/u/Confused_Femme on Does anybody feel like they have to be a “perfect” partner?

Woah, this is your fiance? I glossed right over that part. It would certainly be worse to put in all of the financial strain of marriage just to divorce.

Also, I am so sorry to hear that your experience with people who are supposed to be mental health professionals was so invalidating. It sounds clear that they really are not up to speed with asexuality. Same with the other people in your life--people can try to "fix" when they don't really understand. Sex is not a need for a relationship. Your mental health might intersect, but being ace would stand regardless of your mental wellness.

Your partner should never want to do something with you that you have told them makes you feel sick to even think about. I would never, ever ask that of my partner, and you should not be expected to put up with that, let alone every other day. You seem like you're trying to appease him, not consenting because you want to. That is a horrible, horrible way to live.

From your other replies, it seems an end has been a long time coming, but you may be coming at it with the mindset of the sunk-cost fallacy. Like, "If I end it now, those years will have been for nothing." But that's never the case--everything is a learning experience, and I hope what you've learned from this one is what you will not tolerate from your SO. Because anyone who makes you feel awful about being who you are is, I'm sorry, a piece of rotten trash that needs to be thrown out yesterday. My gosh, just reading this: "My fiancé has told me that no one will want me the way I am," made me so angry for you, because that is not only a lie, but a manipulation tactic, and it's gross. I don't care how lovey-dovey they can be, how much they say they love you, or whatever else makes them supposedly so compatible with you. If they do not accept you for who you are, or take interest in learning more about a very important facet of yourself that you have asked them to look into, and make you feel like there is something wrong with you, they aren't a good partner, or person, and you should not consider them compatible. If the way you exist isn't "compatible" with being a complete, valid person to them, they should be wiped off the table.

The people currently in your life may not be very accepting, but know that there are plenty of accepting people all over. If you look in the right places, you will find them. I've only ever allowed open-minded people into my close circle, and I'm lucky for them, but I think that's also what's helped me. Be choosy. You can be nice to everyone, but be choosy about who you let in. Also, you can always find people here online to talk with in the meantime, as you seem to have been doing a bit, and maybe that will bring you some opportunities to meet people IRL.

Sorry about the wall of text, but if you take away nothing else:

--There are people who will accept you out there. You may currently have a very non-accepting social circle, but they aren't a good picture of the whole world. If you don't know anyone IRL yet, just find communities online for now.

--Do not believe people when they say you're broken, or that there's something wrong with you, for being who you are. There are lots of people like you, and they sure aren't broken, and there's nothing wrong with existing on the ace-spectrum. (Or being bi, for that matter.)

--Drop this man, yesterday. He is not treating you well. Marriage will not make anything better, it will probably make things worse, and will probably make you feel trapped, because so many resources go into that. I normally try not to advocate for the break-up option, but it seems like you've just been giving and giving and giving in this relationship, with no respect given back. I believe that ace-allo relationships can work, and there are happily married couples that prove it, but that requires mutual respect for each other and each other's experiences.

June 14, 2021 at 11:54PM