Finding Love Without Feeling It??

Let me give some background to help explain my problem: I am a M20 who has been dating since he was about 15. Shortly before that I had no interest in relationships or sex at all, I was very solitary aside from one or two friends, and people I engaged with for work (illegal/criminal activity). I had also undergone a lot of emotional/psychological, physical and sexual trauma before this, essentially as far back I can remember to around 17-18 years old. My whole life and even before (considering mental illness runs heavily throughout my family) had essentially led me to the diagnoses of ASPD and NPD (and inattentive ADD, but it’s hard to determine whether your boredom and inability to focus is based off your shallow affect and general disregard or that you just can’t focus; they compliment each other negatively). The diagnoses don’t matter as much as the actual symptoms however. This essentially means that relationships will always be different for me than many people, and I don’t really form the same kinds of attachments; even my self identity is rapidly changing. Especially not for the same reasons. As with any (severe) mental illness, I have also caused a lot of problems in relationships but have stabilized in that regard for the most part. I do lie and manipulate, but its importance is negligible since it’s never of anything important just minor, impulsive things. She did say however that regardless of who/what/where/why, that those acts were equally harmful and incorrigible.

My main problems are the lack of empathy, blunted affect, and impulsivity. I’ve been in 37 relationships so far and at first I was horrible (and so were they in many), but eventually I began to enjoy the relationships (the attention and praise I received especially in the honeymoon phase satisfied the narc supply that helped support my self identity) so I focused on trying to make them last as long as possible. I say all the right things, acted the right ways, almost have it done to perfection. But most of my relationships don’t last more than 1-3 months. One lasted 4 years approximately, but there were some gaps in that time here and there. That’s the only girl I thought I may have actually loved but earlier this year I was disillusioned by that as well, which was quite disappointing. I wish she stayed gone honestly, because at least I would have the hope of those feelings. However I’m usually told that I’m either too much (problems, stress, general chaos, extroversion, anything extreme) or that I’m too empty/blank/emotionless (in a way similar to Ex Machina, which is why I was given the name Robot). I try everything to make it seem like I care, sometimes to levels others might find too stressful. But any form of feeling including stress or risk doesn’t really bother me, it just kind helps with the boredom a little which is usually never something I’d give up on— even if I knew that it would only help for a single second. It seems to work too well in the beginning and not at all after that. In fact, most things seem to work when I cross some boundary and eventually I have to go to the next extreme. At this point I just handle some of the most dangerous animals, like the Coral Cobras or even Phoneutria fera (Brazilian Wandering Spider); or allowing yourself to just nap right not the edge of one of those buildings.

Now immediately after the break ups I find myself not caring that I left or the other left, I hold nothing against them unless there was something I could take as a personal attack (usually known as narcissistic injury), in which case results are never too pretty for any involved including myself. It’s very easy for me to move on, I have generally been able to attract people very easy. Not to mention I’m still friends with most of my exes and this can (and has happened) cause the more recent ex or. new SO to get mad or jealous or act out, Generally resulting in me losing another person (I have personally done what I just described, though for different reasons, and the more extreme examples unfortunately could’ve just been solved ), but I do still get jealous which I assume is just my brain goin “No they’re mine still! Stop.”. It’s not to the point where they’re calling the police one me for anything.

I have been thinking about my life and what I plan to do about this, and I’m really not sure. Honestly I guess you can say I’ve been rather depressed today (my last break up was yesterday, and I did it because we need to get and stay sober on our own first before jumping back into something together) as I’ve been dealing with, again, boredom and I’ve also been thinking about how alone and separate I really am from everyone else. I really don’t want to die as much as I think life is pointless and overwhelmingly boring, but it doesn’t look like that situation would be improving for me, ever. It’s not your normal, passive boredom. It’s hot and overwhelming to the point where you get that violent frustration in your chest; I’ve don’t things that very well should’ve killed me or at least could’ve (exempli gratis, freeholding dangerously venomous animals or robbing people I know for a fact are armed and ready to fight with nothing to lose, doing hard drugs or body mutilation, ironically happens to be a rather minor example), and having someone around who you trust and doesn’t immediately annoy me gives a sense of normalcy regardless of whether you’re putting on an act or not. The best thing I can describe it to is like having a pet reptile, say... a snake or moderately sized lizard. Since they’re not usually aggressive and are fairly inactive. They may be held, pet, etc. The owner gets emotional benefits and the animal gets survival benefits. But I’ve tried lying about my intentions for the relationship and I’ve tried being honest. Neither helps to make it easier to accept and somehow they figure that being honest is the beast default. I feel nothing for them in all reality this last one, she claimed she was also diagnosed with ASPD (not true, but supposedly bipolar?) and felt nothing for most people, but it still ended with her being shocked at my apathy.

But if I am putting in effort than what does it matter how I actually feel? Isn’t mimicking love just as satisfying? Is there a way I can have a successful life? Feel love? What would that even feel like? How much should I inform my companions about my situation? Honestly, as much advice you guys can give would help and Ive played a lot of different roles in my relationships. I’m really losing hope that I will be able to successfully hold a relationship and that I’ll have to remain alone with such a despairing emptiness. If there’s no pleasure (or any kind of feeling, I would be willing work with anything) and nothing to look forward to, I’m not sure what the point is. I hope suffering isn’t the only thing left i existence.

Submitted July 09, 2019 at 11:59PM

Let me give some background to help explain my problem: I am a M20 who has been dating since he was about 15. Shortly before that I had no interest in relationships or sex at all, I was very solitary aside from one or two friends, and people I engaged with for work (illegal/criminal activity). I had also undergone a lot of emotional/psychological, physical and sexual trauma before this, essentially as far back I can remember to around 17-18 years old. My whole life and even before (considering mental illness runs heavily throughout my family) had essentially led me to the diagnoses of ASPD and NPD (and inattentive ADD, but it’s hard to determine whether your boredom and inability to focus is based off your shallow affect and general disregard or that you just can’t focus; they compliment each other negatively). The diagnoses don’t matter as much as the actual symptoms however. This essentially means that relationships will always be different for me than many people, and I don’t really form the same kinds of attachments; even my self identity is rapidly changing. Especially not for the same reasons. As with any (severe) mental illness, I have also caused a lot of problems in relationships but have stabilized in that regard for the most part. I do lie and manipulate, but its importance is negligible since it’s never of anything important just minor, impulsive things. She did say however that regardless of who/what/where/why, that those acts were equally harmful and incorrigible.My main problems are the lack of empathy, blunted affect, and impulsivity. I’ve been in 37 relationships so far and at first I was horrible (and so were they in many), but eventually I began to enjoy the relationships (the attention and praise I received especially in the honeymoon phase satisfied the narc supply that helped support my self identity) so I focused on trying to make them last as long as possible. I say all the right things, acted the right ways, almost have it done to perfection. But most of my relationships don’t last more than 1-3 months. One lasted 4 years approximately, but there were some gaps in that time here and there. That’s the only girl I thought I may have actually loved but earlier this year I was disillusioned by that as well, which was quite disappointing. I wish she stayed gone honestly, because at least I would have the hope of those feelings. However I’m usually told that I’m either too much (problems, stress, general chaos, extroversion, anything extreme) or that I’m too empty/blank/emotionless (in a way similar to Ex Machina, which is why I was given the name Robot). I try everything to make it seem like I care, sometimes to levels others might find too stressful. But any form of feeling including stress or risk doesn’t really bother me, it just kind helps with the boredom a little which is usually never something I’d give up on— even if I knew that it would only help for a single second. It seems to work too well in the beginning and not at all after that. In fact, most things seem to work when I cross some boundary and eventually I have to go to the next extreme. At this point I just handle some of the most dangerous animals, like the Coral Cobras or even Phoneutria fera (Brazilian Wandering Spider); or allowing yourself to just nap right not the edge of one of those buildings.Now immediately after the break ups I find myself not caring that I left or the other left, I hold nothing against them unless there was something I could take as a personal attack (usually known as narcissistic injury), in which case results are never too pretty for any involved including myself. It’s very easy for me to move on, I have generally been able to attract people very easy. Not to mention I’m still friends with most of my exes and this can (and has happened) cause the more recent ex or. new SO to get mad or jealous or act out, Generally resulting in me losing another person (I have personally done what I just described, though for different reasons, and the more extreme examples unfortunately could’ve just been solved ), but I do still get jealous which I assume is just my brain goin “No they’re mine still! Stop.”. It’s not to the point where they’re calling the police one me for anything.I have been thinking about my life and what I plan to do about this, and I’m really not sure. Honestly I guess you can say I’ve been rather depressed today (my last break up was yesterday, and I did it because we need to get and stay sober on our own first before jumping back into something together) as I’ve been dealing with, again, boredom and I’ve also been thinking about how alone and separate I really am from everyone else. I really don’t want to die as much as I think life is pointless and overwhelmingly boring, but it doesn’t look like that situation would be improving for me, ever. It’s not your normal, passive boredom. It’s hot and overwhelming to the point where you get that violent frustration in your chest; I’ve don’t things that very well should’ve killed me or at least could’ve (exempli gratis, freeholding dangerously venomous animals or robbing people I know for a fact are armed and ready to fight with nothing to lose, doing hard drugs or body mutilation, ironically happens to be a rather minor example), and having someone around who you trust and doesn’t immediately annoy me gives a sense of normalcy regardless of whether you’re putting on an act or not. The best thing I can describe it to is like having a pet reptile, say... a snake or moderately sized lizard. Since they’re not usually aggressive and are fairly inactive. They may be held, pet, etc. The owner gets emotional benefits and the animal gets survival benefits. But I’ve tried lying about my intentions for the relationship and I’ve tried being honest. Neither helps to make it easier to accept and somehow they figure that being honest is the beast default. I feel nothing for them in all reality this last one, she claimed she was also diagnosed with ASPD (not true, but supposedly bipolar?) and felt nothing for most people, but it still ended with her being shocked at my apathy.But if I am putting in effort than what does it matter how I actually feel? Isn’t mimicking love just as satisfying? Is there a way I can have a successful life? Feel love? What would that even feel like? How much should I inform my companions about my situation? Honestly, as much advice you guys can give would help and Ive played a lot of different roles in my relationships. I’m really losing hope that I will be able to successfully hold a relationship and that I’ll have to remain alone with such a despairing emptiness. If there’s no pleasure (or any kind of feeling, I would be willing work with anything) and nothing to look forward to, I’m not sure what the point is. I hope suffering isn’t the only thing left i existence.