To continue marriage, or proceed with divorce?

I'm stuck and I have no idea what to do...

​

A couple months ago (and after only about a year and a half of marriage), my wife left in a huff to live with a friend. Things had been "not normal" for about 5-6 months before she left, and I could tell she wasn't happy. The issue was, she can't communicate her feelings whatsoever. Throughout those many months, I was afraid to confront her about anything because she had left before to her parents. She left for about 2 weeks before finally returning home after a totally unbiased ^/s talk with her and a mediator who happened to be her cousin. (I agreed to it, so half my fault). When things got bad, she could never talk about it. She could never voice her true, inner frustrations with me or the problem at hand. She always needed time to think things over, however that "time needed" was not a 5/20/60 minute cool down and would typically end up being days/weeks. Heck, sometimes things were never addressed. So after a social gathering I confronted her. We didn't fight, and I was going into that conversation to say that we needed to fix things, have more dates, focus on each other. I'm not without my faults. I had grown complicit in the relationship already, and I'm ashamed to say I took her for granted.

​

She left me and the two beloved pets by simply saying, "they'll be fine" after I asked and pleaded to not abandon them. "I'll sleep in the other room if you want. I can avoid you if need be. Just don't abandon dog and cat again." (For context: Our free time was sometimes separated, more so over these past 5-6 months, and while I played games and watched movies, she watched her TV shows and the pets typically chilled with her.) The were probably more attached to her at the time. Another one of my failings.

​

2 weeks later without any communication to me or her parents, the divorce papers were filed. I cried, I mourned, and I got over it after about a month. I was and am truly happy again. I'm spending much more time with the pets. I'm cooking, dog training, sim-racing, what-have-you.

​

Fast-forward another 2.5 months, and she wants to talk. Note, our divorce has not been finalized and has been put on hold due to the pandemic. She comes over to chat and essentially wants to try things over again. That was two months ago and I still have no idea what to do, or what I want.

​

Since then, she is still living at her friend's, and I am at home with the pets. Communication since then has been great. We have talked more in-depth about ourselves than we ever had during the 3 years of dating and 1.5 years of marriage. We also discussed going to counseling and she is now super open to that. And while these things give me hope, there are still so many lingering pains that make me unsure about diving back into this marriage.

​

I no longer have the passion for her that I did even up until the minute she left. I love her, but I don't feel *in love* with her. Can it be built upon to one day feel that way again?

​

I don't fully trust her as I once did.

​

I can't help but think there's someone "better" out there for me, but at the same time if I could feel the way I used to towards her, I would take that in a heartbeat. We have similar goals, hobbies, interests, passions, etc.

​

I just need help finding the next step as I still don't have any idea whatsoever as to what I want to do.



Submitted June 04, 2020 at 11:59PM

I'm stuck and I have no idea what to do...​A couple months ago (and after only about a year and a half of marriage), my wife left in a huff to live with a friend. Things had been "not normal" for about 5-6 months before she left, and I could tell she wasn't happy. The issue was, she can't communicate her feelings whatsoever. Throughout those many months, I was afraid to confront her about anything because she had left before to her parents. She left for about 2 weeks before finally returning home after a totally unbiased ^/s talk with her and a mediator who happened to be her cousin. (I agreed to it, so half my fault). When things got bad, she could never talk about it. She could never voice her true, inner frustrations with me or the problem at hand. She always needed time to think things over, however that "time needed" was not a 5/20/60 minute cool down and would typically end up being days/weeks. Heck, sometimes things were never addressed. So after a social gathering I confronted her. We didn't fight, and I was going into that conversation to say that we needed to fix things, have more dates, focus on each other. I'm not without my faults. I had grown complicit in the relationship already, and I'm ashamed to say I took her for granted.​She left me and the two beloved pets by simply saying, "they'll be fine" after I asked and pleaded to not abandon them. "I'll sleep in the other room if you want. I can avoid you if need be. Just don't abandon dog and cat again." (For context: Our free time was sometimes separated, more so over these past 5-6 months, and while I played games and watched movies, she watched her TV shows and the pets typically chilled with her.) The were probably more attached to her at the time. Another one of my failings.​2 weeks later without any communication to me or her parents, the divorce papers were filed. I cried, I mourned, and I got over it after about a month. I was and am truly happy again. I'm spending much more time with the pets. I'm cooking, dog training, sim-racing, what-have-you.​Fast-forward another 2.5 months, and she wants to talk. Note, our divorce has not been finalized and has been put on hold due to the pandemic. She comes over to chat and essentially wants to try things over again. That was two months ago and I still have no idea what to do, or what I want.​Since then, she is still living at her friend's, and I am at home with the pets. Communication since then has been great. We have talked more in-depth about ourselves than we ever had during the 3 years of dating and 1.5 years of marriage. We also discussed going to counseling and she is now super open to that. And while these things give me hope, there are still so many lingering pains that make me unsure about diving back into this marriage.​I no longer have the passion for her that I did even up until the minute she left. I love her, but I don't feel *in love* with her. Can it be built upon to one day feel that way again?​I don't fully trust her as I once did.​I can't help but think there's someone "better" out there for me, but at the same time if I could feel the way I used to towards her, I would take that in a heartbeat. We have similar goals, hobbies, interests, passions, etc.​I just need help finding the next step as I still don't have any idea whatsoever as to what I want to do.
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