. BUT, for years, if I ever comment on some kind of dissatisfaction of my body, he always responds with a "helpful tip" like maybe go low-carb to drop some bloat or do XY&Z to develop this muscle group or something -- which, I'm gonna be honest, I don't really need his advice on. I communicated this to him (that I know enough about nutrition and athletics to know how to get where I want, I don't really need his help, I have a coach, etc..) and he still doesn't get it. I've even come out and said "I just want you to tell me I look good, even if it's a lie!" and he says he gets it, but then never follows through. Yesterday, I made a comment about "you're so lean! How can I get that skinny?!" because he's been cutting weight right now. It was also (what I thought) an obvious joke, because I have an underweight BMI and building muscle right now. He responded with "I think I'm just more dedicated than you are with eating." Which is objectively insane-- I eat things like spinach soup and whitefish while he eats three hamburgers. I brought this up thirty minutes later, while we were on a run together and I had calmed down, and he just responded with "I'm more dedicated than I used to be" and just ran off ahead of me.

His response if I ever get upset is that I'm too sensitive, he grew up in a family where they all tease each other (by the way, so did I, but I don't pull his hair and call him a stupidhead like I did to my sisters). I know I have my own issues of being too sensitive, I am at a place in my life where I am doing well at work and get a lot of praise (but I also make mistakes, I get frequently constructive criticism, and I am a lot younger than many of them so I am used to getting talked down to when I first encounter someone).

What is the move here? How can I get through to him? I use everything from Gottman Institute workshops to classic business negotiation to early childhood development strategies, and it still feels like I can't make myself heard or empower myself in our relationship, and it worries me because I feel that I am starting to get overly fixated on this.

Submitted June 08, 2020 at 11:50PM

I want to preface this by saying I'm sorry that this is so long-- it's probably more of a validation-seeking rant, but I've brought this up a million times with my husband and it always falls on deaf ears (or rather "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was doing it", and no conscious effort to make a change-- he is not big on "self-development" to the point where he doesn't see the value in a therapist or even an executive coach). I also want to be clear that I use all the "I feel" statements that my therapist recommends and that I read about in all the marriage/relationship books.Very often, I feel incredibly micromanaged and controlled and inadequate when my husband criticizes me, even if he thinks it's constructive. I always clean the kitchen and the dishes. He verrrry rarely cleans up after himself when he cooks, and yet, after I clean the dishes he'll come back and say they're not clean enough. Sometimes he's right, especially when I've had a massive pile of his tupperware and plates from meal prepping, but sometimes it seems like white-gloving. I did the whole "if you don't like how I do it, you do it!" and it just... didn't work. Then, I got us a magnificent $750 dishwasher. And now he doesn't like the way I use it: for example, he doesn't like putting the Tupperware in the dishwasher because the dry cycle doesn't fully dry them and then I have to hand dry them (not him, he rarely empties the dishwasher, of course, lol).I also get a lot of snarky comments about sweeping the house. Keep in mind, we both have pretty demanding full time jobs-- we actually have the same job, in different departments. Because of the nature of my job, we've had to shut down a lot of operations for COVID so I partially WFH (aka, I still have to go in and out for work but our main headquarters is shut down so I have even more time wasted commuting), while he still commutes. When I'm at home and I have a lull, I'll do the laundry, sweep, or whatever day to day house maintenance. When he's at work and has a lull, he'll go workout or get lunch (never groceries, though). I leave all the big cleaning for Saturdays because that's how we've always done it. Last Saturday, he starts sweeping and he goes "Wow! Whoever swept last time really didn't get anything, there's so much dust and sand"-- mind you, it's just me and my husband. I commented on that and he did the whole "I'm just teasing! Maybe you're right, this is how dirty it gets in one week." And then this past Saturday, sweeping again, he goes "Wow! I am barely home and somehow the house gets so dirty again!" I snapped back at him this time and he just says "You just think everything is directed at you!"We're very involved in remodeling our home, but he has to micromanage everything to the point where it's just such a mental drain for me to be a part of it and I feel like crying (I'll admit, I'm a little sensitive). If I paint the walls I'm "just slapping it on" and he gets frustrated, if I am hanging cabinets and I go get a different, more secure bracket, he snaps at me and refuses to listen to my justification and gets moody about it. Twice I've picked out a color for one of the rooms, asked him repeatedly if he is ok with it, painted the whole room, and then he says he doesn't like it. I bought brand new sheets and quilts for our bed, he didn't like the way they felt, so I got new ones, and he didn't like the way they looked (and yes, I asked him before I got them and no, I don't think I should even have to ask him for something that minor). I have to run laundry detergents, superglue brands, towel purchases, peanut butter brands by him if I want some peace. He doesn't express his opinion with "Next time, can you get the X type of Y? I didn't know when I asked you to get it before, but after using this one, I don't like it as much." Instead, he just starts acting huffy and then says things like "god these sheets are awful!" I take it personally-- but maybe I shouldn't?He also is weirdly critical of my body. Not that I should have to justify it, but both of us are in very good shape, look the same as we did when we were college athletes, and eat well and workout together. He is, of course, a young guy and naturally has a little more wiggle room with what he eats than I do. I have always been pretty meticulous about what I eat, and he probably grabs fast food burritos or sushi (the cheap kind with tons of sugar and mayonnaise) two or three times a week, which is all totally cool because he always eats anything I make for him and loves it. I always whistle at him jokingly and tell him how good he looks, which he loves. He rarely does that to me, which doesn't bother me a ton. BUT, for years, if I ever comment on some kind of dissatisfaction of my body, he always responds with a "helpful tip" like maybe go low-carb to drop some bloat or do XY&Z to develop this muscle group or something -- which, I'm gonna be honest, I don't really need his advice on. I communicated this to him (that I know enough about nutrition and athletics to know how to get where I want, I don't really need his help, I have a coach, etc..) and he still doesn't get it. I've even come out and said "I just want you to tell me I look good, even if it's a lie!" and he says he gets it, but then never follows through. Yesterday, I made a comment about "you're so lean! How can I get that skinny?!" because he's been cutting weight right now. It was also (what I thought) an obvious joke, because I have an underweight BMI and building muscle right now. He responded with "I think I'm just more dedicated than you are with eating." Which is objectively insane-- I eat things like spinach soup and whitefish while he eats three hamburgers. I brought this up thirty minutes later, while we were on a run together and I had calmed down, and he just responded with "I'm more dedicated than I used to be" and just ran off ahead of me.His response if I ever get upset is that I'm too sensitive, he grew up in a family where they all tease each other (by the way, so did I, but I don't pull his hair and call him a stupidhead like I did to my sisters). I know I have my own issues of being too sensitive, I am at a place in my life where I am doing well at work and get a lot of praise (but I also make mistakes, I get frequently constructive criticism, and I am a lot younger than many of them so I am used to getting talked down to when I first encounter someone).What is the move here? How can I get through to him? I use everything from Gottman Institute workshops to classic business negotiation to early childhood development strategies, and it still feels like I can't make myself heard or empower myself in our relationship, and it worries me because I feel that I am starting to get overly fixated on this.