/u/SaveMySelfHarmWife on Is me being ace the reason I can’t fathom why people cheat?

ABSOLUTELY! But it is complicated.

I'm reciprosexual (I can have sex, but only when my partner shows sexual attraction first). While I could never cheat, I understand the urges people feel, since I temporarily stop being asexual just when my wife shows sexual attraction toward me.

A huge factor that people don't address is that we don't separate "sexuality" from a "non-sexual intimate physical relationship". Apples and oranges, yet we group them together!

In my case, being reciprosexual limits my sexuality, but I always feel a need for cuddling and such, the non-sexual parts of the physical relationship.

Many people who cheat aren't looking for sex. They might have it, enjoying the "dopamine rush", but that wasn't the point. They're looking for the intimacy that has faded away (or never existed) in their relationship, or "validation". In many cases, sex doesn't even happen, but they are intimate in other ways (it's still cheating!):

• Validation.
  • Some cliché examples for women:
    • "Am I still attractive?"
    • "Am I too old?"
    • "Does somebody of 'high worth' consider me to be on their level?"
    • "I feel unappreciated at home. Is there someone out there who doesn't just treat me like a maid or daycare?"
    • "I'm bored out of my mind at home. Is there someone who can make things interesting again?"
    • "Is there someone who actually wants to listen to me?"
    • "My husband doesn't earn as much as me. I deserve someone at my level."
  • Some cliché examples for men:
    • "Is there someone who doesn't just treat me like a live-in ATM?"
    • "Is there someone who recognizes my efforts, and considers them to be enough, instead of comparing me to others, demeaning me, and threatening to bankrupt me in a divorce, while cutting off my access to the children?"
    • "Is there someone who has physical affection for me, instead of acting like a roommate?"
    • "Is there someone who isn't a narcissist, acting like having physical relations is something I have to earn or buy, and that it's something she'd rather not do at all with me if she didn't have to? (essentially, it's just a tool or a weapon for her)"
    • "Is there someone who won't get angry with me, and put me down every time I arrive home, as if I hadn't been stressed in my horrible job all day?"
    • "Is there someone who doesn't falsely accuse me of cheating, which I've never done?"
    • "Is there somebody who doesn't give me the world's most second-rate physical relationship? (saving 'the good stuff' for a tall, handsome guy, never for me)"

So, in many cases, the sex that happens for cheaters is a symptom, but isn't the cause.

Aside from those validation issues, most men have a constant physical need for sex, and it isn't by choice (of course, some women have a high libido). A person with a libido literally can't choose to not feel the need for sex. Just like someone who is asexual can't choose to not be asexual to match their partner, we're all wired a certain way.

Somehow, that need for sex has to be filled, or else people go cray-cray.

I completely relate. I'm reciprosexual, and both of my children are types of asexual. In my case, while I don't have sex nearly as often as I would like (I have a "dead bedroom"), cheating sounds like absolute madness to me.

For those who need sex often, we think of their cheating as a way to keep from going crazy when the spouse blocks everything at home. But it often isn't really just about the sex. If it was just sex, they would have a one-night stand, or look for a hooker, or watch a porn video. A long-term affair is really more about the connection. Note that if the spouse is just "going through the motions", that's not good enough, it still feels fake.

(I'm ignoring the case where the cheater is a narcissist. That's a whole different kind of toxic scenario...)

If the partner literally can't have sex (e.g., is sex-averse asexual*)*, it's important to be direct and clear about what will happen instead, since for most people "nothing at all" is not an option. Masturbation only handles the sex part, not the non-sexual physical relationship, which is just as important (or even more important) for many people.

I had long thought that it was my being blocked for sex at home 99% of the time that was stressing me out. But I finally figured it out:

• We don't have enough non-sexual physical intimacy, making me feel too much like a roommate. She finally now admits that, due to her breathing issues (weight+asthma), she feels like she's suffocating when we kiss or cuddle. There's not yet such a thing as cuddling without a partner (androids aren't quite to that level yet - d'oh!). It's impossible to make up for that.
• My wife is very unhealthy, to a frightening level. "Emergency room bad" sometimes. As a consequence, she also avoids sex. She finally is now dealing with the real reasons. Note that she isn't asexual, it's mostly a PTSD thing (plus the mentioned breathing issue, which is a side effect of her weight gain, which in turn is due to her ignored PTSD issues). Now that she's finally working with an individual counselor, hopefully, some issues from her youth finally get resolved.

IMPORTANT: our lack of sex isn't the problem, it's a side effect. Her terrible self-image (hatred of her body) causes her to be overweight and be dangerously unhealthy. If she's finally able to get past the psychological issues, she will not only become healthier, but she will also be less stressed, allowing us to have better and more frequent intimate relations. I enjoy sex, but it's the non-sexual physical relationship that I'm really missing, since there's no way to "fake it" on that. Since I'm reciprosexual, I mirror her level of sexuality, so I adjust to whatever situation. So, it's really her self-destructive behavior, and its consequences, that really affect me, triggering me.

BACK ON TOPIC: cheating is complicated, and often it doesn't have the causes we would guess (it's not just sex!).

December 07, 2022 at 12:18AM