/u/essstabchen on Help - Asexual engaged to a sex addict

Hm - it's really hard to medicate addiction of any form, let alone sexual addiction. Addiction is often tied to trauma (obviously not always), so it's something that needs to be treated with therapy. I hope he's in therapy and if not, I would say that that should be something conditional on making the relationship work. A sex drive is not a problem, but an addiction is usually a lot deeper of a problem that an open relationship won't solve, and may just worsen.

I'm glad your relationship seems generally strong, because to make an open relationship work, you need a super strong foundation of communication.

Make sure that you set rules, expectations, and boundaries. Also, polyamoury and openness are 2 different things, and that might need to be discussed. Being poly is having a genuine loving relationship with multiple folks. Poly people have different ways of loving people and aren't prone to 'replacing' people (at least in healthy situations). Open relationships are more strictly sexual and about flings with notemotional follow through. It might take experimentation to figure out what things are actually going to look like, and what you're both comfortable with.

Hugely important thing - even if you're open or poly, if your partner lies, breaks a rule, or steps over your boundary, that's cheating. No holds barred. Cheating can happen in open situations.

If he ever makes you feel like you're not enough, the structure of what you're doing isn't working and needs to be revised. You should be able to pump the brakes if the openness isn't working, to have conversations about rules, and how you're spending your time and communicating while you're together.

Best of luck. This can be a really tricky situation. My messages are open if you need tips/want more unsolicited advice. It can be really hard to find perspectives for advice that actually align with you own (being an ace monogamous person with an allo/hypersexual poly person can be really isolating).





February 14, 2021 at 11:53PM
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