Feel like I’ll always be alone and I regret leaving him… what do i do?

sorry this is a lot to read but I could really use some thoughts on the situation!!

Basically, I (21F) was in just over a year long relationship with my now ex bf (26M). We knew each other years ago and he actually got engaged but broke it off many months before we got together. It was my first relationship and basically my first everything but his third or so. It became long distance once I went to college in the fall, but he would often visit me and I would go back home. It was filled with love and happiness and he treated me very well and I was pretty much the happiest I had been ever and we were so in love with each other–-we talked about marriage after I graduate college and our future. Our chemistry was insane for the entirety of the relationship.

One day, I basically uncovered a pretty big lie (that he went to a different college and played a professional sport) that he told me, my friends, my family, and everyone he would encounter. I even wrote a bio for him that included this false information. When I asked him about it he continued to lie 4 times and went as far as to say he could come up with proof (meaning he was going to fabricate documents I guess?!). He didn't really try to keep me after this happened and kept asking why it was relevant and I told him it was NOT relevant...but rather the fact that he lied repeatedly to me (especially after we had a conversation about how I do not tolerate lying just 2 weeks earlier when I caught him in a little white lie). He just kept repeating how where he went to college didn't matter, and I would say yes but the fact that you lied over over matters to me...especially if i'm supposed to be your future spouse, I just don't feel comfortable with such lying and a large scale one at that. He also said that he lied because of some sort of trauma that occurred during that time period but wouldn't delve into it and I didn't ask further about it. After taking space for a few days, I then broke up with him (especially because he didn't really try to keep me and he seemed more concerned with me spilling the beans on his true story rather than understanding why lying like this is wrong).

After this initial breakup, I was so upset and couldn't stop thinking about him. A week after I decided to talk to him and he was very upset at first because he said I threw away a year over something so irrelevant and made it seem like he didn't want anything to do with me and he said I ruined his mental health progress by getting at the truth and leaving him. I thought he never wanted to talk again. The next day, he begged me for hours to take me back and said I would never find anyone who would treat me better and love me as much. I believed him and could see he really did love and miss me so I took him back. After I took him back, everything seemed normal, I tried my best to not question his every move and just trust. Because i loved him so much, I was so happy to be with him again. Shortly after he visited me at college, his efforts facetiming me and texting me really started to dwindle. He wasn't communicating with me often and it was hard to get in touch with him. When I would facetime him he seemed distant and not happy to talk to me. We had a few conversations about this because sometimes he would apologize about being distant or I would frequently ask if he was ok because i noticed something was off and he would just reply with saying he had a lot going on in his head and work was a lot. I always tried to support him as much as possible and told him I would be there with whatever he needed––I just wanted to continue to show him I loved him and be there for him. One time he said he couldn't give me a lot of effort, so I said I would give the effort for both of us as long as he showed me he loved me. Even after this, his efforts to talk and communicate were still not good and I felt like he texted me just because I said when he texted it made me happy so I loved when he did it. He did put more effort for my birthday and sent me something small but not a card––I told him I'd love a letter or a card from him and that's all I wanted.

After that, one day, I asked if I could send him something to cheer him up like through doordash. He replied with "no, why would you do that? what would you even send me? I appreciate that but take care of yourself." I was sad but brushed it off and figured he didn't wanna inconvenience me. The next few days it was again really hard to get in touch with him and barely facetimed. One morning, he texted me saying sorry for not answering the previous night (I knew he was on instagram), and that it was unfair how distant he was being as his depression was setting in again. he had never mentioned his depression to me ever.

So i called him. basically, he told me that the reason he was being so distant for the past month (which he said he was never gonna admit...?) after getting back together was that I destroyed years of his mental health progress by asking for the truth and then leaving him over what he thought was irrelevant and then I acted like everything was fine. But I did that FOR him...HE is the one who begged me for hours to take him back. He also said I was selfish for feeling neglected and that I expected too much from him and I incessantly asked if he loved me over the past month. I just wanted to feel loved, honestly that was it and I dont think I was expecting too much (If I was, please tell me so I can be more self aware). I then explained how much I love him and all I want to do is help him and be there for him. I said how he seems drained every time he talks to me and how he isn't excited on the phone anymore to see me. I asked him if he wanted me to stay with him, leave, or give him space because I said of course I would stay if it was up to me but at this point it was so hard to talk to him and feel loved by him (he hadn't said the words I love you, just love you for 1.5 weeks up to this point). He kept saying he didn't know. So, I knew that it would be best for me to leave so I broke up with him. He said that me leaving was just bringing me peace and for me but that's not true at all. I have been distraught for a month and every day is so very painful for me :(

Few days after the breakup I tried to call him but no answer.

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My question is: Am I at fault here? Was I selfish in any way? I feel like I'll never love anyone like this again. I loved him so very much and saw the whole future. Should I send a text expressing that I can't be without him? It's getting so tough the more and more time goes by and the reality that I'll never see him again... I don't think anyone will ever love me as much and idk if I can love anyone as much...

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TLDR: ex created a pretty big lie, I confronted him and left but then got back together but then he didn't show me effort/that he loved me and he didn't say he wanted me to stay so I left. Now I regret leaving again and don't know what to do. I feel like Ill forever be alone now and Idk how I can ever love anyone else.

Submitted April 07, 2022 at 11:58PM

sorry this is a lot to read but I could really use some thoughts on the situation!!Basically, I (21F) was in just over a year long relationship with my now ex bf (26M). We knew each other years ago and he actually got engaged but broke it off many months before we got together. It was my first relationship and basically my first everything but his third or so. It became long distance once I went to college in the fall, but he would often visit me and I would go back home. It was filled with love and happiness and he treated me very well and I was pretty much the happiest I had been ever and we were so in love with each other–-we talked about marriage after I graduate college and our future. Our chemistry was insane for the entirety of the relationship.One day, I basically uncovered a pretty big lie (that he went to a different college and played a professional sport) that he told me, my friends, my family, and everyone he would encounter. I even wrote a bio for him that included this false information. When I asked him about it he continued to lie 4 times and went as far as to say he could come up with proof (meaning he was going to fabricate documents I guess?!). He didn't really try to keep me after this happened and kept asking why it was relevant and I told him it was NOT relevant...but rather the fact that he lied repeatedly to me (especially after we had a conversation about how I do not tolerate lying just 2 weeks earlier when I caught him in a little white lie). He just kept repeating how where he went to college didn't matter, and I would say yes but the fact that you lied over over matters to me...especially if i'm supposed to be your future spouse, I just don't feel comfortable with such lying and a large scale one at that. He also said that he lied because of some sort of trauma that occurred during that time period but wouldn't delve into it and I didn't ask further about it. After taking space for a few days, I then broke up with him (especially because he didn't really try to keep me and he seemed more concerned with me spilling the beans on his true story rather than understanding why lying like this is wrong).After this initial breakup, I was so upset and couldn't stop thinking about him. A week after I decided to talk to him and he was very upset at first because he said I threw away a year over something so irrelevant and made it seem like he didn't want anything to do with me and he said I ruined his mental health progress by getting at the truth and leaving him. I thought he never wanted to talk again. The next day, he begged me for hours to take me back and said I would never find anyone who would treat me better and love me as much. I believed him and could see he really did love and miss me so I took him back. After I took him back, everything seemed normal, I tried my best to not question his every move and just trust. Because i loved him so much, I was so happy to be with him again. Shortly after he visited me at college, his efforts facetiming me and texting me really started to dwindle. He wasn't communicating with me often and it was hard to get in touch with him. When I would facetime him he seemed distant and not happy to talk to me. We had a few conversations about this because sometimes he would apologize about being distant or I would frequently ask if he was ok because i noticed something was off and he would just reply with saying he had a lot going on in his head and work was a lot. I always tried to support him as much as possible and told him I would be there with whatever he needed––I just wanted to continue to show him I loved him and be there for him. One time he said he couldn't give me a lot of effort, so I said I would give the effort for both of us as long as he showed me he loved me. Even after this, his efforts to talk and communicate were still not good and I felt like he texted me just because I said when he texted it made me happy so I loved when he did it. He did put more effort for my birthday and sent me something small but not a card––I told him I'd love a letter or a card from him and that's all I wanted.After that, one day, I asked if I could send him something to cheer him up like through doordash. He replied with "no, why would you do that? what would you even send me? I appreciate that but take care of yourself." I was sad but brushed it off and figured he didn't wanna inconvenience me. The next few days it was again really hard to get in touch with him and barely facetimed. One morning, he texted me saying sorry for not answering the previous night (I knew he was on instagram), and that it was unfair how distant he was being as his depression was setting in again. he had never mentioned his depression to me ever.So i called him. basically, he told me that the reason he was being so distant for the past month (which he said he was never gonna admit...?) after getting back together was that I destroyed years of his mental health progress by asking for the truth and then leaving him over what he thought was irrelevant and then I acted like everything was fine. But I did that FOR him...HE is the one who begged me for hours to take him back. He also said I was selfish for feeling neglected and that I expected too much from him and I incessantly asked if he loved me over the past month. I just wanted to feel loved, honestly that was it and I dont think I was expecting too much (If I was, please tell me so I can be more self aware). I then explained how much I love him and all I want to do is help him and be there for him. I said how he seems drained every time he talks to me and how he isn't excited on the phone anymore to see me. I asked him if he wanted me to stay with him, leave, or give him space because I said of course I would stay if it was up to me but at this point it was so hard to talk to him and feel loved by him (he hadn't said the words I love you, just love you for 1.5 weeks up to this point). He kept saying he didn't know. So, I knew that it would be best for me to leave so I broke up with him. He said that me leaving was just bringing me peace and for me but that's not true at all. I have been distraught for a month and every day is so very painful for me :(Few days after the breakup I tried to call him but no answer.​My question is: Am I at fault here? Was I selfish in any way? I feel like I'll never love anyone like this again. I loved him so very much and saw the whole future. Should I send a text expressing that I can't be without him? It's getting so tough the more and more time goes by and the reality that I'll never see him again... I don't think anyone will ever love me as much and idk if I can love anyone as much...​TLDR: ex created a pretty big lie, I confronted him and left but then got back together but then he didn't show me effort/that he loved me and he didn't say he wanted me to stay so I left. Now I regret leaving again and don't know what to do. I feel like Ill forever be alone now and Idk how I can ever love anyone else.