Anyone else experiencing relationship/dating burnout?

Dating has been anything BUT smooth for me and I think I’m over it.

For some slight context, I am a 5’9 black woman who only finds herself being drawn to black men and I live in an area of the world where black people and unfortunately black men that are taller than me are a minority, so unfortunately I don’t have a large pool of prospects to choose from. I’m just rattling off this. Information because I believe it’s relevant to my dating woes.

I have tried my luck with a number of men but I have never managed to find someone and make things stick long term. I almost even feel like I’ve never had an official proper relationship as my first boyfriend was at 14 and we were together for a month and a half until he dumped me and then another long distance boyfriend at 17 for just 2 months and we had never met in person.

I’ve slept with more men that I would like to admit and I deeply regret most of them. Plenty of “hookups” that led nowhere. They typically followed the pattern of me catching feelings eventually and them not feeling the same, breaking it off and then pursuing a serious relationship with someone else right after, which typically left me feeling used and heartbroken. I learned that because of some childhood trauma I would impulsively pursue and enter hookup situations as a way to capture their interest because I subconsciously learned that sex will definitely get a man to engage with you since I lowkey believed that who I was a a person was not enough to draw in and keep a man.

I learned that I’m really a lover girl and almost can’t do purely hookup situations without catching feelings unless I find you unattractive, which if that was the case I wouldn’t be sleeping with you anyway. So I stopped having casual sex in an attempt to protect my heart and attract men that were interested in me because of who I am as a person. Not what’s between my legs.

That seemed to work in the sense that it kept lames who just want sex away from me but did not attract men who actually want a relationship. Great. Now I’m still lonely AND sexually frustrated.

I’m burnt out because I can’t seem to meet someone that is serious about me and wants to stay in it for the long term. Everything is fleeting, casual and doesn’t last beyond 2 months. The longest I’ve managed to keep someone around was on/off situationship for almost a year and it was incredibly toxic and unhealthy.

Most men I’ve been with either just wanted sex or initially said they wanted commitment and ended up backtracking and telling me they aren’t ready, just want friendship etc. which has been painful and frustrating. I’ve had to ask myself if I’m the problem and if I’m the reason nobody wants to commit to me.

I swipe and swipe through apps like Tinder and Hinge but can’t seem to find anyone that peaks my interest, is compatible with me and intentionally wants to pursue something long term. My lack of promising prospects and the tragic gong show that has been my love life up till date just leaves me hopeless and burnt out.

I haven’t had much luck dating out in the world physically either. I put myself out there and try talking to men but none of them seem interested in me.

I want love but almost don’t want to bother trying. It’s exhausting having things fizzle out so quickly and having to start over again, with the next typically meeting the same faith as the last. If I find someone seem to find someone I’m mildly interested in getting to know the first thing that pops into my head is that it’s most likely going to crash and burn and not last like the others so don’t waste your time.

I’ve almost given up on finding someone that will love me for who I am, is not insane and wants to be in it for the long haul.

Anyone else going through this? Has anyone gone through this but still found an amazing relationship eventually? Any tips on how to cope with the hopelessness?

Submitted January 25, 2024 at 12:16AM

Dating has been anything BUT smooth for me and I think I’m over it. For some slight context, I am a 5’9 black woman who only finds herself being drawn to black men and I live in an area of the world where black people and unfortunately black men that are taller than me are a minority, so unfortunately I don’t have a large pool of prospects to choose from. I’m just rattling off this. Information because I believe it’s relevant to my dating woes. I have tried my luck with a number of men but I have never managed to find someone and make things stick long term. I almost even feel like I’ve never had an official proper relationship as my first boyfriend was at 14 and we were together for a month and a half until he dumped me and then another long distance boyfriend at 17 for just 2 months and we had never met in person. I’ve slept with more men that I would like to admit and I deeply regret most of them. Plenty of “hookups” that led nowhere. They typically followed the pattern of me catching feelings eventually and them not feeling the same, breaking it off and then pursuing a serious relationship with someone else right after, which typically left me feeling used and heartbroken. I learned that because of some childhood trauma I would impulsively pursue and enter hookup situations as a way to capture their interest because I subconsciously learned that sex will definitely get a man to engage with you since I lowkey believed that who I was a a person was not enough to draw in and keep a man. I learned that I’m really a lover girl and almost can’t do purely hookup situations without catching feelings unless I find you unattractive, which if that was the case I wouldn’t be sleeping with you anyway. So I stopped having casual sex in an attempt to protect my heart and attract men that were interested in me because of who I am as a person. Not what’s between my legs. That seemed to work in the sense that it kept lames who just want sex away from me but did not attract men who actually want a relationship. Great. Now I’m still lonely AND sexually frustrated. I’m burnt out because I can’t seem to meet someone that is serious about me and wants to stay in it for the long term. Everything is fleeting, casual and doesn’t last beyond 2 months. The longest I’ve managed to keep someone around was on/off situationship for almost a year and it was incredibly toxic and unhealthy. Most men I’ve been with either just wanted sex or initially said they wanted commitment and ended up backtracking and telling me they aren’t ready, just want friendship etc. which has been painful and frustrating. I’ve had to ask myself if I’m the problem and if I’m the reason nobody wants to commit to me. I swipe and swipe through apps like Tinder and Hinge but can’t seem to find anyone that peaks my interest, is compatible with me and intentionally wants to pursue something long term. My lack of promising prospects and the tragic gong show that has been my love life up till date just leaves me hopeless and burnt out. I haven’t had much luck dating out in the world physically either. I put myself out there and try talking to men but none of them seem interested in me. I want love but almost don’t want to bother trying. It’s exhausting having things fizzle out so quickly and having to start over again, with the next typically meeting the same faith as the last. If I find someone seem to find someone I’m mildly interested in getting to know the first thing that pops into my head is that it’s most likely going to crash and burn and not last like the others so don’t waste your time. I’ve almost given up on finding someone that will love me for who I am, is not insane and wants to be in it for the long haul. Anyone else going through this? Has anyone gone through this but still found an amazing relationship eventually? Any tips on how to cope with the hopelessness?