/u/Lunaarz on Curious about female aces in happy relationships with men?

I am a 22 yr. old female in a 5 year relationship with a allo man (22 yr old.). We started dating before I realized I was asexual.

It has been rocky. When we first started dating I was enthusiastic to try all different kinds of sex (first sexual relationship). However, once the newness wore off, and my realization that sex wasn't all that is was made out to be, we started having relationship problems.

I pretended to enjoy sex for a while, and he was incredibly upset when I was honest about it with him. It destroyed his masculinity. We started to have semi-regular arguments over my sexuality for another 3 years, and a cycle of hoping I could "fake it till I make it" and then being honest and having him completely melt down ensued. I was afraid to tell him because I knew he would be upset for lying to him and I didn't want to lose him over it. I hated hiding from him because the guilt just ate me up inside.

Once I finally figured out that I was asexual things have improved dramatically. I talked to him about it and he was incredibly supportive (and a little bit relieved I think). We've been trying some new things to compromise in our relationship and overall it's worked out for us. One of our biggest challenges was that he would feel shitty because he felt like he was using me, and it was hard for him to cope with that even though I don't mind it at all (Comfortableness with "being used" varies greatly by person). I actually tolerate our sexual activities much more now because I don't feel pressured to give him a response.

Now we have something of a regular schedule set in advance, so that we both know when sex is on the table. Outside of that he never pressures me for sex, and it makes me very happy. He is less frustrated too because now he doesn't have instances where his sexual advances constantly get turned away.

I feel comfortable saying that we are in a very happy relationship again. It's definitely possible, but not easy. Honesty and communication about needs and boundaries is incredibly important, and this goes both ways. Be clear about what satisfies you in a relationship and what isn't important, but also be receptive and respectful of his needs too.





December 05, 2019 at 12:06AM
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