AITA for Wanting my Poly Boyfriend to Change?

I met a guy on a dating app, and after some really promising conversations, he says he's polyamorous with two people who live out of state that he sees a few times a year.

​

I immediately told him that, while I don't judge his lifestyle, I lost my 15 year marriage due to cheating, and I would find it damaging to be in a serious relationship with a poly person, so I couldn't do that. And his response was "I could be monogamous for the right person. My two other partners are already aware that I'm looking for a life partner, so I might come to them and say 'no more’ if I meet someone special.'"

​

So we start going out, everything is going great, he is around all the time, I’m meeting his friends and family, he very quickly gives himself the "boyfriend" label, and he keeps treating me like he feels so seriously about our relationship. Then I suddenly get told one day last month "should we be Facebook official? I'm not sure where we are, but one of my poly partners reached out and wants to meet me next month, and I told them I'd talk to you."

​

I sat with this for awhile and came back with "I feel like I was already clear that I found poly to be damaging." He responded that this person was a longtime friend, and sometimes they don't even sleep together when they meet up, and that he was asking me because he cared about how I felt. That was the end of that subject, and I felt like the topic was asked and answered.

​

Then, over a month later, my boyfriend has been on nonstop overtime at work, so I'm barelt seeing him, and we are out for breakfast talking when things suddenly shift into how I'm refusing to talk about his poly partner, and how he was upfront about his poly practices from the beginning, so now he's getting upset that I haven't approved his trip to romp with this other woman.

​

So now, even though this other person lives out of state, and my boyfriend says he could never be in a real relationship with woman due to her personality, he now says it’s somehow unfair to pull the plug on the 1-3 times a year booty call set up they have without giving her a last weekend of his time and attention. And he claims that, after they have that great weekend, he'll explain that I'm not comfortable with poly and so this will be their last session for awhile, maybe indefinitely, and they'll just be friends after that.

​

And he's telling me that he sees a future with me, so I'm worth going through this heartbreak, and he'll be monogamous with me after that weekend. But I don't understand why this has to be a big goodbye trip instead of a phone call. I’m worried that it’s a carrot on a stick, and after he gets through this boundary, he’ll keep pushing to do it again. I don't understand why she gets weekend trips and movie outings when I'm the one regularly going to bed with him, and I’m not getting that time of time and effort with his current schedule - but he can take time off work to do this with her?! And I told him "I don't like this, and I don't know how I'll feel in the aftermath, I may not be able to stand you," but his mind is set on doing this anyways.

​

I'm kind of heartbroken, but I've been made to feel like protesting this last meetup is unreasonable because he says he was honest about being poly upfront. And he's ultimately made me feel like our relationship is in jeopardy if I don't go along with this plan. So now I feel miserable, and I feel like I can't talk to him about this, because he doesn't listen when I draw the boundary that I’m not okay with this.

​

I also feel that he keeps pushing me, no matter how many times I say "I am not down for this lifestyle." He keeps saying he'll be monogamous for me, but then minutes later he's also explaining how he wants a nesting partner (basically, he comes home to me after doing whatever/whoever else he wants) and obviously this can't go both ways! And when I mentioned risks like pregnancy, he said he was thinking of getting a vasectomy for just that reason - even though he’s previously told me he’s interested in having children someday. So I am very confused.

​

I'm concerned that I'm being manipulated, so he can force me into a lifestyle that would rip me apart emotionally, and I don't think that's fair to me. He was clear about being poly, but I was clear about not wanting anything to do with that practice, so I don't feel that I owe him any exploration of that lifestyle just because HE likes it. But is his plan to go away for a weekend to breakup with this other girl fair and reasonable for a poly man? The relationship has otherwise been great (expect for the temporary work schedule issues), so I don't want to end it IF he is willing to be monogamous with me, but I also struggle to see why the feelings of this other woman, that he doesn't see a future with, matters more than my feelings, when he claims to want a future with me. AITA for feeling so hurt and upset right now?

Submitted August 16, 2022 at 01:14AM

I met a guy on a dating app, and after some really promising conversations, he says he's polyamorous with two people who live out of state that he sees a few times a year.​I immediately told him that, while I don't judge his lifestyle, I lost my 15 year marriage due to cheating, and I would find it damaging to be in a serious relationship with a poly person, so I couldn't do that. And his response was "I could be monogamous for the right person. My two other partners are already aware that I'm looking for a life partner, so I might come to them and say 'no more’ if I meet someone special.'"​So we start going out, everything is going great, he is around all the time, I’m meeting his friends and family, he very quickly gives himself the "boyfriend" label, and he keeps treating me like he feels so seriously about our relationship. Then I suddenly get told one day last month "should we be Facebook official? I'm not sure where we are, but one of my poly partners reached out and wants to meet me next month, and I told them I'd talk to you."​I sat with this for awhile and came back with "I feel like I was already clear that I found poly to be damaging." He responded that this person was a longtime friend, and sometimes they don't even sleep together when they meet up, and that he was asking me because he cared about how I felt. That was the end of that subject, and I felt like the topic was asked and answered.​Then, over a month later, my boyfriend has been on nonstop overtime at work, so I'm barelt seeing him, and we are out for breakfast talking when things suddenly shift into how I'm refusing to talk about his poly partner, and how he was upfront about his poly practices from the beginning, so now he's getting upset that I haven't approved his trip to romp with this other woman.​So now, even though this other person lives out of state, and my boyfriend says he could never be in a real relationship with woman due to her personality, he now says it’s somehow unfair to pull the plug on the 1-3 times a year booty call set up they have without giving her a last weekend of his time and attention. And he claims that, after they have that great weekend, he'll explain that I'm not comfortable with poly and so this will be their last session for awhile, maybe indefinitely, and they'll just be friends after that.​And he's telling me that he sees a future with me, so I'm worth going through this heartbreak, and he'll be monogamous with me after that weekend. But I don't understand why this has to be a big goodbye trip instead of a phone call. I’m worried that it’s a carrot on a stick, and after he gets through this boundary, he’ll keep pushing to do it again. I don't understand why she gets weekend trips and movie outings when I'm the one regularly going to bed with him, and I’m not getting that time of time and effort with his current schedule - but he can take time off work to do this with her?! And I told him "I don't like this, and I don't know how I'll feel in the aftermath, I may not be able to stand you," but his mind is set on doing this anyways.​I'm kind of heartbroken, but I've been made to feel like protesting this last meetup is unreasonable because he says he was honest about being poly upfront. And he's ultimately made me feel like our relationship is in jeopardy if I don't go along with this plan. So now I feel miserable, and I feel like I can't talk to him about this, because he doesn't listen when I draw the boundary that I’m not okay with this.​I also feel that he keeps pushing me, no matter how many times I say "I am not down for this lifestyle." He keeps saying he'll be monogamous for me, but then minutes later he's also explaining how he wants a nesting partner (basically, he comes home to me after doing whatever/whoever else he wants) and obviously this can't go both ways! And when I mentioned risks like pregnancy, he said he was thinking of getting a vasectomy for just that reason - even though he’s previously told me he’s interested in having children someday. So I am very confused.​I'm concerned that I'm being manipulated, so he can force me into a lifestyle that would rip me apart emotionally, and I don't think that's fair to me. He was clear about being poly, but I was clear about not wanting anything to do with that practice, so I don't feel that I owe him any exploration of that lifestyle just because HE likes it. But is his plan to go away for a weekend to breakup with this other girl fair and reasonable for a poly man? The relationship has otherwise been great (expect for the temporary work schedule issues), so I don't want to end it IF he is willing to be monogamous with me, but I also struggle to see why the feelings of this other woman, that he doesn't see a future with, matters more than my feelings, when he claims to want a future with me. AITA for feeling so hurt and upset right now?