/u/SaveMySelfHarmWife on Which sex is more likely to be asexual?

(Sorry in advance for my long answer!)

The estimate is that 2% of both sexes are some type of asexual.

Where the huge gender difference happens isn't relevant to asexuality. Men on average have a much higher libido than women. It's important to note that there is zero connection between asexuality and libido. Asexuality is an absence of sexual attraction for a partner, while libido is a general impulse to have sex, that isn't connected to a partner.

While this may be confusing, there are some asexuals who have a very high libido, since libido and asexuality are separate. In that case, they love to have sex, but seeing a potential partner has absolutely no effect on them, it's just that they "feel the urge", without a nearby person ever being the cause. For them, a "sexual fantasy" about a certain person doesn't exist (but a generic urge for having a particular intimate activity could exist, just not tied to who it would be with).

Another difference that people don't understand is the gender differences in the causes of sexual attraction. While the vast majority of men are stimulated by what they see, many women, even if they have a high libido, aren't turned on by seeing nudity. Instead, it's all conceptual. They would prefer a Harlequin Romance or similar to read. Actually seeing video or photos of something sexual can be a turn-off for them (which explains why many want the lights turned off during sex, seeing it as "too much information!").

That affects fantasies as well. While a man is imagining nudity in his head, a woman is imagining passion in her head (typically without nudity).

That difference can also be seen when it comes to lingerie. A man likes lingerie, because it's an indication of what will happen next (which has nothing to do with the lingerie, other than it being removed first...). But a woman might instead wear lingerie hidden under her clothing when she goes to work, never meaning for anyone to see it, since for her it's the conceptual fantasy of some adventure that is the interesting part. Many women probably enjoy the fantasy of intimacy more than the actual act.

The final sexual gender difference in what is experienced is what I refer to as "sexual empathy". Keep in mind that women have typically much stronger empathy than men. Some women think they are bisexual, since they are turned on when they see another woman in a sexual situation. But in some cases, the reality is that they experienced those sexual feelings due to their empathy causing them to mirror the sexual attraction and pleasure of the person they are watching, just like happens with any other emotion. Recent research has shown that in some of those cases, it isn't that she's sexually attracted to women, but instead is experiencing those same feelings, vicariously living their moment (she's feeling as if she were than woman, she doesn't want to be with her).

This empathy can also happen to men, but is much less common, since on average they have a much lower level of empathy than women.

Hopefully, that didn't just leave you more confused! ;-)

May 24, 2023 at 12:19AM