I feel like Im always second choice - Could someone analyze what's wrong with me based on my experiences?

I 29f did not date at all really in my teens and early 20s. I was super shy and only recently have become comfortable with male attention and dating. To this day have never had a boyfriend. I realize most ppl do not want to read a saga so feel free to move along.
I did have one "partner" at the end of college. We met and I really fell for him. He love bombed me and made me feel he really cared for me too, he even offered for me to move in if I needed to at some point. But ultimately he was playing me and sleeping with several girls the whole time. I ended it with him and he was bitter and wouldn't give my stuff back. Years later, we reconnected. I was stupidly convinced he may have matured. He asked me to come out to visit him. We started seeing eachother on and off at long distance but he always told me he likes me but made an excuse to not get in a relationship. He had multiple girlfriends throughout those years. I was in love with him but ultimately had to accept he just didnt like me and also had no remorse for how he would discard me and come back and talk me into seeing eachother again through months of phone calls and trust rebuilding each time. In the end, he told me we have great sexual chemistry but he feels we annoy eachother and don't get along. He also said the main reason is that he wanted someone he could control and I wouldnt give into things like dressing a certain way for him. He was a bit of a narcissist so it was for the best. I know I acted really naive and stupid throughout all this. It was my first "relationship". He was never my boyfriend and all it did was damage my self esteem, because he seemed to want to date everyone but me,. I have him blocked now, as he would circle back forever if I let it happen, using me as some type of in between person.

After this I did not date for years. The rest of my experiences that follow, happened in the last year:

Maybe a couple first dates off hinge but nothing that panned out. Good experiences to have with normal people unlike my first guy who was so toxic and extreme. Eventually this summer, I met a fun guy we went on a couple dates but he really pushed for sex too soon. I didn't give in but there was some physical contact and making out. Once he realized I wouldnt sleep w him on date 2 he ghosted me. Then he circled back a month later saying he got back with his ex but it didnt work out so can we see eachother again? I said no.

Couple months later in the fall, I met another guy off hinge. He was quite a bit older, seemed mature, good listener, seemed to care, went out his way to see me. He was recently out of a serious relationship where they lived together I asked if he was ready for something new and he reassured me he was ready. We had a few dates then slept together. I even made the mistake of telling him about my toxic "ex" the first guy. And basically how horribly I let myself be treated. After the sex he stopped contacting me then when I texted him he said hes just not ready yet for a relationship but we can see how things progress bc he likes me. we saw eachother once more, slept together again and it wasnt even good. I pretty much gave up on him. Then he contacted me about one more date and I said no, youre too inconsistent and its a weird vibe. A week later he was in a new relationship, with a girl he had clearly been juggling me and her the whole time. She looked similar to me which was even weirder. Just fully made me feel like a second choice which was hurtful.

Finally, months later in the winter I went on 6 dates with a really nice guy from hinge, 1 year older, good job, good values, patient, polite, responsible. We slept together and it was different, I could tell he wasnt in it for just sex and wanted to care for me. He wanted to hang out pretty much every day, unlike the last guy who saw me so sporadically which I should have realized meant he was seeing someone else. So anyway, this new guy was all in it seemed. But the chemistry just wasnt there. We had deep talks about family. values, past issues with family. He didnt seem to want to talk much of relationships tho and why he broke up w his ex, and he didnt wanna ask about mine. It made me feel he was too reserved and serious. He also had no sense of humour. it was hard to end it because he was an amazing guy who I liked, but I want to fall in love. and it just wasnt it. I wanted for his sake for him to find the right fit too and he seemed ready. So I let him go.

Since then I stopped online dating. But every guy I meet at a bar, through friends, it seems like Im always a second choice and they have a girl they like more, or are involved with an ex who they like more. I have succesfully set up many friends and so all my friends are in happy relationships now via online or even me as matchmarker - except me. The one time a friend set me up with a guy who said he was into me, he ended up going for her instead (lol). The other guy friend she had expressed he liked me and wanted to take me out but never folllowed thru. Turns out he went back to his ex. I met a cute older guy at a bar recently we texted for weeks but it seemed like he has a gf or just wasnt into me bc he would avoid meeting in person and only want to talk on the phone. Sucked bc we had everything in common and seemed like a good match. He expressed a lot of attraction and interest in me so I dunno why he didnt follow thru - guess I was just for attention.

I have a fearful avoidant attachment if you guys buy into that theory. I just feel doomed to be alone forever and my negative theory comes true. Any advice or patterns anyone can see in what I have done wrong? I have recognized spots where I ignored red flags. But I still seem to attract people now, who are never interested in me on a serious level and just give me a ton of false hope.

Submitted April 03, 2023 at 12:10AM

I 29f did not date at all really in my teens and early 20s. I was super shy and only recently have become comfortable with male attention and dating. To this day have never had a boyfriend. I realize most ppl do not want to read a saga so feel free to move along.I did have one "partner" at the end of college. We met and I really fell for him. He love bombed me and made me feel he really cared for me too, he even offered for me to move in if I needed to at some point. But ultimately he was playing me and sleeping with several girls the whole time. I ended it with him and he was bitter and wouldn't give my stuff back. Years later, we reconnected. I was stupidly convinced he may have matured. He asked me to come out to visit him. We started seeing eachother on and off at long distance but he always told me he likes me but made an excuse to not get in a relationship. He had multiple girlfriends throughout those years. I was in love with him but ultimately had to accept he just didnt like me and also had no remorse for how he would discard me and come back and talk me into seeing eachother again through months of phone calls and trust rebuilding each time. In the end, he told me we have great sexual chemistry but he feels we annoy eachother and don't get along. He also said the main reason is that he wanted someone he could control and I wouldnt give into things like dressing a certain way for him. He was a bit of a narcissist so it was for the best. I know I acted really naive and stupid throughout all this. It was my first "relationship". He was never my boyfriend and all it did was damage my self esteem, because he seemed to want to date everyone but me,. I have him blocked now, as he would circle back forever if I let it happen, using me as some type of in between person.After this I did not date for years. The rest of my experiences that follow, happened in the last year:Maybe a couple first dates off hinge but nothing that panned out. Good experiences to have with normal people unlike my first guy who was so toxic and extreme. Eventually this summer, I met a fun guy we went on a couple dates but he really pushed for sex too soon. I didn't give in but there was some physical contact and making out. Once he realized I wouldnt sleep w him on date 2 he ghosted me. Then he circled back a month later saying he got back with his ex but it didnt work out so can we see eachother again? I said no.Couple months later in the fall, I met another guy off hinge. He was quite a bit older, seemed mature, good listener, seemed to care, went out his way to see me. He was recently out of a serious relationship where they lived together I asked if he was ready for something new and he reassured me he was ready. We had a few dates then slept together. I even made the mistake of telling him about my toxic "ex" the first guy. And basically how horribly I let myself be treated. After the sex he stopped contacting me then when I texted him he said hes just not ready yet for a relationship but we can see how things progress bc he likes me. we saw eachother once more, slept together again and it wasnt even good. I pretty much gave up on him. Then he contacted me about one more date and I said no, youre too inconsistent and its a weird vibe. A week later he was in a new relationship, with a girl he had clearly been juggling me and her the whole time. She looked similar to me which was even weirder. Just fully made me feel like a second choice which was hurtful.Finally, months later in the winter I went on 6 dates with a really nice guy from hinge, 1 year older, good job, good values, patient, polite, responsible. We slept together and it was different, I could tell he wasnt in it for just sex and wanted to care for me. He wanted to hang out pretty much every day, unlike the last guy who saw me so sporadically which I should have realized meant he was seeing someone else. So anyway, this new guy was all in it seemed. But the chemistry just wasnt there. We had deep talks about family. values, past issues with family. He didnt seem to want to talk much of relationships tho and why he broke up w his ex, and he didnt wanna ask about mine. It made me feel he was too reserved and serious. He also had no sense of humour. it was hard to end it because he was an amazing guy who I liked, but I want to fall in love. and it just wasnt it. I wanted for his sake for him to find the right fit too and he seemed ready. So I let him go.Since then I stopped online dating. But every guy I meet at a bar, through friends, it seems like Im always a second choice and they have a girl they like more, or are involved with an ex who they like more. I have succesfully set up many friends and so all my friends are in happy relationships now via online or even me as matchmarker - except me. The one time a friend set me up with a guy who said he was into me, he ended up going for her instead (lol). The other guy friend she had expressed he liked me and wanted to take me out but never folllowed thru. Turns out he went back to his ex. I met a cute older guy at a bar recently we texted for weeks but it seemed like he has a gf or just wasnt into me bc he would avoid meeting in person and only want to talk on the phone. Sucked bc we had everything in common and seemed like a good match. He expressed a lot of attraction and interest in me so I dunno why he didnt follow thru - guess I was just for attention.I have a fearful avoidant attachment if you guys buy into that theory. I just feel doomed to be alone forever and my negative theory comes true. Any advice or patterns anyone can see in what I have done wrong? I have recognized spots where I ignored red flags. But I still seem to attract people now, who are never interested in me on a serious level and just give me a ton of false hope.