I (20M) am terrified about telling my girlfriend (27F) that I want to be sexual

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a couple of months, and we really really love each other. We hit it off almost immediately and every time I see her my day brightens up. She makes me feel safe, secure, wanted, understood, appreciated, and valued in a way I feel like no one else has.

There’s just one problem that for me has only gotten more and more apparent for me. She is what she describes as “grey asexual”. She says she feels sexual attraction but very rarely. She claims part of it may (and I do mean MAY) be a result of the antidepressants she’s been on for over 15 years now. Near the beginning of our relationship I told her about how I’m not asexual and at some point in the future that I’d like to be sexual with her. She freaked out when I said that but then asked if that was gonna be a long way away, to which I honestly responded yes as that’s what I thought I was going to feel.

Flash forward to now and here I am somewhat panicking about how I’m feeling. I’m demisexual, and after all this time we have really bonded, and from that bond now comes a sexual desire for her that I want to start acting on. A lot of the times when I see her now or think about her I get horny, and when I get horny now I get sad because I feel like how I’m feeling won’t ever be reciprocated, and I won’t be able to do what will make me my absolute happiest, even though for everything else she makes me really really really happy.

She has really bad anxiety, and I’m afraid that if I tell her how I’m feeling she’s going to have a panic attack, and the last time I freaked her out I felt guilty about it for a week.

What do I do? I feel like if I tell her I’m going to hurt her, but I feel like if I don’t I’ll keep living this sort of lie and not doing what will make me ultimately happy. I hate this part of me, but this part of me wants to be young and free and have these experiences now, even though I know they are the product of me being a young adult and don’t ultimately matter.



Submitted January 28, 2023 at 09:07PM

My girlfriend and I have been dating for a couple of months, and we really really love each other. We hit it off almost immediately and every time I see her my day brightens up. She makes me feel safe, secure, wanted, understood, appreciated, and valued in a way I feel like no one else has.There’s just one problem that for me has only gotten more and more apparent for me. She is what she describes as “grey asexual”. She says she feels sexual attraction but very rarely. She claims part of it may (and I do mean MAY) be a result of the antidepressants she’s been on for over 15 years now. Near the beginning of our relationship I told her about how I’m not asexual and at some point in the future that I’d like to be sexual with her. She freaked out when I said that but then asked if that was gonna be a long way away, to which I honestly responded yes as that’s what I thought I was going to feel.Flash forward to now and here I am somewhat panicking about how I’m feeling. I’m demisexual, and after all this time we have really bonded, and from that bond now comes a sexual desire for her that I want to start acting on. A lot of the times when I see her now or think about her I get horny, and when I get horny now I get sad because I feel like how I’m feeling won’t ever be reciprocated, and I won’t be able to do what will make me my absolute happiest, even though for everything else she makes me really really really happy.She has really bad anxiety, and I’m afraid that if I tell her how I’m feeling she’s going to have a panic attack, and the last time I freaked her out I felt guilty about it for a week.What do I do? I feel like if I tell her I’m going to hurt her, but I feel like if I don’t I’ll keep living this sort of lie and not doing what will make me ultimately happy. I hate this part of me, but this part of me wants to be young and free and have these experiences now, even though I know they are the product of me being a young adult and don’t ultimately matter.
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