Struggling with handling rejection and self confidence when it comes to dating

Apologies in advance as this is a bit of a rant and me getting things off my chest.

I'm a 26 year old middle eastern guy living in western Canada. In most situations, I find that I'm generally a very confident person. I'm assertive, extroverted, and find it easy to make friends.

However, when it comes to dating and approaching girls, I suffer from a complete lack of confidence. I think this is partly due to some negative past rejections and experiences growing up.

I grew up in a religious family, where sex was heavily frowned upon outside of marriage. When I was 11, my parents found porn on my search history, and my dad was so upset he didn't talk to me for 2 or 3 months. Since then I've felt almost shameful for approaching the idea of dating and sex, and although I became an agnostic/atheist at age 16, I still found the idea of talking to girls uncomfortable until I was in university. I've also had some rejections that I've taken pretty hard. When I was 12 one of my "friends" told my first crush that I liked her, and her reaction was to start crying uncontrollably. Like full on crying in front of the entire class and she immediately ran away to the bathroom to hide.

Since then I've had numerous rejections from girls that I've approached or shown interest in. A lot of the time I've been made to almost feel creepy for expressing interest in a girl, even though I feel like I'm usually pretty good at not making a big deal about rejection. For the most part I don't really approach girls, and usually let a girl express interest in me first.

The thing is however, I frequently find that it feels like I'm coming across as a creep towards girls whom I have no interest in being with romantically. For example, I've gone to clubs with friends and noticed that girls who happen to be standing around me will give me dirty looks and make an effort to move away from me. It's not like I'm checking them out, and I try and make it clear I'm not interested by creating space between myself and them if I notice them looking over. Around a month ago I was at a club with a buddy of mine and a girl I had my back to and was like 4-5ft away from came up to me, flipped me off and told me to fuck off and that I was being a creep. I was there just to see a dj with a friend who was visiting from out of town and had no intention of dancing with or picking up any girls, so the experience really messed with my self-confidence.

I have some friends that are girls and I find that although I've never seen our friendships as anything more than platonic, sometimes it feels like they're making a conscious effort to show that they're not interested in me or they act like I'm creeping them out. I've noticed they seem to make comments about how I'm not their type, or jokes about me being unattractive. It's almost as though they feel the need to make it clear that they don't see me as more than a friend. It makes me feel weird and creepy, as though what I thought was just platonic friendship is being interpreted as something else. For example, I have a female friend who frequently invites me to hang out and go on trips and concerts/festivals. I decided to ask her if she wanted to go to a concert as I felt bad that she was always the one inviting me and she reacted really weird, almost as though I was asking her out on a date or that I had ulterior motives for asking her. The experience made me feel like a creep and I've for the most part avoided her since then.

I don't think I'm the most attractive guy out there, but I don't think I'm bad looking by any means. I work out, I'm tall-ish (6'), have a stable job with a good income, I'm charismatic, funny, well groomed, have a semi-decent fashion sense, ect. I feel weird because most of my friends, including female friends tell me I'm good looking and are surprised to hear I have trouble dating.

I feel like a lot of the perceived rejection is in my head. On some level I feel like I don't deserve to be with someone who likes me and when girls have expressed interest in me I refuse to believe it and self sabotage. I feel like I avoid approaching girls because I don't want to come across as a creep, and if I'm perceived as being creepy for a what I view as a normal approach, I start becoming hypercritical of myself and questioning if it's because of my looks, my skin color, ect.

I feel like the way to get over this fear of rejection is to make a greater effort to put myself out there and become desensitized to it. However, I've been finding that instead every rejection is making me more insecure and my confidence is getting worse over time. I even avoided approaching women but then sometimes still face "rejection" from girls I'm not interested in when they feel the need to make it clear to me that they're not interested.

I feel like I used to be a very confident person and being single didn't bother me. I never cared about other people's opinion of me, was almost always optimistic, rarely anxious, ect. However over the last year, my lack of confidence when it comes to dating has taken over my life. I'm a shell of my former self, struggle with self confidence in other areas now, and I'm anxious most of the time.

I wish that I could go back to how I was, that I could stop caring about being single and what women think of me. 2 years ago I felt like I was on top of the world and now I feel hopeless most days.

tl;dr: I've always been a confident, extroverted guy in most areas of my life, however I struggle deeply with self confidence when it comes to dating. I have had some bad experiences when it comes to dating/women as a kid, as well as throughout my adult life. I frequently find that I'm coming across as a creep, even with women who I have no interest in dating and see as strictly platonic. I want to put myself out there so that I can learn to handle rejection better, but I'm finding that instead of becoming desensitized to it, each rejection is making my confidence worse and worse. This lack of confidence when it comes to dating has taken over my life, to where I find I am anxious all the time, frequently feel hopeless and am a shell of my former self. I want to go back to not caring about what other people think and having the confidence I used to.

Submitted March 02, 2023 at 12:15AM

Apologies in advance as this is a bit of a rant and me getting things off my chest.I'm a 26 year old middle eastern guy living in western Canada. In most situations, I find that I'm generally a very confident person. I'm assertive, extroverted, and find it easy to make friends.However, when it comes to dating and approaching girls, I suffer from a complete lack of confidence. I think this is partly due to some negative past rejections and experiences growing up.I grew up in a religious family, where sex was heavily frowned upon outside of marriage. When I was 11, my parents found porn on my search history, and my dad was so upset he didn't talk to me for 2 or 3 months. Since then I've felt almost shameful for approaching the idea of dating and sex, and although I became an agnostic/atheist at age 16, I still found the idea of talking to girls uncomfortable until I was in university. I've also had some rejections that I've taken pretty hard. When I was 12 one of my "friends" told my first crush that I liked her, and her reaction was to start crying uncontrollably. Like full on crying in front of the entire class and she immediately ran away to the bathroom to hide.Since then I've had numerous rejections from girls that I've approached or shown interest in. A lot of the time I've been made to almost feel creepy for expressing interest in a girl, even though I feel like I'm usually pretty good at not making a big deal about rejection. For the most part I don't really approach girls, and usually let a girl express interest in me first.The thing is however, I frequently find that it feels like I'm coming across as a creep towards girls whom I have no interest in being with romantically. For example, I've gone to clubs with friends and noticed that girls who happen to be standing around me will give me dirty looks and make an effort to move away from me. It's not like I'm checking them out, and I try and make it clear I'm not interested by creating space between myself and them if I notice them looking over. Around a month ago I was at a club with a buddy of mine and a girl I had my back to and was like 4-5ft away from came up to me, flipped me off and told me to fuck off and that I was being a creep. I was there just to see a dj with a friend who was visiting from out of town and had no intention of dancing with or picking up any girls, so the experience really messed with my self-confidence.I have some friends that are girls and I find that although I've never seen our friendships as anything more than platonic, sometimes it feels like they're making a conscious effort to show that they're not interested in me or they act like I'm creeping them out. I've noticed they seem to make comments about how I'm not their type, or jokes about me being unattractive. It's almost as though they feel the need to make it clear that they don't see me as more than a friend. It makes me feel weird and creepy, as though what I thought was just platonic friendship is being interpreted as something else. For example, I have a female friend who frequently invites me to hang out and go on trips and concerts/festivals. I decided to ask her if she wanted to go to a concert as I felt bad that she was always the one inviting me and she reacted really weird, almost as though I was asking her out on a date or that I had ulterior motives for asking her. The experience made me feel like a creep and I've for the most part avoided her since then.I don't think I'm the most attractive guy out there, but I don't think I'm bad looking by any means. I work out, I'm tall-ish (6'), have a stable job with a good income, I'm charismatic, funny, well groomed, have a semi-decent fashion sense, ect. I feel weird because most of my friends, including female friends tell me I'm good looking and are surprised to hear I have trouble dating.I feel like a lot of the perceived rejection is in my head. On some level I feel like I don't deserve to be with someone who likes me and when girls have expressed interest in me I refuse to believe it and self sabotage. I feel like I avoid approaching girls because I don't want to come across as a creep, and if I'm perceived as being creepy for a what I view as a normal approach, I start becoming hypercritical of myself and questioning if it's because of my looks, my skin color, ect.I feel like the way to get over this fear of rejection is to make a greater effort to put myself out there and become desensitized to it. However, I've been finding that instead every rejection is making me more insecure and my confidence is getting worse over time. I even avoided approaching women but then sometimes still face "rejection" from girls I'm not interested in when they feel the need to make it clear to me that they're not interested.I feel like I used to be a very confident person and being single didn't bother me. I never cared about other people's opinion of me, was almost always optimistic, rarely anxious, ect. However over the last year, my lack of confidence when it comes to dating has taken over my life. I'm a shell of my former self, struggle with self confidence in other areas now, and I'm anxious most of the time.I wish that I could go back to how I was, that I could stop caring about being single and what women think of me. 2 years ago I felt like I was on top of the world and now I feel hopeless most days.tl;dr: I've always been a confident, extroverted guy in most areas of my life, however I struggle deeply with self confidence when it comes to dating. I have had some bad experiences when it comes to dating/women as a kid, as well as throughout my adult life. I frequently find that I'm coming across as a creep, even with women who I have no interest in dating and see as strictly platonic. I want to put myself out there so that I can learn to handle rejection better, but I'm finding that instead of becoming desensitized to it, each rejection is making my confidence worse and worse. This lack of confidence when it comes to dating has taken over my life, to where I find I am anxious all the time, frequently feel hopeless and am a shell of my former self. I want to go back to not caring about what other people think and having the confidence I used to.