/u/AndroidwithAnxiety on I have a question

So, my household is very open to things like sexuality and gender identity, and I never had any reason to be concerned about them accepting me.

However, I was still scared. It took me weeks to build up the courage. Because even though within my home being ace wouldn't be a big deal, there was always a chance that they'd react the way people who aren't open to those things would react. A tiny chance, but you never know until you take that leap. And you can't take it back once you've said it. The idea of having to keep a secret for the fear of how the people you love will react - even if you know they'll be fine with it - is exhausting. Because everything we see tells us that we're not 'normal'. That we're weird and different and it's hard to love yourself when you've never seen anyone else love someone like you.

It was also extremely personal.

You internalize what you see around you - and most of what we see is straight 'traditional' relationships, and things where being sexual is the goal, or mark of success as an individual or in a relationship. Faced with this idea that happiness comes with sex attached, we can't help but think that we're either never going to be loved, or that we're going to end up desperately unhappy pretending that we're 'normal'. It can take a long time to come to terms with and overcome all of those fears, and even if you have healed those wounds by the time you decide to come out, putting it in front of someone else can open all those doubts right back up. It leaves you incredibly vulnerable and open to being hurt.

Of course someone's sexuality shouldn't change their relationship with anyone that isn't involved in their sexuality, but in reality it seems to invite complete strangers to comment on it, to debate it, to decide whether or not we should be included or even have rights. So no, it won't just effect other people, it'll effect your child. It effects us.

I told my mother that I am asexual, and she went 'oh... that makes sense.' And that was it. No big deal. Except, for me, it was. It was both overwhelmingly relieving - of course it made sense, of course it didn't matter - and a little painful. Because it did matter. It was a big deal. It was both acceptance and dismissal and I'm honestly not sure if I would have preferred more attention or more... something. Or if that casual 'okay' was the best reaction I could have hoped for. In some ways all that emotion I was dealing with didn't get a resolution. In other ways, it might be what all 'coming outs' should be.

This isn't meant to attack. It's an attempt to explain... and a little bit of getting things off of my chest ;)

July 19, 2021 at 11:59PM