Need to vent. We’d known each other for many years, finally got together, things were great, we had a hypothetical 10 year plan, he was looking at rings, but then out of nowhere he said he’d “never seen a future” and ended it. I dunno, am still healing :/

(30F) writes: The title is essentially a summary of what happened, but after mulling this over in my head for several months, I feel a need to see if I’m looking at this the wrong way. I don’t want this to happen again in a future relationship, as this really threw me for a loop. I also know that some guys are just a-holes and jerks, but things seemed so good and then were not good. I'm sorry if any of this makes me sound naive but I really don’t know what the hell happened.

This is a long post, but the information included is essential for fully understanding the situation. He was 36M, and I 30F at the time of the relationship.

Without further ado, here’s what happened. I’ll give some backstory so things make more sense, but for privacy reasons won’t give specifics or identifying info like names (personal or cities).

~ By the time we started dating last year, I’d known my (now ex) bf, who I'll call Mark, for around a decade. We’d met for the first time at a convention about ten years prior, our groups of friends merged, and for a few years in a row we’d attend this con together, as well as sometimes getting together outside of this event for other things, like holidays/NYE, et cetera.

~ I was initially interested in Mark from the start, but when we first met, he was involved with his then gf in a long term relationship. So I never said anything and we continued on as friends for years. About two years after we first met, we hooked up and had a FWB arrangement. That happened twice over two years, as we were both super busy with life and were only able to see each other once a year. After that time I was busy with finishing my degree and working, and he was busy with life, too. Everything before and leading up to last summer had been strictly casual.

Flash forward a decade (last year), we ended up reconnecting out of the blue, and ended up spending lots of time together last summer. After some thought, I finally got the courage to tell Mark how I felt (that I really liked him and wanted to see where things might go, as we were finally both single. the timing hadn't been right until then for us both). He agreed and said the interest was mutual, but said he “had some doubts” about us being together but was open to also seeing where things went.

So, with lots of communication, we started dating.

The relationship was long distance in the sense that 1) he lived about 30 miles away, and 2) I didn’t have a car (I can’t drive for medical related reasons).

Mark had known about me not having a car for years, and was understanding of this fact. I’d offered to meet him in the middle via transit, or to even take transit (about 3hrs one way) to go see him, but he insisted he'd come pick me up and take me home, always saying that way we’d get more time together. He would come and get me, and we’d go to his place for the weekend.

We always went to his place because my housemates were very religious (though I identify as Pagan) and uncomfortable with the idea of my bf and I having intimate moments and partaking in the occasional beer/joint/ecig vape/etc whilst in the house. Upon telling him this I immediately offered to compromise by maybe getting a room or an Airbnb sometime or similar, but Mark was okay and understanding. He said he understood having picky roommates and he secretly liked the idea of it being just us for the weekends, anyways. Plus we were calmer knowing we could just do our thing at his place and not have to worry. Again, I offered several times to make changes so he didn't always have to take me back to his, but he refused and said it was fine.

We spent the weekends together and during the week we'd talk/call/text on a very regular basis, as we legit missed each other. We both felt like we were making up for lost time, and were happily surprised at how well we clicked. When we were out, people naturally knew we were a couple, and our energy was spot on. When we were sober that is.

It was also spot on when we partook, but one thing we never talked about was how our herb usage was negatively affecting our memory and attitudes. In hindsight we were both depressed (he for deeply personal reasons from a traumatic event a few years prior, and me for other reasons). He had discussed this all with me and said he “self medicated”. I also was self medicating due to my depression, so to us both it didn’t seem like a problem. In hindsight it might have been, I don't know.

But back to how things were: We’d talk over text during the week, would make plans for the weekends, and on weekends we’d have a blast running errands just as much as if we went out to a concert or event, and we just felt comfortable together. He met my family and I'd met some of his siblings. His one parent was out of state and the other had passed away when he was younger. Things seemed really, well, good. We saw each other almost every weekend, to the point that my housemates joked that I "lived" part time with them and part time with him.

Over the course of the few months we were together we: talked about kids (he asked me how many I wanted and understood the fact that I was infertile, that was not an easy conversation for me to have by any means), we'd talked about future plans, what our goals were, et cetera. He talked about “making room for me” at the house, and had gotten some basic toiletries for me so I wouldn’t have to bring those with all the time. I had a spare outfit (pjs and causal day wear) there (at his suggestion) so if I forgot a set of clothes it wouldn’t be a big deal. He implied once or twice in a conversation he'd like to have me move in within a year or so, to which I said could happen, but it was never discussed further after that. We'd make food at home and would usually split getting groceries, though he got them most of the time even though I offered several times to get them. He paid for all meals out (I offered but was never "allowed", a red flag I missed perhaps)

He got a necklace for me and gave it to me the night we “became official” and he said that I was his girlfriend, we were exclusive, and a few weeks after that we talked about a ten year plan for us that included moving out of the country permanently. He had met my family by that point, everyone got along. My parents even joked that we'd likely end up getting married.

The way the 10 year plan convo had gone was: we'd been sitting and talking, and he started talking about how he'd always wanted to live in XYZ country, had been there several times, loved it, and really felt he could do well there. He had thought it out seriously before mentioning it to me. Stating that his company had an office there he could transfer too, I could easily find a job there, he felt financially it would be doable, cost of living would be cheaper, etc. He then turned to me and asked if I would go with him. I said yes because it seemed like a feasible idea, I didn't want him not in my life, was excited at the idea of a future together, we both knew it was far enough away we could get things squared away and settled. We decided halfway between then and then (at 5 years). we'd move to another state first, get settled there, then move onwards to our final end goal location, redacted.

He mentioned to my family several times about our likely future move, (which I'd already told them about) and they were okay with it, encouraged it even. I'd talked with them privately about this, our comfort levels w/each other and our plans, and they were so happy we were finally together, and said we seemed like a perfect fit for the other. They felt it would be good for me to have someone who I could be with, and that we already seemed like we were married anyways, we flowed so well together.

Towards what would end up being the middle of our time together, I began to see pop up ads for "Company Name Redacted" engagement rings on his phone's internet browser. They started up small but towards the end (a week before we split) the ads were big enough that they took up half his browser screen. I know those kinds of ads don't just appear out of nowhere, and know they also typically increase in size with repeated activity.

Also towards the middle, he started talking about cutting costs, and saving money (we usually cooked food at home and didn't go out for dinner/drinks that much so it wasn't that) and in one weekend alone he cancelled a car wash membership, a gym membership, and something else I don't remember. He had a very good paying job and was well off financially (he said and had proof of too), so it's not like there were any financial problems he had to take care of (that I knew of). Between the cutting costs mysteriously, the E-ring ads popping up, and our life plan and given that he had all but proposed to me, I felt like thing were going in that direction.

The only thing that seemed off to me was, a few weeks prior to us breaking up, I had met his one sibling for the first time. I'd met the others prior and they all liked me. This sibling and I didn't really get along (I was kind and cordial and myself, but could sense from the start that they just didn't like me), and it was shortly after that that I began to sense and see a change in Mark's attitude towards me. He never said anything about me meeting said sibling but I could tell he picked up on the vibe as it was going on, too.

About two weeks after that, he out of nowhere told me one day that he "had never seen a future, never seen marriage, or being with you long term" at all, and said that he had felt like we'd just been really good friends the whole time. He also said that there was "something off, that I don't think can be worked on, or fixed" about the relationship, but never said what it was. He had said he loved me, and had said he wanted a future with me in it several times before this.

He continued and said he didn't see anything more than the possibility of just causal sex with me occasionally, but that he didn't think we'd be together long term, ever.

I was too upset then to ask him what about our 10 year plan, and the ring ads, and the fact that he'd alluded to wanting me to move in in the future. I just shut down, we barely talked the rest of the day, he wouldn't take me home right away so I just got my stuff together and helped with some housework, and he took me back home later that day.

I'll never know what happened, I don't know if the sibling said something to him, or said something to his father who said something to him about the fact that it would be an interracial marriage and that that wouldn't work out (he was of a culture where traditionally the men marry women of the same culture, of which I am not). I don't know if it was the cannabis that affected our minds too much so we didn't follow through with conversations we had planned to have, I really don't know.

A mutual friend of ours and I talked after the fact and they told me he'd told them same thing he told me, that he hadn't seen a future. Which they said made NO sense at all, as he'd gone on and on about me to them in a prior conversation, and they (friend) said they thought we'd end up together, too. They told me they'd been floored to find out we'd split.

I'm almost fully over it, but am still wondering what happened. Mostly because I don't want to make any mistakes again (or to have something similar happen again, it would mess with my head). I don't really want to contact him and ask, as he made it evident he doesn't care, but...yeah.

He texted me a few months after the breakup to ask if he could drop my things off at my house. I said yes and said I'd be available that weekend, to which he agreed worked for him, but he never showed up. Within a few weeks of the split, I had mailed some things of his I'd had at my place back to him, to which he said thank you, but that was it. My things were just basic clothes, hadn't cost me that much and I likely would have ended up donating them anyways cuz of the memories associated with them.

TL:DR: good friend of many years turned bf, are together for a few months, he essentially does everything but propose, we had a life plan, then up and ends it saying he never saw a future/future faked me, but still wanted an NSA/casual sex only relationship.

Submitted August 03, 2020 at 10:50PM

(30F) writes: The title is essentially a summary of what happened, but after mulling this over in my head for several months, I feel a need to see if I’m looking at this the wrong way. I don’t want this to happen again in a future relationship, as this really threw me for a loop. I also know that some guys are just a-holes and jerks, but things seemed so good and then were not good. I'm sorry if any of this makes me sound naive but I really don’t know what the hell happened.This is a long post, but the information included is essential for fully understanding the situation. He was 36M, and I 30F at the time of the relationship.Without further ado, here’s what happened. I’ll give some backstory so things make more sense, but for privacy reasons won’t give specifics or identifying info like names (personal or cities).~ By the time we started dating last year, I’d known my (now ex) bf, who I'll call Mark, for around a decade. We’d met for the first time at a convention about ten years prior, our groups of friends merged, and for a few years in a row we’d attend this con together, as well as sometimes getting together outside of this event for other things, like holidays/NYE, et cetera.~ I was initially interested in Mark from the start, but when we first met, he was involved with his then gf in a long term relationship. So I never said anything and we continued on as friends for years. About two years after we first met, we hooked up and had a FWB arrangement. That happened twice over two years, as we were both super busy with life and were only able to see each other once a year. After that time I was busy with finishing my degree and working, and he was busy with life, too. Everything before and leading up to last summer had been strictly casual.Flash forward a decade (last year), we ended up reconnecting out of the blue, and ended up spending lots of time together last summer. After some thought, I finally got the courage to tell Mark how I felt (that I really liked him and wanted to see where things might go, as we were finally both single. the timing hadn't been right until then for us both). He agreed and said the interest was mutual, but said he “had some doubts” about us being together but was open to also seeing where things went.So, with lots of communication, we started dating.The relationship was long distance in the sense that 1) he lived about 30 miles away, and 2) I didn’t have a car (I can’t drive for medical related reasons).Mark had known about me not having a car for years, and was understanding of this fact. I’d offered to meet him in the middle via transit, or to even take transit (about 3hrs one way) to go see him, but he insisted he'd come pick me up and take me home, always saying that way we’d get more time together. He would come and get me, and we’d go to his place for the weekend.We always went to his place because my housemates were very religious (though I identify as Pagan) and uncomfortable with the idea of my bf and I having intimate moments and partaking in the occasional beer/joint/ecig vape/etc whilst in the house. Upon telling him this I immediately offered to compromise by maybe getting a room or an Airbnb sometime or similar, but Mark was okay and understanding. He said he understood having picky roommates and he secretly liked the idea of it being just us for the weekends, anyways. Plus we were calmer knowing we could just do our thing at his place and not have to worry. Again, I offered several times to make changes so he didn't always have to take me back to his, but he refused and said it was fine.We spent the weekends together and during the week we'd talk/call/text on a very regular basis, as we legit missed each other. We both felt like we were making up for lost time, and were happily surprised at how well we clicked. When we were out, people naturally knew we were a couple, and our energy was spot on. When we were sober that is.It was also spot on when we partook, but one thing we never talked about was how our herb usage was negatively affecting our memory and attitudes. In hindsight we were both depressed (he for deeply personal reasons from a traumatic event a few years prior, and me for other reasons). He had discussed this all with me and said he “self medicated”. I also was self medicating due to my depression, so to us both it didn’t seem like a problem. In hindsight it might have been, I don't know.But back to how things were: We’d talk over text during the week, would make plans for the weekends, and on weekends we’d have a blast running errands just as much as if we went out to a concert or event, and we just felt comfortable together. He met my family and I'd met some of his siblings. His one parent was out of state and the other had passed away when he was younger. Things seemed really, well, good. We saw each other almost every weekend, to the point that my housemates joked that I "lived" part time with them and part time with him.Over the course of the few months we were together we: talked about kids (he asked me how many I wanted and understood the fact that I was infertile, that was not an easy conversation for me to have by any means), we'd talked about future plans, what our goals were, et cetera. He talked about “making room for me” at the house, and had gotten some basic toiletries for me so I wouldn’t have to bring those with all the time. I had a spare outfit (pjs and causal day wear) there (at his suggestion) so if I forgot a set of clothes it wouldn’t be a big deal. He implied once or twice in a conversation he'd like to have me move in within a year or so, to which I said could happen, but it was never discussed further after that. We'd make food at home and would usually split getting groceries, though he got them most of the time even though I offered several times to get them. He paid for all meals out (I offered but was never "allowed", a red flag I missed perhaps)He got a necklace for me and gave it to me the night we “became official” and he said that I was his girlfriend, we were exclusive, and a few weeks after that we talked about a ten year plan for us that included moving out of the country permanently. He had met my family by that point, everyone got along. My parents even joked that we'd likely end up getting married.The way the 10 year plan convo had gone was: we'd been sitting and talking, and he started talking about how he'd always wanted to live in XYZ country, had been there several times, loved it, and really felt he could do well there. He had thought it out seriously before mentioning it to me. Stating that his company had an office there he could transfer too, I could easily find a job there, he felt financially it would be doable, cost of living would be cheaper, etc. He then turned to me and asked if I would go with him. I said yes because it seemed like a feasible idea, I didn't want him not in my life, was excited at the idea of a future together, we both knew it was far enough away we could get things squared away and settled. We decided halfway between then and then (at 5 years). we'd move to another state first, get settled there, then move onwards to our final end goal location, redacted.He mentioned to my family several times about our likely future move, (which I'd already told them about) and they were okay with it, encouraged it even. I'd talked with them privately about this, our comfort levels w/each other and our plans, and they were so happy we were finally together, and said we seemed like a perfect fit for the other. They felt it would be good for me to have someone who I could be with, and that we already seemed like we were married anyways, we flowed so well together.Towards what would end up being the middle of our time together, I began to see pop up ads for "Company Name Redacted" engagement rings on his phone's internet browser. They started up small but towards the end (a week before we split) the ads were big enough that they took up half his browser screen. I know those kinds of ads don't just appear out of nowhere, and know they also typically increase in size with repeated activity.Also towards the middle, he started talking about cutting costs, and saving money (we usually cooked food at home and didn't go out for dinner/drinks that much so it wasn't that) and in one weekend alone he cancelled a car wash membership, a gym membership, and something else I don't remember. He had a very good paying job and was well off financially (he said and had proof of too), so it's not like there were any financial problems he had to take care of (that I knew of). Between the cutting costs mysteriously, the E-ring ads popping up, and our life plan and given that he had all but proposed to me, I felt like thing were going in that direction.The only thing that seemed off to me was, a few weeks prior to us breaking up, I had met his one sibling for the first time. I'd met the others prior and they all liked me. This sibling and I didn't really get along (I was kind and cordial and myself, but could sense from the start that they just didn't like me), and it was shortly after that that I began to sense and see a change in Mark's attitude towards me. He never said anything about me meeting said sibling but I could tell he picked up on the vibe as it was going on, too.About two weeks after that, he out of nowhere told me one day that he "had never seen a future, never seen marriage, or being with you long term" at all, and said that he had felt like we'd just been really good friends the whole time. He also said that there was "something off, that I don't think can be worked on, or fixed" about the relationship, but never said what it was. He had said he loved me, and had said he wanted a future with me in it several times before this.He continued and said he didn't see anything more than the possibility of just causal sex with me occasionally, but that he didn't think we'd be together long term, ever.I was too upset then to ask him what about our 10 year plan, and the ring ads, and the fact that he'd alluded to wanting me to move in in the future. I just shut down, we barely talked the rest of the day, he wouldn't take me home right away so I just got my stuff together and helped with some housework, and he took me back home later that day.I'll never know what happened, I don't know if the sibling said something to him, or said something to his father who said something to him about the fact that it would be an interracial marriage and that that wouldn't work out (he was of a culture where traditionally the men marry women of the same culture, of which I am not). I don't know if it was the cannabis that affected our minds too much so we didn't follow through with conversations we had planned to have, I really don't know.A mutual friend of ours and I talked after the fact and they told me he'd told them same thing he told me, that he hadn't seen a future. Which they said made NO sense at all, as he'd gone on and on about me to them in a prior conversation, and they (friend) said they thought we'd end up together, too. They told me they'd been floored to find out we'd split.I'm almost fully over it, but am still wondering what happened. Mostly because I don't want to make any mistakes again (or to have something similar happen again, it would mess with my head). I don't really want to contact him and ask, as he made it evident he doesn't care, but...yeah.He texted me a few months after the breakup to ask if he could drop my things off at my house. I said yes and said I'd be available that weekend, to which he agreed worked for him, but he never showed up. Within a few weeks of the split, I had mailed some things of his I'd had at my place back to him, to which he said thank you, but that was it. My things were just basic clothes, hadn't cost me that much and I likely would have ended up donating them anyways cuz of the memories associated with them.TL:DR: good friend of many years turned bf, are together for a few months, he essentially does everything but propose, we had a life plan, then up and ends it saying he never saw a future/future faked me, but still wanted an NSA/casual sex only relationship.