What are my preferences and intentions?

I (37m/fluid) feel inconsistent, keep neurotically changing my dating profile daily, and am wondering if anyone can help me feel settled or more certain about what I'm looking for...

I've only had one 12yr LTR and besides that have been on maybe 15 other dates in my life. I prefer close connections and great familiarity before anything sexual, but I also don't really expect anything to last and am very rarely attracted. Part of my impetus in looking for "casual" is that even when I'm attracted it's inconsistent and often impermanent. I think I'm just looking for short term (3-12 dates with some hooking up) but am consciously aiming for not just a ONS but enough of a connection that it's somewhere in-between a hookup and dating. I wouldn't want to end a good thing... but I have very rarely (only 3x) felt like something could last. I feel too bad about perpetuating expectations or misleading anyone to reside in seductions, and I very commonly see an end to that interest before the other party does.

I've tried to have explicit ONSs but don't think I'm capable of that and I also don't think I could or want or realistically commit to anyone. How could I communicate all of to others without my skepticism/needs being a total buzz kill?

The categories about intention seem pretty explicit on dating apps (short term = ONS). The premise of casual dating and hookups seems to be a 'left unsaid' dynamic but that dynamic just isn't for me. How do I signal that I want depth but don't expect/want it to last?



Submitted December 20, 2023 at 12:17AM

I (37m/fluid) feel inconsistent, keep neurotically changing my dating profile daily, and am wondering if anyone can help me feel settled or more certain about what I'm looking for...I've only had one 12yr LTR and besides that have been on maybe 15 other dates in my life. I prefer close connections and great familiarity before anything sexual, but I also don't really expect anything to last and am very rarely attracted. Part of my impetus in looking for "casual" is that even when I'm attracted it's inconsistent and often impermanent. I think I'm just looking for short term (3-12 dates with some hooking up) but am consciously aiming for not just a ONS but enough of a connection that it's somewhere in-between a hookup and dating. I wouldn't want to end a good thing... but I have very rarely (only 3x) felt like something could last. I feel too bad about perpetuating expectations or misleading anyone to reside in seductions, and I very commonly see an end to that interest before the other party does.I've tried to have explicit ONSs but don't think I'm capable of that and I also don't think I could or want or realistically commit to anyone. How could I communicate all of to others without my skepticism/needs being a total buzz kill? The categories about intention seem pretty explicit on dating apps (short term = ONS). The premise of casual dating and hookups seems to be a 'left unsaid' dynamic but that dynamic just isn't for me. How do I signal that I want depth but don't expect/want it to last?
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