I need advice.

Sorry in advance if I just start to digress. I've got a lot on my jumbled mind. I've fallen in love with the most beautiful person. We started out as friends for a few months because we work together and I've been nothing but an open book to them since day one. I decided I would try to start this a different way than i normally do because I havent been looking for love for a long time and this just kinda fell into my lap and it seems more special than anything I've ever been a part of. Ever since the first day we hung out outside of work, I've never felt more at home with another person. So fearless and open, not having to worry about being judged. There was one thing in the beginning we talked about that didnt really sit well with me and that thing is that they like polyamorous relationships. Now I've never been part of one before and ive never thought of sharing a partner with another person ever. I'd like to think its something I could be open to but I still feel uneasy about it. I told them that I dont think I'm comfortable with it. So they told me that it sucks that I'm not into it and that they could be in a monogamous relationship with me because they love me. Well fast forward 2 months later. Things start to feel out of place. Not as loving. More distant but still like they wanted to try. We get into an arguement because I want to know why things feel so out of place and they tell me that they dont want to hurt me but they want to be able to have the freedom of being in a polyamorous relationship. I'm immediately thinking, am I not good enough? Is there already someone else pulling at you? Why does it need to be this way when I've excepted you for who you are more than anyone else has in the past per their words? I've shared my darkest with them, challenged my sexuality harder than it's ever been challenged while still feeling at home with my choices with them. Why do you need another person to make you feel whole when I've literally given them everything and let them in with no walls, unlike what I've done before. Should I feel this way? Am I selfish? They told me that they weren't actively looking for another partner but they wanted the ability to have another when the opportunity came along. How could they tell me they were ok with something in the beginning and then get so emotionally invested with me and turn it around after that? It really hurt. So I told them that I would try to be ok with the idea but just like them in giving me a chance with monogamy in the beginning, if I felt uncomfortable whenever it happened, I might dip out because I cannot stand the idea of someone else being with them. So a couple of weeks went by and it still felt critically tense and one day we met for coffee and talked for a while and ended up mutually deciding not to be together anymore and to just stay friends. I think it hurt me more than it hurt them but I was ok with the idea of not ruining something so precious by forcing it to be. Well in the moments that followed this, we were saying our goodbyes for the night, especially since I have a critical health condition that needed attention, and we were hugging and I didnt want to let go because I was a little heartbroken because I was taking it harder. They told me that i really needed to go so i could take care of it. I said to them "what if i dont want to?" Well according to them, this was emotionally abusive and the fact i didnt want to let go, made them feel "unsafe." We ended up just going back to our homes. I took care of myself. I may have been a little dramatic, but was I really being emotionally abusive? Am I just overlooking something? So the next day. I dont hear from them at all but I remember that we both have quite a few possessions of each others so I message them about it and ask when they want to meet up to exchange our things back to each other. They said "I'll see you at work tomorrow right?" And at this point I notice they've blocked me on just about everything so I call them out on it because i thought they wanted to be friends. This is actually when they tell me my actions from the previous night were emotionally abusive and that's not something they need in their life. So whether I should have or not, I apologize to them because I was being dramatic. But I feel like their reaction was also just way more dramatic. So they told me that they couldn't be friends with me after that. And that's honestly what hurt me the most out of this whole situation. So I'm even more heartbroken at this point, not knowing what the next day at work is going to be like and I have really bad anxiety. So I walk in the next morning and they are already there an hour before me. They see me and say hi but not really in the friendly tone that they claimed they were going to be like. I just respond with a hey. We go almost the whole day without saying a word to each other. I'm fighting back tears all day, concentrating on not breaking down. Probably looking angry from focusing. (I'm not) but we get to the last couple of hours of the day when we have e to directly work with each other and once we got a chance to be kinda alone, they say "ssooo, are you just not going to talk to me at all?" What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to feel after them being my best friend, my home, for months? Especially after them saying they dont want to be friends? I just responded with "I dont know what to say. You dont want to be my friend. Why would I try talking to you especially after you hurt me so recently as yesterday." The rest of the day with them to me is blurred because I couldn't get out of my head about this. Other than me mentioning exchanging our things because I had already gathered their things. Well they didnt have mine. Not all of it at least. So I told them that they weren't getting their things back until they had all of mine to give. They thought this was fair. We didnt talk at all after this for the day. Well we had to work together the next day as well. I still didnt really say anything to them but I was a little more talkative because of my other coworkers so I guess this made them feel like it was still ok to try and talk to me. It's what I wanted but it's also confusing. I asked them to elaborate on why they thought I was being emotionally abusive and they said because I was just saying things to try and force us to stay together. I told them that's not what I wanted because why would I want to throw away such a beautiful friendship that's so trusting and comfortable. I wouldnt want to destroy it by forcing something that couldn't be. They also told me I was being angry at work and slamming things and that I have an anger problem but we work a fast paced job that's even crazier on the weekends and I told them I was just busting my ass because it was busy and I was trying to work harder to keep my mind off things and my anxiety at bay. I'm not an angry person and I've never been the type of person to try and hurt someone either. We kinda got stuck in an argument over this and I said "look. I'm not angry and nor am I trying to be. We keep talking in circles so just stop talking to me for today and actually think about what we have talked about." So we worked the rest of the day in silence other than right at the end of the day I asked them if they had all of my things yet. They didnt but they said they would look for all of them the next day and then bring them to me the next day at work. So the next day while I'm closing, they actually come in to wait for me rather than wait in their car. I thought this was odd. They also still tried talking to me like I was their friend even though the past 2 days they kept telling me that that cant be my friend. So we walk out together, talking a little bit about our day and we get to their car and they grab my things. Before we make out exchange, I ask "so, can we actually be friends because this whole thing at work feels fake to me and i dont do fake." They agreed with me and asked if I wanted to get coffee so we could talk about it more. We basically went and talked and they said that they felt horrible and that they could see how much it was hurting me at work over the weekend and that it was hurting them too and that they wanted to stay friends because the way we were acting was so unnatural. Ever since then, it's kinda gone back to the way it was when we were dating except we aren't being intimate or sleeping together. We hang out basically every day still. They are still always on my mind because I am so in love with them and all of the little things that make them who they are. The other night we were just sitting in the car together and neither one of us wanted to get out or leave one another. They told me it's so hard hanging out with me because they still have romantic feelings for me. I told them that I feel the same way basically. When we hug, it's so right. Neither of us want to let go. Weve been going on walks in the rain and holding hands and I actually got to kiss them again for the first time in a while since our mutual breakup and it feels like its moving back into a relationship bit they keep saying things like, they are no ones and that they dint belong to anyone.(at least in the sense of being in a relationship) and it's very confusing because we are still spending basically all of our time together and being romantically and emotionally involved with each other. I love them so much and I feel like they still love me but maybe not the way I want them to. Even with all of these little things. Its sickening. I dream about them every night. Sometimes it's good. Most times it's bad. Heartbreaking. Where do I go from here?

Sorry if this word vomit is hard to follow but I really appreciate if you read what I have to say and can maybe follow it with some advice. I feel like I'm doing nothing but struggling right now.

Submitted June 18, 2019 at 11:34PM

Sorry in advance if I just start to digress. I've got a lot on my jumbled mind. I've fallen in love with the most beautiful person. We started out as friends for a few months because we work together and I've been nothing but an open book to them since day one. I decided I would try to start this a different way than i normally do because I havent been looking for love for a long time and this just kinda fell into my lap and it seems more special than anything I've ever been a part of. Ever since the first day we hung out outside of work, I've never felt more at home with another person. So fearless and open, not having to worry about being judged. There was one thing in the beginning we talked about that didnt really sit well with me and that thing is that they like polyamorous relationships. Now I've never been part of one before and ive never thought of sharing a partner with another person ever. I'd like to think its something I could be open to but I still feel uneasy about it. I told them that I dont think I'm comfortable with it. So they told me that it sucks that I'm not into it and that they could be in a monogamous relationship with me because they love me. Well fast forward 2 months later. Things start to feel out of place. Not as loving. More distant but still like they wanted to try. We get into an arguement because I want to know why things feel so out of place and they tell me that they dont want to hurt me but they want to be able to have the freedom of being in a polyamorous relationship. I'm immediately thinking, am I not good enough? Is there already someone else pulling at you? Why does it need to be this way when I've excepted you for who you are more than anyone else has in the past per their words? I've shared my darkest with them, challenged my sexuality harder than it's ever been challenged while still feeling at home with my choices with them. Why do you need another person to make you feel whole when I've literally given them everything and let them in with no walls, unlike what I've done before. Should I feel this way? Am I selfish? They told me that they weren't actively looking for another partner but they wanted the ability to have another when the opportunity came along. How could they tell me they were ok with something in the beginning and then get so emotionally invested with me and turn it around after that? It really hurt. So I told them that I would try to be ok with the idea but just like them in giving me a chance with monogamy in the beginning, if I felt uncomfortable whenever it happened, I might dip out because I cannot stand the idea of someone else being with them. So a couple of weeks went by and it still felt critically tense and one day we met for coffee and talked for a while and ended up mutually deciding not to be together anymore and to just stay friends. I think it hurt me more than it hurt them but I was ok with the idea of not ruining something so precious by forcing it to be. Well in the moments that followed this, we were saying our goodbyes for the night, especially since I have a critical health condition that needed attention, and we were hugging and I didnt want to let go because I was a little heartbroken because I was taking it harder. They told me that i really needed to go so i could take care of it. I said to them "what if i dont want to?" Well according to them, this was emotionally abusive and the fact i didnt want to let go, made them feel "unsafe." We ended up just going back to our homes. I took care of myself. I may have been a little dramatic, but was I really being emotionally abusive? Am I just overlooking something? So the next day. I dont hear from them at all but I remember that we both have quite a few possessions of each others so I message them about it and ask when they want to meet up to exchange our things back to each other. They said "I'll see you at work tomorrow right?" And at this point I notice they've blocked me on just about everything so I call them out on it because i thought they wanted to be friends. This is actually when they tell me my actions from the previous night were emotionally abusive and that's not something they need in their life. So whether I should have or not, I apologize to them because I was being dramatic. But I feel like their reaction was also just way more dramatic. So they told me that they couldn't be friends with me after that. And that's honestly what hurt me the most out of this whole situation. So I'm even more heartbroken at this point, not knowing what the next day at work is going to be like and I have really bad anxiety. So I walk in the next morning and they are already there an hour before me. They see me and say hi but not really in the friendly tone that they claimed they were going to be like. I just respond with a hey. We go almost the whole day without saying a word to each other. I'm fighting back tears all day, concentrating on not breaking down. Probably looking angry from focusing. (I'm not) but we get to the last couple of hours of the day when we have e to directly work with each other and once we got a chance to be kinda alone, they say "ssooo, are you just not going to talk to me at all?" What am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to feel after them being my best friend, my home, for months? Especially after them saying they dont want to be friends? I just responded with "I dont know what to say. You dont want to be my friend. Why would I try talking to you especially after you hurt me so recently as yesterday." The rest of the day with them to me is blurred because I couldn't get out of my head about this. Other than me mentioning exchanging our things because I had already gathered their things. Well they didnt have mine. Not all of it at least. So I told them that they weren't getting their things back until they had all of mine to give. They thought this was fair. We didnt talk at all after this for the day. Well we had to work together the next day as well. I still didnt really say anything to them but I was a little more talkative because of my other coworkers so I guess this made them feel like it was still ok to try and talk to me. It's what I wanted but it's also confusing. I asked them to elaborate on why they thought I was being emotionally abusive and they said because I was just saying things to try and force us to stay together. I told them that's not what I wanted because why would I want to throw away such a beautiful friendship that's so trusting and comfortable. I wouldnt want to destroy it by forcing something that couldn't be. They also told me I was being angry at work and slamming things and that I have an anger problem but we work a fast paced job that's even crazier on the weekends and I told them I was just busting my ass because it was busy and I was trying to work harder to keep my mind off things and my anxiety at bay. I'm not an angry person and I've never been the type of person to try and hurt someone either. We kinda got stuck in an argument over this and I said "look. I'm not angry and nor am I trying to be. We keep talking in circles so just stop talking to me for today and actually think about what we have talked about." So we worked the rest of the day in silence other than right at the end of the day I asked them if they had all of my things yet. They didnt but they said they would look for all of them the next day and then bring them to me the next day at work. So the next day while I'm closing, they actually come in to wait for me rather than wait in their car. I thought this was odd. They also still tried talking to me like I was their friend even though the past 2 days they kept telling me that that cant be my friend. So we walk out together, talking a little bit about our day and we get to their car and they grab my things. Before we make out exchange, I ask "so, can we actually be friends because this whole thing at work feels fake to me and i dont do fake." They agreed with me and asked if I wanted to get coffee so we could talk about it more. We basically went and talked and they said that they felt horrible and that they could see how much it was hurting me at work over the weekend and that it was hurting them too and that they wanted to stay friends because the way we were acting was so unnatural. Ever since then, it's kinda gone back to the way it was when we were dating except we aren't being intimate or sleeping together. We hang out basically every day still. They are still always on my mind because I am so in love with them and all of the little things that make them who they are. The other night we were just sitting in the car together and neither one of us wanted to get out or leave one another. They told me it's so hard hanging out with me because they still have romantic feelings for me. I told them that I feel the same way basically. When we hug, it's so right. Neither of us want to let go. Weve been going on walks in the rain and holding hands and I actually got to kiss them again for the first time in a while since our mutual breakup and it feels like its moving back into a relationship bit they keep saying things like, they are no ones and that they dint belong to anyone.(at least in the sense of being in a relationship) and it's very confusing because we are still spending basically all of our time together and being romantically and emotionally involved with each other. I love them so much and I feel like they still love me but maybe not the way I want them to. Even with all of these little things. Its sickening. I dream about them every night. Sometimes it's good. Most times it's bad. Heartbreaking. Where do I go from here?Sorry if this word vomit is hard to follow but I really appreciate if you read what I have to say and can maybe follow it with some advice. I feel like I'm doing nothing but struggling right now.