As a chronically sick person, what are reasonable expectations I should set for partners?

I (24F) have chronic headaches. They run in my family. I get about 2-3 per week, and the pain ranges from “I can still work through it but it sucks” to “I just want to sit and do nothing until this goes away.” Anything and everything can trigger headaches, so it doesn’t matter how hydrated and healthy I may be - something as petty as smelly air can trigger a headache. It’s largely out of my control but I take medicines to try to deal with it case by case.

My current boyfriend (24M) seems to have issues with this. We’ve been seeing each other pretty casually (albeit, monogamously) for about 7 months now. Sometimes when we’re together I get one of my headaches, and I just want to sit and do nothing with him while I’m dealing with the pain. I can always feel the tension while he’s sitting with me, like he could be having more fun elsewhere but is stuck with me in order to do the right thing. It makes me feel like it’s my fault and I’m doing something wrong.

We are leaving for a trip to Iceland tomorrow, and when we booked it several weeks ago, he jokingly said “And no headaches!” I laughed it off at the time, but it didn’t sit well with me. He knows I can’t control when a headache comes on. So now I know I will feel guilty and want to hide it from him if I get a headache in Iceland (which is likely, since we’re spending a whole week there).

So now I’m left wondering, what kinds of expectations should I be setting for partners with my chronic headaches? Should they be expected to care? Or should I be expected to deal with them independently since it’s my problem?

Any help on how to navigate this one would be great. I don’t want to make my partner unhappy because of my headaches, but I don’t have any way to control them.

Submitted July 20, 2019 at 11:56PM

I (24F) have chronic headaches. They run in my family. I get about 2-3 per week, and the pain ranges from “I can still work through it but it sucks” to “I just want to sit and do nothing until this goes away.” Anything and everything can trigger headaches, so it doesn’t matter how hydrated and healthy I may be - something as petty as smelly air can trigger a headache. It’s largely out of my control but I take medicines to try to deal with it case by case.My current boyfriend (24M) seems to have issues with this. We’ve been seeing each other pretty casually (albeit, monogamously) for about 7 months now. Sometimes when we’re together I get one of my headaches, and I just want to sit and do nothing with him while I’m dealing with the pain. I can always feel the tension while he’s sitting with me, like he could be having more fun elsewhere but is stuck with me in order to do the right thing. It makes me feel like it’s my fault and I’m doing something wrong.We are leaving for a trip to Iceland tomorrow, and when we booked it several weeks ago, he jokingly said “And no headaches!” I laughed it off at the time, but it didn’t sit well with me. He knows I can’t control when a headache comes on. So now I know I will feel guilty and want to hide it from him if I get a headache in Iceland (which is likely, since we’re spending a whole week there).So now I’m left wondering, what kinds of expectations should I be setting for partners with my chronic headaches? Should they be expected to care? Or should I be expected to deal with them independently since it’s my problem?Any help on how to navigate this one would be great. I don’t want to make my partner unhappy because of my headaches, but I don’t have any way to control them.