/u/DarthInvictus on I’m writing a male ace character; male asexuals, what are things you thing i should know?

The pressure to pursue sex, and the feeling of brokenness because we don't, are still there, but in a different context. We are often perceived as "losers", "incels", or "prudes" because we either "can't get laid" or "hate sex". A major part of masculinity in western culture is the idea of sexual conquest and a strong sex drive, so it's difficult to figure out where (or even if) you fit in. I'm in my 30's and I'm still not sure there's really a place for me in "traditional" masculinity.

If, as a hetero-oriented sex-neutral Ace, I find myself in a sexual situation I feel pressure to perform. If I can't (because stress, not enough foreplay, low on libido, etc.) I can't just use lube and fake it, and then I need to comfort her and assure her that she's attractive.

I am extremely offended by the idea that just because I'm a man, I must be horny all the time, or can't control myself. If I'm alone in a situation with a woman, I feel like I need to conciously appear less threatening, eg. maintaining physical distance, keeping my eyes down, altering my body language to appear less confident, etc, even though I'm not remotely interested in the thing they're afraid of. I experience aesthetic attraction, but I feel like can't look because I don't want people to think I'm mentally undressing them.

I hate the fact that I am perceived as a threat by people who don't even know me. I used to deliver pizzas and it hurt every time a woman would open the door just a crack, slip the cash through, and snatch the pizza as fast as she could, then quickly shut the door. I was once used as an object lesson about stranger danger to some lady's kids, and she talked about it right in front of me. But I digress...

Ironically, when I am alone with a female who knows me, like a coworker, I am always a little nervous that they'll mistake my friendliness for flirting. If I feel like they might start taking it the wrong way, I'll back all the way off and mostly ignore them for a while.

One great thing about being AroAce is that it's easier to let go of the need to be liked or attractive to other people. I can speak my mind because I'm not conciously or subconsciously trying to get anything from anyone, or keep my options open, or whatever. I still try to be nice though.

Some of this stuff may be unique to me, or be a facet of being a man in general, but that's been my experience. Hope you can glean some insights from this!

May 28, 2021 at 11:58PM