Disgust with what used to bring more joy to life

I apologize if this doesn’t belong here . I was always sex positive until the most recent “relationship “.

I used to love sex. I even sort of had a higher drive than some of my male partners in the past. I still have a sex drive unfortunately but now feel disgusted by it . I hate having to “relieve “ it . It’s nasty and a mechanical process to me. It makes me feel like an animal , to have a drive I do not want anymore.

This problem started to arise when I was in a somewhat coerced relationship with an older man (way older .. 30 years older than me). He knew exactly what to do to give me physical pleasure, but often the pleasure was equally met with or overridden by a strong feeling of disgust and regret on my side. He also didn’t take care of himself physically , so that added to the level of disgust. Ever since that “relationship” , the idea of getting physically close to someone else or even to touch myself alone repels me .

There’s nowhere else I can say this to anyone. I have a therapist but I have no desire to talk about sex , my body or anyone else’s body , with her . And I know it isn’t just about bodies . The level of coercion I experienced with this man was also disgusting . I also worked for him for part of the time . I can’t talk about this with my few friends or family. None of them know the “relationship” ever existed, but they did know him because he is a long time family friend . My mom even has old pics of him holding me as a baby. We hid this “relationship “ the entire time.

**** and no, he wasn’t married . He was divorced for at least 10 years before our “relationship”****

(I wrote this a while ago and now no longer have a therapist, but still have the disgust )

Submitted September 06, 2021 at 12:58AM

I apologize if this doesn’t belong here . I was always sex positive until the most recent “relationship “.I used to love sex. I even sort of had a higher drive than some of my male partners in the past. I still have a sex drive unfortunately but now feel disgusted by it . I hate having to “relieve “ it . It’s nasty and a mechanical process to me. It makes me feel like an animal , to have a drive I do not want anymore.This problem started to arise when I was in a somewhat coerced relationship with an older man (way older .. 30 years older than me). He knew exactly what to do to give me physical pleasure, but often the pleasure was equally met with or overridden by a strong feeling of disgust and regret on my side. He also didn’t take care of himself physically , so that added to the level of disgust. Ever since that “relationship” , the idea of getting physically close to someone else or even to touch myself alone repels me .There’s nowhere else I can say this to anyone. I have a therapist but I have no desire to talk about sex , my body or anyone else’s body , with her . And I know it isn’t just about bodies . The level of coercion I experienced with this man was also disgusting . I also worked for him for part of the time . I can’t talk about this with my few friends or family. None of them know the “relationship” ever existed, but they did know him because he is a long time family friend . My mom even has old pics of him holding me as a baby. We hid this “relationship “ the entire time.**** and no, he wasn’t married . He was divorced for at least 10 years before our “relationship”****(I wrote this a while ago and now no longer have a therapist, but still have the disgust )