/u/chaoticdisastercrow on Does this sound like asexuality? I’m so confused, aha.

I’m pretty young (I’m 19)

Most allos have definitely felt sexual attraction by 19. Most have felt it many times. This doesn't 100% mean you are asexual on its own but 19 is 100% a good age to be like "huh. I haven't felt this thing most people my age have felt by now. Maybe something's up" (as in, maybe you're asexual).

I feel like I’ve never fit into the right category. If I’m straight, Am I more submissive, or dominant? I’ve tried both, but neither felt ‘good’. Afterwards, I was just left feeling mean (if it was a more dominant role), or used, and ashamed (if it was more submissive).

Sounds like sex-repulsed to me. Or sex-averse (still does not 100% mean you're asexual, allos can also be sex-repulsed or sex-averse)

I’ve only ever been with men, but I don’t think, in my head, anyway, I’d be oppose to kissing another woman etc.

Kissing isn't necessarily an indication of sexual attraction as it can also be a part of romantic or sensual attraction but this is a good indication of leaning away from the hetero norm, I guess. Although it sounds to me like you are indifferent to the prospect of kissing women? Which isn't necessarily the same thing as wanting to kiss women. You said "etc.," does that mean you're theoretically open to other stuff as well? (You don't have to answer this and you don't have to get detailed if it makes you at all uncomfortable, of course!)

I don’t really understand what attraction is, if that makes sense.

Totally makes sense! And not understanding something most people seem to find to be an inherent thing that does not need to be explained to them could be an indication of never having felt that thing. I have never felt romantic attraction, have no idea what that would feel like if I had, but I assume I'd know it if I did. Which is a little complicated because I thought I did but it was aesthetic attraction, definitely that and not romantic, so the "you'll know it when (if) you feel it" thing isn't 100% accurate.

Like, I know when someone’s attractive, of course, and I could list attractive people,

I would say this is aesthetic understanding or appreciation, not exactly attraction.

or who I thought is attractive.

There, that's attraction. Specifically aesthetic attraction. When someone asks me who I think is cute or if I think this specific person is cute/hot/pretty/attractive/etc. I sometimes have to be like "in general or specifically to me?" because there's definitely a difference! Seeing that someone is conventionally attractive is not the same thing as being aesthetically attracted to them, but thinking they are aesthetically attractive to you is what makes aesthetic attraction.

But, I can’t say I’d want to have sex with them.

Yep, aesthetic.

Since being young, I don’t think I’ve ever had a real crush, in the sense where I’d want to kiss them etc.

Hm, maybe consider looking into aromanticism as well? Most of what people call "crushes" have more to do with romantic attraction than sexual attraction although it is definitely true that most allos experience both romantic and sexual attraction with their crushes (as well as sensual and aesthetic). Personally, I call my aesthetic attractions crushes because it outwardly presented as that to people, whenever I had an aesthetic crush on someone (always a character) that's what they told me a crush was so that's just what a crush is to me! I'm not going to change it now.

This leads me to think I fall under the asexual umbrella. But at the same time, I don’t think sex is weird or gross or anything; and I’m ‘’turned on’’ from reading erotica (more so than porn).

Not all aces think sex is gross or weird. You might be sex-indifferent, sex-favorable, although it does sound like you are sex-averse to me, in the actual act of doing it, since it sounds like it makes you uncomfortable in practice. You might be sex-positive, then, which is a view of sex in general instead of a view of sex in the personal.

Being able to be turned on from sexual stimuli (visual, mental or tactile or anything else) does not stop someone from being asexual. Asexuals can still feel arousal, asexuals can still have a libido, and they can still masturbate. Not all do. Some don't. But it doesn't make someone not asexual.

Hope this clarified some things. There's plenty of information here, too, and if you have any more questions let me know! (:

April 06, 2023 at 11:25PM