Looking for some advice on how to push through dating app failures

28 Male. I've been off and on dating apps for the past 4 years or so with not a single date under my belt and at this point I know part of the reason why is due to my own self-sabotaging behavior.

The first couple years on dating apps after I broke up with my ex in 2019 were abysmal. No matches, no likes, nothing. I'm pretty average physically, so originally I assumed I was just ugly. But eventually I realized that while I didn't have any off-putting photos on my profiles, the photos I did have were just not good enough. Knowing it would take me a lot of time and effort to get good photos, I put the apps down and didn't even bother trying to date unless I met someone cool in person (which never happened).

During my pause on the apps, I made it a point to capture as many photos of myself doing things as much as I possibly could. I routinely would ask friends and family to take pictures of me. Most of the time, the pictures they took never ended up being usable, but I managed to curate a good handful and began using those on my profiles. Unfortunately, my experience ended up being the same. So I figured I needed even better pictures. Took more time off, got more photos, changed my profiles around, worked on my bios, etc. After some more effort, I've now gotten to a point where there's literally nothing else I can do to improve my profiles. I have reached my ceiling. Unless I get plastic surgery, become extremely rich, or pick up a bunch of hobbies I don't like to take more pictures doing shit that might impress women, I have certainly optimized my profiles as much as I possibly can without completely faking who I am as a person.

Fortunately, that effort has started to pay dividends... Sort of. My likes and matches have both gone up (still not amazing, but at this point I know this is as good as it will get for me), but I still haven't managed to get any dates. This past year or so, I've managed to match with like, I don't know, maybe 6 women total that I was really attracted to. My matches are still few and far between, so usually when I have a match, it's one woman at a time. I've tried to be in situations where I have multiple women I can talk to at once, but it's just not possible for me. Each of these matches have either stopped replying after 1-2 messages (or they stop responding and will message me again like months later which seemingly meant they got a better match which ultimately fell through), immediately unmatched, or straight up deleted their profile after we had been talking/planning a potential date. I've tried different communication styles, different types of messages, and varying levels of engagement and interest in my conversations so I don't seem too needy or not interested enough, but it seems like no matter what I did, there was no way to get a date.

Now I'm at a point where, if I get a match, I just don't have it in me to start a conversation because it feels pointless. I just assume I will be left on read or unmatched due to the complete lack of interest I've received from literally any match I've had. I've started to feel like I'm living in some kind of sick joke of a simulation where women are out to get me by fucking me over on dating apps. The pain of initially being excited to finally get a decent match just me to realize the match was probably a mistake has become unbearable for me that I no longer have it in me to even try to converse with any matches I get. I had one girl match with me a few weeks ago and she asked me for coffee within the first like 2 messages, so I was immediately like holy shit, finally a girl has shown legitimate intensest in me. But then when I get back to her and agree to a date, I get unmatched! And to make matters worse, I have to swipe for hours on end and send tons and tons of likes over the span of days to maybe just get one match. So after putting in that effort, and even more effort in trying to message these women just to be ignored, makes it feel all worthless.

I'm now at a point where I might get spend an hour or so a day swiping, check the app every so often, notice I have a match, but then based on my past experiences, I ignore the match and stop using the app for a while before I rinse and repeat. I've basically lost any and all confidence. Wondering how I can get over this and push through with some of these new matches so I can actually get a fucking date! I just don't have the courage to deal with the inevitable pain anymore.

Submitted April 03, 2023 at 01:15AM

28 Male. I've been off and on dating apps for the past 4 years or so with not a single date under my belt and at this point I know part of the reason why is due to my own self-sabotaging behavior.The first couple years on dating apps after I broke up with my ex in 2019 were abysmal. No matches, no likes, nothing. I'm pretty average physically, so originally I assumed I was just ugly. But eventually I realized that while I didn't have any off-putting photos on my profiles, the photos I did have were just not good enough. Knowing it would take me a lot of time and effort to get good photos, I put the apps down and didn't even bother trying to date unless I met someone cool in person (which never happened).During my pause on the apps, I made it a point to capture as many photos of myself doing things as much as I possibly could. I routinely would ask friends and family to take pictures of me. Most of the time, the pictures they took never ended up being usable, but I managed to curate a good handful and began using those on my profiles. Unfortunately, my experience ended up being the same. So I figured I needed even better pictures. Took more time off, got more photos, changed my profiles around, worked on my bios, etc. After some more effort, I've now gotten to a point where there's literally nothing else I can do to improve my profiles. I have reached my ceiling. Unless I get plastic surgery, become extremely rich, or pick up a bunch of hobbies I don't like to take more pictures doing shit that might impress women, I have certainly optimized my profiles as much as I possibly can without completely faking who I am as a person.Fortunately, that effort has started to pay dividends... Sort of. My likes and matches have both gone up (still not amazing, but at this point I know this is as good as it will get for me), but I still haven't managed to get any dates. This past year or so, I've managed to match with like, I don't know, maybe 6 women total that I was really attracted to. My matches are still few and far between, so usually when I have a match, it's one woman at a time. I've tried to be in situations where I have multiple women I can talk to at once, but it's just not possible for me. Each of these matches have either stopped replying after 1-2 messages (or they stop responding and will message me again like months later which seemingly meant they got a better match which ultimately fell through), immediately unmatched, or straight up deleted their profile after we had been talking/planning a potential date. I've tried different communication styles, different types of messages, and varying levels of engagement and interest in my conversations so I don't seem too needy or not interested enough, but it seems like no matter what I did, there was no way to get a date.Now I'm at a point where, if I get a match, I just don't have it in me to start a conversation because it feels pointless. I just assume I will be left on read or unmatched due to the complete lack of interest I've received from literally any match I've had. I've started to feel like I'm living in some kind of sick joke of a simulation where women are out to get me by fucking me over on dating apps. The pain of initially being excited to finally get a decent match just me to realize the match was probably a mistake has become unbearable for me that I no longer have it in me to even try to converse with any matches I get. I had one girl match with me a few weeks ago and she asked me for coffee within the first like 2 messages, so I was immediately like holy shit, finally a girl has shown legitimate intensest in me. But then when I get back to her and agree to a date, I get unmatched! And to make matters worse, I have to swipe for hours on end and send tons and tons of likes over the span of days to maybe just get one match. So after putting in that effort, and even more effort in trying to message these women just to be ignored, makes it feel all worthless.I'm now at a point where I might get spend an hour or so a day swiping, check the app every so often, notice I have a match, but then based on my past experiences, I ignore the match and stop using the app for a while before I rinse and repeat. I've basically lost any and all confidence. Wondering how I can get over this and push through with some of these new matches so I can actually get a fucking date! I just don't have the courage to deal with the inevitable pain anymore.