Married young, and I just don’t know what to do.

I (23F) don’t even know what I want anymore. This is probably gonna be long, so tl;dr at the bottom.

I started dating my husband (23M) when I was 19, and we got engaged after two months (very stupid in hindsight). We got married on our three year anniversary. We’ve now been together almost five years and married almost two. No children.

When we first got together, he wanted to have sex ALL THE TIME and would get angry when I said I wasn’t in the mood. His “body count” was higher than mine, and his ex-girlfriend was really gorgeous (he had showed me her instagram). She had supposedly slept with him whenever he wanted and it was never an issue for them, so I felt very insecure and like I was the problem. I told him it wasn’t okay for him to bully me into sleeping with him, and he has gotten a lot better about it, but our sex life has never been completely comfortable or consistent as a result. Our bedroom verges on dead but has always sputtered along.

Fast forward to a few months ago, and I found out (by his own admission) that not only did he never actually date that particular “ex girlfriend”, but I am the only person he’s ever had sex with at all. So I’ve been torturing myself all this time based on things he completely made up to justify pressuring me into sex. Because of all the bullshit in the past and now this, I’m not really attracted to him in that way at all anymore. There are times I don’t even want to kiss him.

That’s not the only thing he lied about. I’m big on being financially independent from my parents. I thought he was on the same page as we had many conversations about it. I came to find out that he was getting money from his mother to pay his half of our rent because he spent all of his money. He obviously never said anything about this to me, and just let me believe he always had it. I feel stupid for believing and talking about how we were self sufficient. And it’s not because he didn’t make enough; he just blew it on stupid shit. This lie just came out in passing when he made a casual comment about it (I guess assuming I already knew??). He’s not very independent in general- always looking to me to tell him what to do in regards to housework/money/anything having to do with being an adult. He handles nothing by himself without me having to ask him to do it. He’s been unemployed since right before COVID hit (he quit, and lockdown stuff started not long after) and didn’t seem interested in finding another job or furthering his education to get a better one. I’ve been working this whole time and paying all the bills.

He also told me in the beginning that he didn’t want kids. I’ve been 99% sure I don’t want any since I was 16, so I wasn’t even going to bother dating him if he was dead set on having them. Later he said “of course I want kids” after we were already engaged, and then walked it back when I told him we shouldn’t get married. He persists in saying he’s fine with not having them, but then will make little comments that make me believe he thinks I will just change my mind in the future. I have been as explicitly clear about not wanting them as I could possibly be.

He’s lied about A LOT more shit, but those are the biggest ones.

I started going to individual therapy for all this as I was seriously considering divorce and I felt so trapped. I won’t claim it’s all his fault; a lot of my “trapped” feeling stems from me losing myself in the relationship and never making time to pursue things that are just for me. My therapist seems to think there could be hope, but also tells me there’s a large probability that we’ll end up splitting.

We are currently separated. I moved out and have honestly felt a lot better since. We agreed we were going to take this time to work on ourselves and decide whether we could fix this or if we should get divorced. I can see he’s really trying (he got a job, is going to individual therapy for his lying problem) but I also feel like I have so much resentment built up from everything that it’s too little, too late. I feel like I’ve been trying SO HARD this whole relationship and he’s only showing up now because I left. When I’m not with him, the logical choice seems to be to end it. When I’m with him, it’s like a part of me thinks there may still be hope. It’s very confusing emotionally.

Of course there’s a lot more stuff I could ramble on about, but I feel like this is already long enough lol.

I’m not sure what I’m even looking to get out of this novel I’m writing to you guys. I guess I’m wondering if it can still be fixed, or if it’s too far gone? Do you think I’ll regret it if I get divorced? I struggle with feeling like I’m just throwing away my marriage, but I’m so burnt out.

TL;DR: My husband has lied to me about several important things, and also refused to try and grow up and become an adult in his own right until we separated recently. Now he’s trying and I feel like since he’s putting in effort I’d be selfish to get a divorce, but I feel so burnt out. What should I do?

Submitted September 06, 2020 at 11:54PM

I (23F) don’t even know what I want anymore. This is probably gonna be long, so tl;dr at the bottom.I started dating my husband (23M) when I was 19, and we got engaged after two months (very stupid in hindsight). We got married on our three year anniversary. We’ve now been together almost five years and married almost two. No children.When we first got together, he wanted to have sex ALL THE TIME and would get angry when I said I wasn’t in the mood. His “body count” was higher than mine, and his ex-girlfriend was really gorgeous (he had showed me her instagram). She had supposedly slept with him whenever he wanted and it was never an issue for them, so I felt very insecure and like I was the problem. I told him it wasn’t okay for him to bully me into sleeping with him, and he has gotten a lot better about it, but our sex life has never been completely comfortable or consistent as a result. Our bedroom verges on dead but has always sputtered along.Fast forward to a few months ago, and I found out (by his own admission) that not only did he never actually date that particular “ex girlfriend”, but I am the only person he’s ever had sex with at all. So I’ve been torturing myself all this time based on things he completely made up to justify pressuring me into sex. Because of all the bullshit in the past and now this, I’m not really attracted to him in that way at all anymore. There are times I don’t even want to kiss him.That’s not the only thing he lied about. I’m big on being financially independent from my parents. I thought he was on the same page as we had many conversations about it. I came to find out that he was getting money from his mother to pay his half of our rent because he spent all of his money. He obviously never said anything about this to me, and just let me believe he always had it. I feel stupid for believing and talking about how we were self sufficient. And it’s not because he didn’t make enough; he just blew it on stupid shit. This lie just came out in passing when he made a casual comment about it (I guess assuming I already knew??). He’s not very independent in general- always looking to me to tell him what to do in regards to housework/money/anything having to do with being an adult. He handles nothing by himself without me having to ask him to do it. He’s been unemployed since right before COVID hit (he quit, and lockdown stuff started not long after) and didn’t seem interested in finding another job or furthering his education to get a better one. I’ve been working this whole time and paying all the bills.He also told me in the beginning that he didn’t want kids. I’ve been 99% sure I don’t want any since I was 16, so I wasn’t even going to bother dating him if he was dead set on having them. Later he said “of course I want kids” after we were already engaged, and then walked it back when I told him we shouldn’t get married. He persists in saying he’s fine with not having them, but then will make little comments that make me believe he thinks I will just change my mind in the future. I have been as explicitly clear about not wanting them as I could possibly be.He’s lied about A LOT more shit, but those are the biggest ones.I started going to individual therapy for all this as I was seriously considering divorce and I felt so trapped. I won’t claim it’s all his fault; a lot of my “trapped” feeling stems from me losing myself in the relationship and never making time to pursue things that are just for me. My therapist seems to think there could be hope, but also tells me there’s a large probability that we’ll end up splitting.We are currently separated. I moved out and have honestly felt a lot better since. We agreed we were going to take this time to work on ourselves and decide whether we could fix this or if we should get divorced. I can see he’s really trying (he got a job, is going to individual therapy for his lying problem) but I also feel like I have so much resentment built up from everything that it’s too little, too late. I feel like I’ve been trying SO HARD this whole relationship and he’s only showing up now because I left. When I’m not with him, the logical choice seems to be to end it. When I’m with him, it’s like a part of me thinks there may still be hope. It’s very confusing emotionally.Of course there’s a lot more stuff I could ramble on about, but I feel like this is already long enough lol.I’m not sure what I’m even looking to get out of this novel I’m writing to you guys. I guess I’m wondering if it can still be fixed, or if it’s too far gone? Do you think I’ll regret it if I get divorced? I struggle with feeling like I’m just throwing away my marriage, but I’m so burnt out.TL;DR: My husband has lied to me about several important things, and also refused to try and grow up and become an adult in his own right until we separated recently. Now he’s trying and I feel like since he’s putting in effort I’d be selfish to get a divorce, but I feel so burnt out. What should I do?