/u/So_Ill_Continue on What does safe compromise look like

I’m glad this worries you and that you are searching for advice.

It doesn’t seem like your partner is sex-repulsed, which is a big benefit for the way your relationship appears to be structured. I’m sex repulsed, but it seems like both your partner and I might be similar in the sense that we just see sex as another activity. In my case, it’s an activity that I don’t want any involvement in. For her, it seems like she’s fine with it.

That’s important, because when I was much more naive, I thought I could “compromise” too. But if you do not want sex, there isn’t really a safe way to compromise, is there? Learned that the hard way.

Before I give my main advice, I want to disclaim it with this: imo, your ages make a big difference here. If you’re both established adults, your partner is likely a lot more realistic about consent and her sexual identity. Supported by your respect for her and her boundaries, she’ll likely know how to compromise without getting hurt. If, on the other hand, you are young (approx. 21 or younger, I’d say) then things are more complicated. She might not know where her boundaries are yet, and if she thinks this might be a deal-breaker for you, she might convince herself certain “compromises” are okay when they will actually hurt her.

But assuming you are both established adults, my best advice is to talk with her about what sex means to her and what certain decisions (ie having sex infrequently, never having it, etc) would realistically mean for your relationship.

I think a lot of aces just view sex as another activity (within reason) and don’t have a problem with compromising for allo partners. But bottom line, making these compromises, imo, involves a lot of conversation, discussion, trust and respect.

Hopes this helps and didn’t sound preachy or dumb. Just finished a paper and my brain is pudding.





November 20, 2022 at 12:14AM
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