/u/Ace_Glorfindel on I think I’m asexual, but lately don’t feel particularly proud or happy about it.

You seem like you could use a spiritual hug.

A couple of things to consider:

1. No one can win with sex. Pretty much everyone gets called either prude, slut, or pathetic by someone with a different sexual history at some point. There’s no way to have an amount of sex that will gain everyone’s respect. So... it’s kind of pointless to try and sex it up for other people. Don’t worry about impressing anyone else or being laughed at, because someone will always be doing that. This is one of the things that makes me feel odd when people talk about sex as “experience,” because it makes it sound like people who don’t have sex are immature or that people who have lots of sex are wiser. It doesn’t work that way. And there’s nothing cringe about sexual history, whether a person’s slept with no one or 100+ folks. Cringe is for the dog that gets stuck in a fence, not for someone’s love life!

2. Being asexual has nothing to do with sexual attractiveNESS or history. If you don’t want to have sex with specific folks, you’re asexual. There’s nothing to prove about being ace - it’s not necessary to be “hot enough” that people pursue you sexually and you turn them down because you’re ace. I know that it’s not that easy, and I think that a lot of ace people worry about this at some point. But it is an irrational worry, and also a completely insignificant one. So what if someone isn’t “really” ace but think they are? If they’re happy in general, then they should go for it and just let themselves live. You of course don’t have to feel proud about being ace, but you shouldn’t stress yourself with worries that it’s an excuse. It wouldn’t matter if it was.

3. I don’t think it’s weird that you’re uncomfortable with other people seeing you naked. Without sexual attraction, being naked around someone would be kinda weird and uncomfortable, yeah? You might benefit from some self-esteem exercises, but it’s also not weird to be uncomfortable with showing your body to others. It’s also common, especially among sex-repulsed folks, to not want penetration - but as a side note, if your pap smears are really painful, mention it to the person performing it. They might be using the wrong tools.

4. Sexual prowess ≠ maturity/wholeness. And seriously, I don’t think there’s anyone who instinctively knows how to have really perfectly enjoyable sexual experiences. What I’m trying to say here is that your descriptions of possible awkwardness are not only average but normal. You’re putting pressure on yourself to be sexual in a way that is not fair to yourself. Being a gosh darn sex goddess wouldn’t make you any more awesome than you already are. On the other hand, your unsureness is what makes you human.

You’re not failing at anything, and I’m pretty sure that deep down you already know that. Still, it can be really hard to be non-sexual in a very sexualized world. Power to you, and remember that there will always be things other people are chasing. If you had sex to impress your peers, there would just be another insecurity around the corner. Don’t ever change yourself to impress people on the internet.

Best of luck to you! I hope that this assuaged a little bit of your pain. You’ve got a day ahead of you, and it’s up to you how to spend it. I hope you’ll spend it impressing yourself, and not folks on a Twitter poll. But the thing is, no matter what, the power is in your hands.

May 02, 2021 at 11:49PM